


Love In Isolation

by ElectricBlueGirl



Series: Love In Isolation [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Best Friends to Lovers, Fluff, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:54:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 82,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23734933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElectricBlueGirl/pseuds/ElectricBlueGirl
Summary: Ben invites best friend Callum to stay with him during the lockdown period; his straight best friend who he just so happens to be in love with.If he were being honest with himself, it had been a bad idea from the start.
Relationships: Background Whitney Dean/Callum "Halfway" Highway, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Love In Isolation [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814578
Comments: 456
Kudos: 800





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this story in mind for a few weeks now and felt it needed writing. Whilst this is an AU fanfic, there are and will be some similarities to canon.
> 
> For plot purposes, Ben lives alone in his own house. Lexi probably won't be mentioned so it's up to you whether she exists in this universe or not. The story is rated explicit just as a precaution but I imagine most scenes will be mild. 
> 
> Let me know what you think and if you'd like me to post more.
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe.

If Ben were being honest with himself, it had been a bad idea from the start. Inviting his straight best friend to come and stay with him during the lockdown period that swept over the nation had seemed like an excellent idea to begin with. The thought of being able to spend so much time together in complete isolation had seemed like bliss.

When he’d first suggested it, he hadn’t really expected Callum to agree but as it turned out Callum’s girlfriend Whitney had decided to stay with her family whom she’d been spending time with recently so Callum would be on his own anyway. It made sense and was a win-win situation for both of them: neither of them would be alone during what would be a difficult and scary time, and Ben would be able to get his best friend all to himself for weeks on end - the best friend that he just so happened to be head over heels in love with.  
  
It was a disaster waiting to happen.  
  
He and Callum had met three years previously when Ben had returned to Walford after spending a year travelling. He had arranged to meet his brother Jay in their local pub for a drink and when he arrived he saw Jay talking to the very tall, very handsome looking man behind the bar. Ben had wasted no time in introducing himself, earning himself an eye roll from Jay who knew him all too well, but the moment Callum’s hand had come into contact with his, a burst of electricity had rushed through him and _yes_ , he was glad to be home.  
  
Ben had been eager to get to know Callum after that and despite Jay’s warnings to stay away and not mess with the “nice bloke”, Ben continued to turn up at the pub in the hopes that Callum would once again be working a shift.  
  
Over time, they had got chatting and Ben realised that not only was this guy attractive, but he was funny as well. The two of them were very much on the same wavelength, they understood each other’s humour, and even though Callum would often blush at some of Ben’s comments, he couldn’t help but laugh along anyway.  
  
It wasn’t until Callum agreed to go on a night out alongside Ben, Jay and Jay’s on-off girlfriend Lola, that Ben had realised Callum was straight. The four of them had been in a club, they’d spent hours dancing, laughing, and drinking together. He and Callum had been getting along brilliantly. There was just something about him that Ben was instantly drawn to, not just in the way he looked – though the way the bright, colourful lights illuminated his skin was a sight Ben would never forget – but he had a vivacious personality and was extremely endearing. Callum Highway was unlike anyone he had ever met before.  
  
Ben had been considering making a move, taking his chances in the hope that the man might want to spend the night with him. He’d been picturing what Callum might look like lying at the centre of his bed since the day they’d met. Just as he was about to pull him closer, a girl had approached them and asked Callum if he wanted to dance. Ben was about to laugh at the absurdity of it, tell the girl she was barking up the wrong tree, but then he’d seen Callum’s face, the look of wonder in his eyes as he said that yes, yes he’d love to.  
  
“You don’t mind do you?” Callum had asked, looking back at Ben.  
  
“No, no, why would I mind?” Ben had fumbled back and Callum had grinned at him brightly before taking hold of the girls hand and pulling her further into the crowded dance floor. Ben had watched them go, a sudden feeling of emptiness in the pit of his stomach. Not once had he thought Callum could be straight. To be fair, Callum had never given Ben any indication he wasn’t but Ben was very rarely wrong about these things.  
  
Despite that night, Ben and Callum had soon become good friends. Ben had thrown aside his initial attraction for Callum and accepted that it just wasn’t to be and he had moved on in the best way he’d known how – by finding different men to spend his nights with in order to get Callum out of his system once and for all.  
  
Callum meanwhile seemed to go from one girl to the next. He was always going out on dates that would fizzle out a few weeks later. Jay said he had a problem with commitment. Callum said he was simply looking for the right person to spend his life with and so far he hadn’t found her and, “Why should I sleep with the first girl that comes along?”  
  
In a way, Ben was glad that Callum wasn’t the settling down type. Every time Callum met someone new and it came to taking things up a gear, he would end things saying she just wasn’t the right one. Ben hated to admit it, but he hoped Callum would never find the right one. The more time they spent together, the more Callum wormed his way under his skin. He had always being so against the idea of falling for someone. You fall for someone, you get hurt. It was why he himself stayed far enough away from commitment. And then Callum had come along and changed everything. He was no longer the person Ben wanted to spend just one night with, but the person he wanted to spend _all_ his nights with. Callum quickly became the first person Ben would think about in the morning and the last person he would think about at night. Ben loved and hated it in equal measure.

When Whitney came along, Ben didn’t think she would be any different to anyone else Callum had dated. He assumed it would fizzle out after a few weeks and that would be the end of it. So when Callum had excitedly told him that this was it, “She’s the one!”, it had taken Ben a little while to process. He’d seen the way Callum’s eyes had gleamed as he talked about her, heard the happiness in his voice, and felt the break of his own heart at the thought of him maybe losing Callum now for good.  
  
That was almost a year ago. In that time Callum and Whitney had become closer and closer to the point where she had practically moved into his flat, she had started to work at the pub alongside him, and even though Ben knew he was being stupid, he felt like he’s lost his best friend a bit. They still spent a lot of time together but Ben always felt a pang of jealousy whenever Callum had to leave, knowing he was returning to _her_.  
  
The infuriating thing is, Whitney is a lovely girl. Ben has come to find that he has a lot in common with her and she’s good to have a laugh with. He’s certain that if circumstances were different, they would probably be very good friends. He figures it would be so much easier if he could just hate her, but she doesn’t have a bad bone in her body. Sort of like Callum. In fact, they make a sweet couple and Ben’s happy for them even though it hurts his own heart.  
  
When news broke about the coronavirus pandemic, Whitney took some time off work to go and visit her family. Callum had spoken to him about Whitney’s worries and wondered just how bad it was going to get and Ben had assured him it was all going to be fine and that it wasn’t even that bad yet.  
  
Only then it got bad. Ben and Jay came to the difficult decision of closing down the Car Lot business they both owned together and the pub closed down not long after that leaving both Callum and Ben out of a job for the time being. As the virus spread and news of an impending lockdown came about, Ben had taken it upon himself to invite Callum over to his house so they could wait it out together.  
  
And so far it's been nice to have Callum across the hallway from him on a night time, waking up in the morning to find Callum making breakfast for the two of them and then spending their days whiling away the hours watching movies and playing games. Who better to spend isolation with than your best friend?  
  
But now here they are, two weeks in, and Ben’s feelings for Callum are growing more by the day and he’s found himself falling deeper and deeper. There’s still an undetermined amount of weeks to go until this is all over. Until they can go back to living separate lives again. Ben didn’t know living with his best friend could be both a blessing and sin.  
  
This is going to ruin him.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read, commented or left kudos on the last chapter. It really means a lot. That chapter was more of a prologue and the story really begins in this one. 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe.

**Chapter Two**

  
  
Callum’s hands are on him, tracing patterns across his chest and down his torso, light fingers grazing along his ribs making him squirm. He leans down to kiss at Ben’s skin, nipping and licking lower and lower. Ben arches his back in an attempt to get more contact. He reaches up to put a hand in Callum’s hair as he tries to keep those lips pressed against him. Callum continues to move lower, his lips pressing feather light kisses along the bone of his hip. Ben moans, Callum still moving lower, lower, lower……  
  
Ben’s hand collides with the bedside table as he reaches out, sending his phone and half empty glass of water flying. He wakes with a start, looking around blearily as he realises he’s once again had _that_ dream.  
  
“Fuck,” he curses under his breath as he rubs gently at his knuckles. He looks down at the floor to see the wet patch of carpet, glass now empty beside it and his phone, thankfully, a short distance away, unscathed. He rolls his eyes and throws himself back into the pillows beneath him. He’ll need to sort that out later before the floorboards became damp.  
  
But first, there’s something else he needs to sort out.  
  
Tentatively, he moves a hand to his cock which is hard in the shorts he’s been sleeping in. This _has_ to stop. Waking up every day with thoughts of his best friend in his head will only cause problems and there’s only so long he can look at Callum in the morning and pretend that he isn’t picturing him naked.  
  
He has no idea how to _stop it_. At any other time he’d have met up with some other bloke, had a night of no strings attached sex, and gotten Callum out of his system that way. It would have been a temporary solution, but a solution nonetheless. It’s a tried and tested method that has been working rather effectively up until this point. But that option isn’t available to him right now, not when every fit bloke in London has to stay at least two metres away from him. All apart from one of course; the one he can’t have.  
  
He places a hand around himself and sighs as he feels some of the tension in his bones release. He tightens his hold, moving his hand up and down at a steady pace as he tries to think about anything other than Callum. He focuses on his own movements and doesn’t let his mind travel to thoughts of big hands, red lips, crystal blue eyes. No, he can’t go there.  
  
As he works, he can’t stop himself from moaning, breathing heavily as he tries to chase his own high. It’s then that he hears a creak. His hand freezes as he stops suddenly to listen. Perhaps it’s floorboards or perhaps it’s a door moving from the wind coming through an open window somewhere. He listens and when all that comes back to him is silence, he makes a quick decision and returns back to his aching cock hoping to get some release. He moans again, letting the feeling take over him as he quickens the pace and within minutes he’s spilling out across his hand and collapsing back against the bed with a sigh.  
  
His phone pings on the floor beside the bed reminding him of the knocked over glass of water. After a moment, he sits up, removes his shorts and gets out of bed to replace them with a pair of jogging bottoms. Once changed, he picks up the glass and his phone from the floor and looks at the message on his screen. It’s a picture of Jay and Lola sitting at Jay’s kitchen table with a fry up in front of them both. Underneath Jay has captioned the photo with, _‘She made me breakfast! It really is love!’_  
  
Ben chuckles to himself, glad that Jay and Lola can spend this time properly cementing their relationship. At least someone is enjoying being in love at the moment.  
  
He looks down at the wet carpet again before turning and leaving the room, heading downstairs to get a tea towel in the hope it will do something to soak up the damage.  
  
When he rounds the corner at the bottom of the stairs, the first thing he sees is Callum. _Of course he does._ Callum is standing in front of the oven, holding a frying pan and tipping it slightly from side to side before putting it back down on the hob.  
  
Ben loves to watch him cook, could spend all day watching. Callum always shows such concentration over what he’s doing, almost like he’s still trying to master a skill he already mastered years ago. He’s a great cook, much better than Ben has ever been, but that hasn’t stopped Ben from trying to impress him every night with his own cooking. They had decided within the first few days that Ben would do the cooking since Callum was his guest but Callum being Callum refused to let Ben do everything so they’d settled on him being the one to do the breakfast in the mornings, especially since he was always the first one out of bed anyway.  
  
After watching him for a moment and trying his hardest to rid himself of any stray thoughts, he walks forwards, entering the kitchen and smiling at Callum.  
  
“Morning!”  
  
“Morning,” Callum responds shortly, glancing across to him briefly before looking back at the oven in front of him.  
  
Something isn’t right. Callum is always bright and full of life first thing in the morning but suddenly he’s quiet and seemingly withdrawn.  
  
Ben tries again. “What are you making?”  
  
“Pancakes.”  
  
Ben waits for more but nothing else comes. Something is definitely wrong. He doesn’t want to push though. If he knows anything about Callum it’s that he will open up in his own time and not before. Ben is very similar in that way. In fact, Callum is one of the very few people who manages to get Ben to open up at all.  
  
Ben moves alongside him, opening up a drawer next to the oven and pulling out a clean tea towel before heading back to the hallway.  
  
“What’s that for?” Callum asks before Ben has chance to leave the room.  
  
“Oh. Knocked over my water this morning. Just need something to soak it up.”  
  
“Oh.” Callum looks at the tea towel for a moment before turning back to focus on what he’s doing.  
  
Ben sighs. “Listen Callum, are you alright?”  
  
“Yeah, course!” He looks up at Ben again, giving him a smile that isn’t entirely his own and Ben knows he isn’t going to get anything more from him right now.  
  
After a moment, he leaves the room, returning to his bedroom to press the tea towel down onto the wet floor. He can’t help but wonder what it is he’s done. Everything had been fine between him and Callum the night before. They’d played Monopoly. Callum had won, but only because Ben had grown tired and bored of the game so they’d ended it prematurely. They’d had a good night, just like all the other nights they’d had over the last couple of weeks. Ben knows his feelings for Callum are getting stronger but he’s fairly certain he has been doing a good job of hiding it so far.  
  
“Pancakes are done!” Callum’s voice calls from downstairs, breaking Ben out of his thoughts.  
  
“Coming!”  
  
When he returns to the kitchen he sees Callum has already set the table and is settling down into a chair. He looks up when he sees Ben, smiling again, though this time it’s more genuine than the one he gave a few minutes ago.  
  
“We’re almost out of eggs,” Callum says as he sprinkles sugar onto his pancakes. “I’ll try and get some from the supermarket later.”  
  
“Sure. I’ll give you a list if that’s okay?”  
  
Callum smiles and nods. “What are your plans?” he asks around a mouthful of pancake.  
  
“Uh, same as every other day probably. Put on a boxset, pretend the place needs cleaning again, think of something we can eat for dinner tonight that will waste a bit of time…..”  
  
Callum nods for a moment. “I’m going to have to call Whit later.”  
  
“Why’s that? Everything okay?” Ben asks, ignoring the stabbing feeling in his chest.  
  
“Yeah, I just haven’t spoken to her since last week. Think she thinks I’ve forgotten about her. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve messaged and that but she keeps nagging me about facetiming.”  
  
“You’re making it sound like you have to call the dentist mate, not your girlfriend.”  
  
“No,” Callum chuckles. “Just miss her don’t I? It’ll be weird seeing her and hearing her voice but not actually have her here.”  
  
“Yeah. Yeah I suppose so,” Ben says, looking down at his pancakes. “Mind you, can’t say I know anything about that. Young, free and single, that’s me. Don’t need to worry about all that other stuff.”  
  
It’s a reflex, he knows it is. A bad attempt at covering up his feelings. He doesn’t know why he even said it. Callum looks at him across the table for a moment before standing suddenly and taking his plate over to the sink.  
  
“Um, I’m gonna go and get ready. Sooner I get going, sooner I can get back,” he says hurriedly. “Write me that list, yeah? And leave the washing up. I’ll sort it when I’m back.”  
  
With that Callum leaves the room. Ben gets the strange sensation that something isn’t right again. He can’t work out what it is. Everything had been fine until they’d started talking about Whitney and Callum had brought that up himself. He sighs, hoping that whatever it is will resolve itself over the course of the day.  
  
  
  
  
  
Callum comes staggering through the doorway a couple of hours later, arms laden with carrier bags. Ben meets him out in the hallway, taking some of the bags from him and carrying them to the kitchen.  
  
“Thought you’d got lost,” Ben comments.  
  
“Yeah, sorry about that. Everyone was queueing to get in and every aisle was a bit of a nightmare to be honest. They’ve actually got a one way system going on in there, can you believe that? It’s crazy! This should last us a couple of weeks though.”  
  
“Thanks for going. How much do I owe you?”  
  
“Don’t worry about it,” Callum shakes his head. “You’re putting me up here. Least I can do is get the shopping. And,” he adds before Ben can protest, “Look what I got!”  
  
Ben watches as he starts digging through the bags in an attempt to find what he’s looking for. After moving from one bag to another he eventually produces two large chocolate Easter eggs and a box of Crème eggs, putting them on the counter proudly.  
  
“I know it’s a few days off yet but….“  
  
Ben grins, feeling like a five year old again. “Has anyone ever told you how brilliant you are?”.  
  
“Yeah, you,” Callum responds, grinning back. “But they’re not to eat now. We have to wait until Easter.”  
  
Ben groans. “Not fair!”  
  
“Stop being a baby,” Callum laughs. “It’ll give us something to look forward to.”  
  
Ben smiles at him, watching as Callum puts the chocolate eggs into the back of a cupboard, noticing how he chooses to put them on the highest shelf.  
  
“You’ve done that on purpose!”  
  
“Yep!” Callum grins. “I’m already way ahead of you.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have eaten them!” Ben protests.  
  
“Yeah well, they’re up there and safe for now. And don’t worry, I got normal eggs as well so we can still have pancakes and omelettes in the mornings,” Callum says.  
  
Ben watches as Callum starts to put more of the shopping items in the cupboard. “I am so lucky to have you,” he says in what he hopes is a joking manner.  
  
Callum’s head appears from behind the cupboard door and he sends a wink in Ben’s direction. “You better believe it!”  
  
  
  
  
  
It isn’t until later on that day that Ben feels that strange feeling again. He’s all but forgotten about the odd atmosphere at breakfast. Since Callum had come back from the supermarket they had spent some time sitting together in the living room, Ben sprawled out on the sofa as he read through an old car magazine and Callum sitting on the armchair a short distance away filling in a Sudoku.  
  
“Everyone needs a hobby, Ben” Callum had told him when Ben called him out on it.  
  
“Yeah but Sudoku? Bit desperate ain’t it?”  
  
Callum had just shrugged. “These are desperate times.”  
  
Ben has come to enjoy the quiet moments. The silence between them never feels awkward or stilted, but are simply pleasant moments that pass the time. It’s surprised Ben just how easy living with Callum has been. Apart from the feelings he’s trying desperately to ignore and the way he has to keep checking himself to make sure he isn’t ogling Callum in plain sight, they have fallen into a routine quickly and Ben often finds that he has forgotten that they don’t actually live together; that one day this will all be over and Callum will return to his own flat. His own life. Whitney.  
  
Whitney. The girl who Callum had nervously left the table to go and talk to after they had finished eating dinner. Ben has attempted to distract himself by washing up the pans and plates and anything else he was able to find but he can still hear Callum’s laughter as it filters through from above him. What had Callum to feel nervous about? They were obviously enjoying being in one another’s company again, even if it was through the tiny screen of a mobile phone.  
  
Ben shakes his head as he finishes pouring out the water from the washing up bowl trying to rid the images from his mind of Callum beaming at Whitney through the screen, smiling at her in a way that he wishes Callum would smile at him. Noticing it’s getting dark outside, Ben pulls down the blinds on the kitchen window and goes upstairs to have a shower and change into some comfier clothes. Even though he hasn’t been going anywhere during the day, he’s still making the effort to get dressed in the mornings in an attempt to not look like a complete slob in front of Callum. Had he been at home by himself, he would likely not have changed for days on end.  
  
Going into the bathroom, he turns on the shower allowing the water to get warm as he pulls off his t-shirt. Just as he’s about to take off his jeans he remembers putting his towel in the washing basket the night before and not replacing it. The only towel still in the bathroom is Callum’s and he can’t exactly use that. Turning, he opens the bathroom door to go in search of a new towel, crashing straight into Callum as he walks out.  
  
“Oh! Um, sorry!” Callum babbles.  
  
“Sorry,” Ben says at the same time, taking in Callum’s surprise.  
  
Callum’s eyes suddenly flick down Ben’s body as if realising for the first time that he isn’t fully dressed. Looking back at Ben’s face, Ben sees Callum has quickly turned a light shade of pink.  
  
“I’m, I’m sorry,” he says again as Ben looks back at him.  
  
“It’s fine mate! Are you okay? You seem a bit…..” A bit what? Flustered? Panicked? All the things he shouldn’t have been given they were best friends and had seen each other in various states of undress in the past? Ben waits, hoping Callum will fill in the gap. When he doesn’t, Ben sighs and decides to just bite the bullet. “Callum, what’s going on?”  
  
Callum looks startled, his eyes flicking to the stairs at the end of the hallway as if he’s trying to map out an escape route for himself. “I’m fine!”  
  
“Are you? Because you’ve been a bit weird with me all day and I thought it was just me at first but…..” He pauses again, waiting for Callum.  
  
After a moment, Callum looks back at him before closing his eyes. When he opens them, he has them trained on the ceiling.  
  
“Okay, I’m just going to say it,” he starts, and _oh God_ , there _is_ something and it’s going to be worse than Ben thought. “I didn’t want to say anything because it’s not a big deal and it’s your house so you can do what you want. It’s just, I noticed it yesterday and again today and –“  
  
“Callum, please just say whatever it is.”  
  
“I heard the…..sounds coming out of your room yesterday morning. And again today. And well, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what you were doing.”  
  
Now it’s Ben’s turn to turn a bright shade of pink. “Oh shit! Shit! I’m, I’m, I’m sorry Callum –“  
  
“No! Don’t be sorry! Like I said, it’s your house, you can do what you want. I honestly didn’t mean to hear. I wasn’t listening or anything! It’s just that I passed by your room yesterday and this morning I was in the bathroom and……It’s honestly fine. It’s not a big deal.”  
  
Ben watches as Callum tries to justify himself. In any other situation he wouldn’t have cared. In any other situation he would have laughed at Callum’s fumbling and the way he’s still got his eyes trained on the ceiling above them. Ben isn’t in the least bit shy when it comes to sexual activity of any kind. He’s been caught having sex more times than is probably acceptable, usually when he’s been drunk and taken a stranger down the back alley of a club. But the thought of Callum hearing him this morning, especially when Callum had unknowingly caused it to happen in the first place, sends the feeling of complete and utter embarrassment washing over him.  
  
“It is a big deal Callum. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable being here.”  
  
Callum lowers his eyes to look back at Ben. “I don’t,” he says honestly. “I’m not……I don’t want you to think……Everyone has needs don’t they? I don’t expect you not to. It’s just not something you ever think you’ll hear your best mate doing that’s all.”  
  
Ben looks at the ground willing it to open up from beneath him. When that doesn’t happen he looks up at Callum again to see him smiling down at him.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Ben repeats. “I’ll keep the noise down from now on.”  
  
Callum nods. “You know, it was kind of worth telling you just to see the deer-caught-in-the-headlights look on your face.”  
  
“Oh shut up!” Ben scolds as Callum laughs.  
  
They stand for a moment, smiling at one another before Callum motions towards the stairs. “I should….”  
  
“Yeah,” Ben says as Callum starts to walk away. Ben turns to watch him go. “Callum,” he calls out. “We’re good yeah?”  
  
“Yeah, we’re good,” Callum calls back as he starts to go down the stairs.  
  
Ben closes his eyes, leaning back against the wall allowing it to cool the skin on his back. So, Callum had not only been in his dreams but he had been in earshot every time Ben had tried to find some release from them.  
  
Hearing the shower still running in the bathroom behind him, Ben decides he’ll maybe needs to turn the temperature dial to cold if he is to have any hope of getting over this.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much once again for comments and kudos. They really make my day! The majority of this fic is already written and I aim to post a new chapter every Wednesday and Sunday. Please feel free to let me know of any suggestions you may have.
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe.

**Chapter Three**

Thankfully, things go back to normal once Ben gets over his embarrassment at being heard. Callum mentions no more about it and Ben tries to ward off the dreams by staying up late into the night and listening to music in the hopes that he’ll drop off into a peaceful sleep free of his best friends face. His laugh. It’s usually so late by the time he eventually wakes up that he misses breakfast altogether. If Callum notices, he doesn’t question it, instead just calling him lazy.

“I’m not lazy!” Ben had defended. “I’m just getting my beauty sleep ain’t I?”

Callum had laughed. “Oh yeah, you don’t want to lose that pretty face of yours do you? That’d really lose you points on that app of yours.”

“That’s not really how it works mate,” Ben had chuckled back. “Besides, there’s not much else to do besides sleep right now.”

He’s been doing a lot of that over the last few days – sleeping. It’s been a helpful way to pass the endless amounts of time and not have to think about his ever growing feelings for Callum. But the sleep has also meant he’s losing energy quickly. He’s not as motivated to stick at some kind of routine as he was a few days ago and even the thought of making an effort for Callum is falling to the wayside.

It turns out, Callum has fallen into a bit of a slump too. Ben finds him sitting on the steps at the front of the house, door wide open as he stares out at the silent street ahead. Ben pauses, watching him for a moment before moving towards him.

“Callum?” When he gets no response, he puts a hand out, gently touching Callum’s shoulder who flinches, startled eyes turning to look up at him. “Sorry! Sorry. Didn’t mean to make you jump.”

Callum smiles slightly, shaking his head before turning back to look at the street.  
  
“Are you okay?” Ben asks.

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry, I just didn’t know you were there.”

“That’s not what I meant.” He looks at Callum for a moment longer before sitting down next to him on the step. It’s a squeeze, Callum shuffling a little to allow Ben more room, but they manage it. “What are you doing out here?”

“Just fancied some air.”

“I do have a garden out back you know.”

Callum’s quiet before saying, “It’s crazy to think the world’s just stopped. Like, no one knows how long this is going to last.”

“Hmm,” Ben adds non-committedly. It’s something he’s thought about but there’s still a part of him that feels like this isn’t real; like he’s going to wake up tomorrow and it will all have been a dream.

“Do you ever think about life away from here?” Callum asks. “Your family, your friends, your job?”

“What friends? I’ve got you, Jay and Lola! You’re here and Jay messages me that many times a day to let me know what he and Lola are up to that it doesn’t feel like they’ve gone anywhere!” It’s his default to try and make a joke out of the serious matters.

“You know what I mean Ben.” Callum sighs and when Ben doesn’t give him a response he adds, “I miss my life. The way things were before. I miss going to work every day and talking to Stu on the phone, even though as brothers go, he’s not the best. And I miss Whit. I miss feeling normal.”

Ben looks at him and sees the sadness in his eyes. Callum is never sad. For as long as Ben has known him, Callum has always been so upbeat, so happy and carefree. He longs to be able to fix this for him but he doesn’t know how. But he knows this: he’ll do whatever he can to make Callum smile again.

  
  
Callum’s low mood is enough for Ben to find some motivation again. Several hours after their conversation, Callum says he’s going for a walk before the sun starts to go down. As soon as he’s out of the house, Ben sets about raiding the cupboards for crisps and pulling out every kind of alcoholic beverage he can find. After several trips to the living room, he finally has everything in one place and starts to move the furniture before setting about on making dinner for when Callum gets back.

When he eventually does return, Ben manages to keep him out of the living room.

“You’re being weird,” Callum points out as they sit at the kitchen table eating the meal Ben has prepared.

Ben shrugs. “That’s nothing new. Enjoy your walk?”

“It was nice to get out yeah. I still feel a bit……” He trails off, looking down at his plate sadly.

“You need a night out.”

“If only!”

Ben smiles, choosing to say nothing.

  
  
“You’re late,” Ben says, tapping at his watch. He’s stood in the living room, leaning against the back of the sofa which he’s turned so that it’s now placed perpendicular to the cabinet in the corner. Callum is stood in the doorway, barely a foot into the room.

“What’s going on?”

“I’ve been waiting ages here for a drink. You’re late for your shift!”

Callum surveys the scene in front of him, looking puzzled. “What’s all this?”

“Okay, so I know it ain’t the same and I know it won’t make a difference but you were saying you missed normal life so I thought I’d try to bring normal life here.” He brings his arms out towards the cabinet which is laden with bottles and glasses and packets of crisps. “Welcome to the Queen Victoria Public House – COVID-style!”

Callum stares, taking it all in. Now that Ben really looks at the set up, he realises his living room looks nothing like a pub at all, least of all The Vic. He’d moved the table and chairs from the kitchen after dinner and put them in the middle of the living room, he’d set up the stereo in an attempt at creating some background noise, he’d even added a few extra cushions to the sofa to try and create some kind of booth. But looking around at it now, he realises how silly it all was. “This was a stupid idea weren’t it?” he sighs, rubbing at his face.

“No. It…..You did this for me?”

Ben looks back to see Callum smiling. It’s the first time he’s seen that smile all day and he knows Callum’s not faking it. He can’t stop himself from smiling back.  
  
It’s only when he realises they’ve been smiling at each other for too long that he clears his throat and tries to focus. He pats the back of the sofa. “Right, well, you’d best get behind the bar; I’m gasping here!”

  
  
“How did you not know you had this?” Callum laughs as he opens the box of gin mixers.

“I don’t know. I don’t even drink gin!”

“Ooh! Passionfruit! Let’s try this.”

Ben watches as Callum excitedly opens one of the bottles, sniffing curiously at the top of it before pouring some of its contents into a glass.

They’ve been sitting at the table for the best part of an hour, Callum putting his “bar man” duties to rest. Ben had said it was an obvious attempt to chat up the punters and when Callum had pointed out that Ben was the only punter there, Ben said, “Exactly!” and thrown in a wink for good measure. Callum had only laughed at that before swiftly taking a drink from his bottle of beer.

Now, almost an hour later, and Callum has resorted to searching through the rest of Ben’s alcohol, keen to see what Ben has been keeping stashed in his cupboards all this time.

“Are you trying to get me drunk Mr Highway?” Ben asks as Callum slides a glass over to him.

“Is it working?”

Ben grins. “And I thought I was the bad influence in this relationship!” The word slips out without him even thinking about it. He means ‘friendship’. A friendship is still a relationship anyway. But even so, the connotations that come with that one word make the hairs on the back of his neck prickle and he glances away from Callum as he tries to ignore the voice in his head reminding him that _it’s not like that_. It never will be like that.

“Thanks for doing this for me Ben,” Callum speaks into the silence that has fallen around them. When Ben chances a look back at him, he sees Callum’s soft smile and it tugs somewhere deep in his chest.

“It was nothing.”

“Yeah, it was. No one else would’ve done this for me. I think I needed this. You know, something different. A proper laugh with my best mate.”

Ben chuckles. “I’m here every day mate.”

“You know what I mean. This, tonight, it’s been nice.”

Ben nods. It has. He doesn’t want it to be over just yet. He looks down at the glass in front of him, then back at Callum mischievously. “Let’s play a game!”

  
  
“Just get your leg over!”

“I can’t Ben!”

“You can, you’re just not trying!”

“I am trying!”

Ben sighs, closing his eyes in frustration and then looking back at Callum above him. “Callum, are you going to complain every time you have to make a move?”  
  
“When you said we should play a game I was thinking cards or, I don’t know, Cluedo!”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“Where’s the fun in this?” Callum counteracts as he finally manages to stretch his right leg across Ben’s body to place his foot on the big red circle.

They have been playing Twister for ten minutes so far and Ben is sure Callum has complained for at least eight of those. It had taken longer to find the game and explain the rules to Callum who had argued that drinking whilst playing a game like Twister probably wasn’t a good idea. Ben had rolled his eyes and pushed Callum towards the mat that he had placed in the middle of the living room and hoped that Callum would eventually stop his grumbling.

That hadn’t happened.

“Ben, you need to spin otherwise I’m going to fall on top of you,” Callum says as he visibly struggles from above.

Ben fights the urge to roll his eyes again as he turns the spinner, watching as it comes to fall on ‘Right hand: Green’. It’s an easy move from his current position and he moves his hand accordingly. “See, it’s really not as difficult as you’re making it out to be Callum.”

“Yeah, well you would say that,” Callum huffs. “You’re more flexible than I am.”

Ben presses his mouth closed to stop the obvious joke his mind has conjured up from slipping out. “It’s not my fault that I have more control of my limbs,” he says instead.

“Is that a joke about my height?”

Ben laughs. “Well it’d make a change wouldn’t it? But no. You’re like Bambi on ice even when you’re sober so I suppose you stood no chance with this.”

“Then why’d you get it out?” Callum glares.

“Because it’s fun! Now, are you going to take your turn or are we just going to stay like this and argue? Either’s fine with me.”

Callum sends another glare his way before reaching out towards the spinner. Ben sees it coming before Callum does but that still doesn’t prepare him for the heavy body that comes crashing down on top of him just seconds later.

“Oof! Callum!” Ben screeches as Callum digs an elbow into his stomach as he attempts to scramble off of Ben. Callum falls to the side, laying on the mat next to Ben as they both try and get their breaths back.

Callum lets out a giggle and Ben glances over at him as blue eyes meet his. It’s enough to make him let out a chuckle of his own and then they’re both laughing loudly, huge belly laughs, and honestly? This is the happiest Ben has been in a long time.

“You okay?” Callum asks once their laughter has died down. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t hold that position any longer.”

And he’s tried but that’s just too good of an opening for Ben not to take. “Oh yeah?” he says cheekily. “That not a position you’re used to, no?”

When he doesn’t get a response, he looks over to see Callum has stilled, a light smattering of pink sprinkled across his cheeks. It reminds Ben that it’s just the two of them here. There is no buffer like there usually is when he comes out with one of his many colourful innuendoes. Callum is used to this, knows that Ben can turn just about anything into a joke, but he’s never engaged with them. They’ve always made him blush, something which Ben has always duly noted and appreciated, but he’s never had to respond to them because Jay has always been there or Lola or one of their other friends.

When it’s just the two of them, Ben has always been more careful. He knows how awkward Callum becomes at the mere mention of sex, something he discovered within the first few weeks of meeting him. The topic is second nature to him. It comes as easily as talking about the weather. He forgets it’s not like that for most people and it’s certainly never been like that for Callum.

Ben isn’t one to change who he is though. He’ll tone it down around certain people, Callum mainly, but he won’t cut it out completely. People know that if they’re friends with him, euphemisms are a part of him, part of his humour, and there’s no escaping them.

Callum sits up suddenly. He stretches over to the table which has now been pushed to the side of the room to accommodate the Twister mat. Reaching up, he brings down one of the shot glasses from the top, awkwardly holding it out to show Ben. “Better take my forfeit.”

Ben watches as he brings the glass to his lips, tips it, and swallows the contents. The air has changed between them and he’s trying to understand it, he really is, but he just doesn’t get it. So he forces himself to sit up and asks the question he’s been wanting to know the answer to for years.

“Why do you go red when I talk about sex?”

Callum stills, eyes meeting Ben’s before putting the shot glass back on the table and wiping at his mouth.

“You’ve always done it,” Ben adds. “Ever since I met you.”

Callum’s forehead creases. “I don’t.” After a pause he says, “Why do you always talk about sex?”

“Because that’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been. Why do you always avoid it?”

He hears Callum sigh and watches as he moves closer to sit across from him on the mat. The plastic crinkles beneath them as Callum tries to get comfortable.  
  
“It’s a big thing ain’t it? Sex. I’m not like most blokes,” Callum shrugs. “I just prefer to keep stuff like that in the bedroom.”

“The bedroom, the bathroom, toilets down the club, a back alley….” Ben says nonchalantly, fighting the irritation that seems to have sprung from nowhere. He doesn’t know why this conversation has taken such a sour turn. Maybe it’s the fact that they’ve been stuck in lockdown for over two weeks and have barely seen another soul. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s because Callum effectively put Ben into the category of “most blokes” as if it was a bad thing. Maybe it’s because of this weird atmosphere that has fallen over them and Ben’s trying to dig them out of it whilst subsequently digging them deeper. Maybe it’s all of those things.

“I’m not like you Ben. I can’t have sex with just anyone.” And ouch, that stings. He doesn’t even know why. He’s never been ashamed of who he is. He’s the type to brag about what he was doing last night and who he’ll be doing tonight. But somehow it hurts to hear Callum say those words. He looks down at the mat and focuses intently on a bright yellow circle. Callum must see the look on his face because he’s quick to add, “There’s nothing wrong with it! You can do what you like! It works for you and that’s great. It’s just not me that’s all.”

When Ben brings his eyes back to Callum he sees no judgement there, just Callum looking back at him sincerely. It softens something inside him and he feels shy all of a sudden. This isn’t him. He’s proud to boast about sex, will flaunt it to the world and not give a damn. He never feels abashed by it and being shy is a feeling that’s almost foreign to him. Callum brings out something Ben’s kept hidden away for years. Or some _one_. Someone he forgot was even there. It’s the version of him he thinks he might like given the chance.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made that stupid joke.”

“It’s fine,” Callum smiles. “You’re right, it’s who you are. There ain’t nothing wrong with that. It’s just not who I am. When I sleep with someone it's just got to mean something.”

Ben fights back a smile of his own at that. Callum is so incredibly sweet without realising it. God, why does he have to love him?

“I bet you’re really vanilla…..in the bedroom,” Ben drawls in an attempt to emphasise Callum’s earlier comment. He’s trying to bring himself back to something he knows, something he’s confident with, whilst also trying not to push Callum into a subject he’s uncomfortable with.

He looks across at the man before him to gage his reaction. Callum’s picking at the nails on his fingers but he doesn’t look as awkward as he did five minutes ago.  
  
“It’s not really about what you do,” Callum shrugs. “It’s about the feelings you have for the other person.”

It’s quiet for a moment. “Hmm,” Ben says in thought. “To be honest, I reckon gay sex is just different. There’s a lot of pent up testosterone flying around, you know? I don’t really feel the need to make attachments. Sometimes all I need is the feeling of someone elses body draped over me, something to get lost into. That’s enough for me.”

“An-And that’s what you do is it? Get lost in a total stranger?”

Ben shrugs, unsure how much he can say before Callum starts retreating again. “It’s just…..Well it’s half the fun I guess. It’s kinda hot, knowing you’re both there for the same reason, knowing you ain’t going to see each other again.”

“I don’t get it.” Callum shakes his head. He looks lost. There’s a growing look of concentration in his face, like he’s trying desperately to understand Ben’s point of view. Ben wants to tell him that it’s fine, he doesn’t have to get it, but something stops him.

“I get what you mean about having a connection but it doesn’t always have to be about that. Sex is primal ain’t it? Sometimes all you need is the feeling of someone else’s hands on you, the feel of their breath on your skin, and the heat of their body against yours. Sometimes you just have to be in that moment, you know? Feel that closeness even if you don’t have an attachment. It can be a power thing too, if that’s what you’re into. Knowing you’re making them feel just as good as they are for you. And I mean, I’m gonna be honest with you Callum, I’m _good_ in bed! Like, really good! A tall statement I know, but a true one.” He grins proudly. If it’s one thing he’s confident with, it’s this.

His grin fades though when he takes a second to properly take Callum in. Callum is still sitting across from him, no longer picking at his finger nails, and is staring at him fixatedly. Ben doesn’t know whether it’s the lighting, but the blue of Callum’s eyes seem to have darkened. He’s never seen this look before from Callum. He’s used to the sweet smiles, the soft laughs, the look of adoration that crosses his features whenever Whitney appears, as much as it pains Ben to think about her right now. But this, this is a Callum he’s never seen and he feels the hairs on his arms stand on end at being under Callum’s microscope.

“I bet they all want you don’t they? Bet they all fall under your spell,” Callum says breathily.

“Most of them,” Ben agrees. Then he fixes Callum with a stare and adds, “Not everyone though.”

The air between them feels palpable but Ben doesn’t know if he’s just imagining it. He continues to watches Callum carefully. Only then he notices something else. He really wishes he hadn’t, or at the very least he wishes he could pretend he hasn’t. But once he’s noticed, the wiring in his brain seems to malfunction and he can’t un-see it.

All it takes is for Callum to move a leg slightly. The top half of his body is still but his bottom half keeps twitching, his toes curling slightly and a knee moving inwards.

Callum is hard. He has jog pants on and it shouldn’t be obvious, probably wouldn’t be to anyone else, but Ben has been honing in on his perception skills for years now, not just with men in general, though that is second nature to him, but with Callum.

Ben doesn’t know what to say. He has a back catalogue of things he _would_ say if this were anyone else. But it’s not. It’s Callum. His Callum. His best friend Callum who is now sitting in front of him hard from Ben’s words alone and looking like he can’t decide if he should run and hide or whether he can get away at convincing himself that Ben hasn’t noticed. Even know they both know he has.

The seconds of silence open up between them. Ben urges his brain to start working again and when Callum still doesn’t move he takes any decision he would have eventually made out of his hands.

“You….uh, you can go and – you should probably go sort that out mate.” It comes out sounding more awkward than he intends it to but hell, this _is_ awkward! He’s fighting back the desire to throw himself at Callum right now whilst simultaneously trying to process how he’s ended up in this situation with his best friend; the best friend he is in love with and who can’t love him back. And not only that, but this is Callum for Christ’s sake! Prim and proper Callum who is all things vanilla and the definition of innocence when it comes to anything like this. It was only the other day that he’d babbled his way through having to tell Ben that he’d heard the early morning activities coming from Ben’s bedroom.

Shit! He just needs Callum to move out of his eye line.

“I’ll- I’ll be fine in a bit,” Callum replies. He voice sounds tight in his throat and fuck, that really isn’t helping. “It’s just, I haven’t……Not since this lockdown thing started.” Ben looks at him, struggling to make sense of what Callum is saying to him. Thankfully, he elaborates. “You know, like what you’ve done.” He’s redder than Ben has ever seen him and he can’t help but feel bad for the older man.

“Look,” Ben tries. “Everyone needs a little self-service every once in a while okay? We’ve been here for over two weeks and Whitney went away a couple of weeks before that. That’s a long time. What you need is a little bit of self-care. There’s no shame in it. Go. You’ll only feel worse if you don’t.”

Callum’s eyes flicker everywhere for a minute, landing on different places in the room before he finally nods stiffly and gets up, leaving the room.

The moment Ben hears Callum’s footsteps heading upstairs, he throws his hands over his face and let’s his body fall back onto the mat.

How the hell did they get here? He thinks about the alcohol, the game of Twister, his stupid innuendo that lead to an awkward conversation about sex which was somehow all that was needed to bring Callum to an erection. He thinks about Callum; lovely, sweet Callum with his suddenly dark eyes and reddened cheeks. He thinks about Callum being upstairs now, thinks about what he’s doing. He feels his heartbeat quickening, the seam of his jeans getting tighter, and he shouldn’t, he knows he shouldn’t, but before his brain can send out the communication his hand is pushing its way into his jeans and reaching for the waistband of his boxers.

Of all of the memories he has of Callum, this one may just keep him awake at night.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for kudos and comments! They mean so much to me and are very much appreciated. 
> 
> This chapter went through an overhaul and I completely changed the direction of it due to a later chapter in the story. As such, I'm not sure how it reads without hindsight of what's to come but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
> 
> I’ve taken liberties with this chapter in the fact that Ben’s back yard is less of a yard and more of a garden with actual grass and a potted plant. Please just go with it :)
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe.

**Chapter Four**

  
It had taken a whole day of Callum apologising profusely before they could move on. No matter how many times Ben had told him that it wasn’t a big deal, Callum couldn’t seem to shift his embarrassment. Ben understood it of course, it never does take much for his best friend to feel embarrassed about something, but he hated the thought that it had made Callum feel uncomfortable and was desperate to put him more at ease.

“Makes us even now anyway, don’t it?” Ben had said the next day after what was Callum’s fifth apology.

“What?”

“Well, you overheard me jerking myself off in my room and I saw you……as you were. Makes us even.”  
  
That had seemed to pacify Callum and eventually, after much convincing on Ben’s part, Callum had finally dropped the subject, even going as far as to seeing the funny side once Ben had pointed out what a pair they made.  
  
As the days have worn on, Ben has tried to steer away from any innuendo that has popped into his head but he’s never had much of a filter when it comes to the topic of sex and censoring himself has started to become tedious. It would be nice to think that by the time lockdown is over, Callum might feel a little more at ease whenever Ben mentions it.  
  
It’s not that he wants to continue making Callum uncomfortable, it’s just that he’s always been endeared by the blush that has risen over his best friend’s cheeks whenever Ben has made some kind of sexual remark in the past. He doesn’t want that to change just because they’re now here without Jay or Lola or any other third party. He loves everything about Callum, but it’s this quiet and shy side of him that Ben finds most captivating. Their conversation the other night was like stripping off a layer to that side for the first time.  
  
Ben has never spent so much uninterrupted time in Callum’s presence. He thought he knew everything there was to know about his friend but this side of Callum has always been off-limits to him. Now, thanks to alcohol and a game of Twister, Ben has been able to capture a glimpse of what’s behind that wall and he’s desperate to keep stripping it back further.  
  
As much as he appreciates the conversation they had, he still doesn’t quite understand what caused Callum to be so turned on by it. He’s tried to get his head around it but it’s enough of a task trying to manage his ever growing feelings for the man without having to work out what it was specifically that caused Callum’s excitement. That’s something he’s trying not to read into too much.  
  
They’re now coming towards the end of their third week in lockdown and there’s no doubt in Ben’s mind that they’ll get news of an extension tomorrow. He’s awake earlier than usual today. He had tried to force himself back to sleep once he’d seen how early it was but his mind had started spinning with thoughts he just couldn’t seem to shut off and the longer he had laid there, the more frustrated he had become with them.  
  
He’d reluctantly decided to get out of bed and even though he’s not surprised to see Callum already awake – he’s always been an earlier riser than Ben – he _is_ surprised to him sitting on the step by the back door looking out across the garden. It reminds Ben of just a few days ago when he’d found him sitting at the front in a sombre mood but Ben can see his face now and he doesn’t look sad. In fact, he looks quite content sitting there.  
  
The open door brings a chill into the kitchen despite the sunlight outside and Ben shivers before moving further into the room towards Callum.  
  
“What you doing?”  
  
Callum keeps looking ahead but raises a hand in Ben’s direction. “Shh! You’ll scare him,” he whispers. Ben looks out across the garden but can’t see anybody. The neighbouring houses are silent.  
  
“Who?”  
  
“Oliver.”  
  
“Again, who?”  
  
Callum motions towards the corner of the garden and Ben follows his direction towards the potted plant that sits alone. It had been there when he’d moved in and Ben had never bothered to do anything with it, just as he has never bothered to do anything with the rest of the garden either. There’s simply the small expanse of grass, the paving stoned pathway running alongside the house, and the potted plant in the corner that even without attention continues to grow tall tulips every spring time without fail.  
  
Ben squints at where Callum is pointing and sees a squirrel nibbling away at something in its paws, half hidden by the plant pot.  
  
He closes his eyes unsure what to say about this. “You named a squirrel?”  
  
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” Callum responds as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. Ben opens his eyes to see Callum still watching the rodent closely. “He’s friendly, but you have to take things slowly with him otherwise he’ll get spooked.”  
  
“……Right.” It’s all he’s got. He’s never speechless but there’s a first time for everything.  
  
Callum looks up at him then. “You’re up early. I haven’t even made a start on breakfast yet.”  
  
“Uh, yeah,” he says, scratching at his head. “It looked like a nice day out.” _And I couldn’t get you off my mind_ is probably best left unsaid. “Um, I might take a walk later if you want to come with?”  
  
“Sure,” Callum nods, turning to look back at the creature in the corner of the garden. Something rustles at the side of him and Ben leans forward to see what he’s got hidden away. Callum has his hand in a plastic bag and when he withdraws it he throws something out across the garden.  
  
They both watch as the squirrel comes into full view, bouncing over, sniffing at the ground before picking something up in its mouth and retreating again to its corner.  
  
“Are you _feeding_ it?” Ben questions aghast.  
  
“Him,” Callum clarifies. “I’m feeding him. His name is Oliver.”  
  
“With _what_?”  
  
“These.” Ben watches as Callum picks up the bag from beside him and now that he can see it clearer he sees that it’s a bag of mixed nuts. “I got them at the supermarket last week. Oliver’s been coming for ages.” He looks back towards the squirrel. “Little regular now ain’t you?”  
  
There’s a fond smile on Callum’s face and Ben swears if he wasn’t already in love with him then he’d most certainly be falling for him now. It doesn’t change the fact that he finds the whole idea of feeding and naming a squirrel completely bizarre though.  
  
Across the garden, the squirrel finishes its first nut and starts scampering towards them in search of more. Callum points towards another nut that lays on the ground. “Oliver!” he whispers. “It’s there!”  
  
Ben watches on, utterly perplexed at the sight of the animal moving towards the nut, picking it up in its mouth and once again retreating to its corner of the garden.  
  
“So…..why do you call it Oliver?”  
  
Callum chuckles. “Because he always wants more.”  
  
“Right…….” He still has no words. “Right, well so do I so are you going to get started on breakfast or shall I?”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben is sitting at the kitchen table scrolling through his social media feed when half a loaf of bread drops down in front of him. He looks up to see Callum standing over him expectantly.  
  
“Sorry?” he asks.  
  
“I knew you weren’t listening. What’s so interesting?”  
  
Ben shakes his head, chuckling a little. “Just people’s videos. Sorry, what were you saying?”  
  
“Sandwiches for lunch today? We need to use the bread otherwise it’s going to start going furry and green and there’s no room in the freezer.”  
  
“Sandwiches are fine. Besides, you could always give any mouldy bread to Peter and Paul,” Ben jokes.  
  
“Who?”  
  
“The birds you’ll have no doubt named by the time this lockdown is over.”  
  
Callum rolls his eyes, picking up the bread and taking it over to the kitchen unit. “There is nothing wrong with me calling a squirrel Oliver.”  
  
“That’s a matter of opinion,” Ben says under his breath as he turns back to his phone.  
  
He continues to scroll through his feed, stopping occasionally to look at a post. He’s vaguely aware of Callum moving about as he prepares lunch for the two of them but it isn’t until he’s been through every drawer that Ben looks up at him.  
  
He watches as Callum returns to the cutlery drawer. There’s a vexed expression on his face as he opens it and rummages through before sighing. Ben can’t keep a smile from tugging at the corner of his lips.  
  
As if feeling Ben’s eyes on him, Callum turns to face him. “You could help you know.”  
  
“I’m kinda enjoying this to be honest,” he smirks. “What are you looking for?”  
  
Callum sighs. “I need a knife.”  
  
“Steady on! I didn’t realise you were that close to the end of your tether,” Ben jokes.  
  
“I need a knife for the salad.”  
  
Ben stands and walks to the open drawer, pulling out a knife and presenting it to Callum. “There you go. Easy.”  
  
“How am I meant to cut salad with that Ben? I need a proper chopping knife.”  
  
“This is fine. I’ve never had a problem using it in the past.”  
  
Ben waves the knife in his hand and as if realising he’s out of options, Callum sighs again and takes it from him, shaking his head before turning to the unit. “I can’t believe you don’t have a proper chopping knife.”  
  
“What can I say? I’m basic. Can I help?”  
  
Callum hands him another knife from the drawer and pushes a cucumber his way. “You can cut that,” he says.  
  
Ben picks it up, looks at it and smirks. He sees the creased line on Callum’s forehead as he chops at a tomato and decides he’s feeling playful today. If ever he needed a sign to try and peel back another layer of Callum’s shy side, this seems as good as any, and this is too good to pass up on.  
  
“Ooh now what do we have here? It’s a good size,” Ben smirks, holding the phallic object in his hand. “Firm too.”  
  
“Ben!” Callum scolds as he continues to chop tomatoes.  
  
Ben laughs. “What? Just thinking of the things I could do with this.”  
  
He’s joking. He finds the thought mildly disgusting himself but it’s worth it to see the look on Callum’s face. This isn’t about making him uncomfortable. This is about testing the boundaries in the hopes that Callum may one day be comfortable whenever Ben talks about things like this.  
  
Callum puts down his knife as a blush blooms on his cheeks.  
  
“Oh come on Callum. I’m just having a laugh.”  
  
“Why do you do this?” Callum whines, though Ben can see he’s not mad. “Why do you get a kick out of winding me up?”  
  
“It’s funny to see you blush!” And it’s a beautiful mix of adorable and sexy but he’s not about to tell him that.  
  
Callum shakes his head, looking back down at the tomato. Ben worries he’s stepped over the line but then Callum is looking back at him. “You’re a nightmare.”  
  
There’s a smile threatening to break out on Callum’s face and Ben feels encouraged by it.  
  
“Yeah, I am. But I could start doing this and then we’d really be in trouble!” He starts to move his hand up and down the length of the cucumber, waiting on Callum’s reaction. Callum’s eyes latch onto it for a moment before he points his knife at Ben.  
  
“Cut it out! Unless you want an awkward repeat of the other night.”  
  
Ben laughs and Callum let’s out an uncertain chuckle of his own. He’s not completely comfortable, Ben can tell, but he’s more open than he was the other night.  
  
“Mr Vanilla making jokes about his hard on?” Ben gasps. “There’s hope for you yet!”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
“You’d be good on this,” Ben says, nodding his head in the direction of the television which is showing an old episode of The Great British Bake Off.  
  
Since the beginning of lockdown, Callum has slowly been introducing Ben to some of his favourite shows and although most of them aren’t to his own tastes, he’ll happily watch them alongside Callum anyway. Although he’ll never admit it, he’s growing to like this particular one.  
  
They’re sitting in the living room tucking into their sandwiches, Ben on the sofa, Callum in the armchair. Callum has been desperate to do some baking ever since lockdown began, but the lack of flour in the supermarkets has meant that hasn’t been an option so far.  
  
“You reckon?” Callum asks, watching as a contestant on screen narrowly avoids a tray of pastries from getting burnt.  
  
“Yeah, you’d be brilliant! You’re really good at all that stuff.”  
  
“I might try that shop across the road again and see if I can get some ingredients. Judging by that kitchen of yours, I’m probably going to need a decent mixing bowl too.”  
  
“There’s nothing wrong with my kitchen!” Ben says defensively.  
  
“Ben, you don’t have a proper chopping knife. I highly doubt you’re going to have a mixing bowl.”  
  
As usual, Callum is right and Ben picks up a cushion from beside him and launches it at the other man who somehow manages to catch it despite balancing a plate on his knees.  
  
“Don’t start a fight you can’t win Ben,” he smirks, throwing the cushion back in Ben’s direction. “I might go over to my flat one day and pick up some stuff. You know, bowls, sieves, spatulas – that sort of thing.”  
  
Ben nods, choosing to ignore Callum’s remark about his cushion fighting skills on this occasion. There’ll be plenty of time to prove him wrong. He turns back to the television and they sit in silence for a while, watching as the judges give their opinions on each of the contestants’ pieces.  
  
“Can I ask you something?” Callum says after a while.  
  
“Yeah, sure,” Ben responds, picking up his glass of orange juice from the floor and taking a drink.  
  
“Would you ever get married do you think?”  
  
Ben almost chokes on the juice, spluttering and wiping at his mouth. “What?”  
  
He carefully puts the glass back down and wipes at his mouth again. He looks across at Callum in the hopes that he’ll expand on what was such a direct and out of the blue question.  
  
“Sorry. It’s just, Whitney said something last night that made me think that’s what she wants one day.”  
  
“Right. Well I’d hate to break it to her but she’s not my type,” Ben jokes.  
  
“No, not you! Me! I think she wants us to get married.”  
  
Ben forces a smile and tries to push down the stabbing in his chest that he never seems to get used to. “Then why does it matter if I ever would or not?”  
  
“It just got me thinking that’s all. And I like her, I really like her, but us getting married is something I’ve never thought about. And obviously she has.”  
  
“I thought you more than liked her?” he questions. “I thought you loved her?”  
  
“Oh, yeah I do! That’s what I meant.”  
  
Callum’s looking at him eagerly but there’s an uncertainty in his tone that Ben can’t help but latch on to. “Marriage ain’t for everyone mate,” he says after a moment.  
  
“Yeah but isn’t that the whole purpose of life? You know; you meet the girl, you get married, you have kids? Ain’t that the whole point?”  
  
Ben shrugs. “Life’s what you make it I reckon. The whole white picket fence thing is a dream people tell themselves only to be disappointed when they get anything less. Why plan anything? Why not just see where the road takes you?”  
  
“I don’t really know how to do that.” Callum looks down at the plate still balancing precariously on his knees. Ben notices he’s still only half way through his sandwich. There’s a sadness in his eyes that Ben can’t seem to decipher. “It’s not that I don’t want to get married, I do, it’s just….not something I’ve thought about with Whit even though it would make sense to.”  
  
Oh. It’s not a marriage thing. It’s a Whitney thing.  
  
“Well, there’s no rush is there?” Ben says, his mind reeling with this new information. “Whit’s the only girl I’ve ever known you to settle down with. You gotta make sure you’re with the right person and if she’s it then what does it matter if or when you get married?”  
  
Callum’s forehead creases. “Yeah,” he says quietly.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That had been the end of their conversation. Callum had fallen quiet and Ben hadn’t known what else to say. So instead they had continued to watch the rest of the episode whilst Callum picked away at his sandwich.  
  
Ben spends the rest of the day thinking about what was said. He doesn’t know why Callum’s words feel like such a revelation to him, it’s not like he’d said anything particularly shocking. But the thought that the natural progression of Callum and Whitney’s relationship might lead them to different places is something he can feel himself gripping onto.  
  
Callum hasn’t thought about marrying Whitney. He wants to get married, he has that on his life plan, but he hasn’t thought about doing so with the girl he loves.  
  
And that’s another thing. Callum had said he _liked_ her. It was only on Ben’s prompt that he agreed he loved her. He knows he’s getting too weighed down by semantics, his own desperate heart searching for anything to cling to, but he can’t seem to stop thinking about that conversation and the look on Callum’s face as they’d had it.  
  
He’s never once considered that Whitney isn’t the one Callum is meant to be with. They’ve been together for a year now and ever since the early days of their relationship Callum has always gushed over how happy he is. He’s seemed settled – the perfect little life really. The doubt that clouded his face when he talked about the idea of marriage is something Ben can’t rid from his mind.  
  
It would have made more sense for Callum to say it was too early in their relationship just yet. After all, some people spend a lifetime together before they get married. It would have made sense for Callum to say that he’d like to marry Whitney one day, just not right now.  
  
Some men would have freaked out at the prospect of getting tied down. They’d have panicked if their girlfriend had so much as mentioned wedding bells. But that’s not Callum. Callum is the most committed person Ben knows. He would do anything for Whitney. He dotes on her. He hasn’t so much as looked at any other girl since Whitney came into his life. And as he has said, he _does_ want to get married so he’s not scared of making a commitment such as that.  
  
But for some reason, Whitney’s words were playing on Callum’s mind so much that he had brought it up with Ben as if Ben held the answers he was looking for. And now because of that, it’s playing on his own mind too and Ben hates that. He hates it because even though having Callum on his mind practically every second of the day is something he is quickly becoming used to, his brain analysing every part of Callum and Whitney’s relationship and dissecting the words that Callum does and doesn’t say is something he didn’t sign up to. Apparently though his brain and heart are working together to completely screw him over.  
  
And really, where is all of this overthinking going to get him? Even if it’s not Whitney who Callum gets married to, it will be someone else. Even if he changes his mind and decides marriage isn’t something that is on the cards for him after all, he’ll still be in a relationship with Whitney or some other girl that comes along. So really, what is all of _this_ going to amount to? All of the questions, all of the wondering, all of the analysing? It isn’t going to get him anywhere other than hurt and loneliness.  
  
Fairytales never tell you that though do they? They tell you that love is beautiful and magical and all things good. They never prepare you for the heartbreaks.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was both the easiest and most difficult chapter to write for different reasons. It is probably one of my favourites from the whole story though so I really hope you like it.
> 
> The song mentioned is Shania Twain’s ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman’.
> 
> As always, enjoy and stay safe!

**Chapter Five  
  
  
  
**

It’s the following day when they get news of the lockdown extension. It doesn’t come as a surprise to either of them, it had been inevitable really, but hearing the confirmation leaves them both feeling dismal.

“What’s the first thing you’re going to do once lockdown’s over?” Callum asks from beside him on the sofa, breaking the silence between them.

Ben huffs out a laugh. “Go to the pub. What about you?”

“Go to work in the pub probably.” He pauses, then says, “No, but really, what will you do when this is over?”

“Why is going to the pub not a viable answer?”

“Because that’s what everyone will be doing won’t they?”

Ben shrugs. Once this is all over Callum will go back to his flat leaving Ben alone in this house which will no doubt feel too big and too quiet. He struggles to imagine not having Callum there every day and he knows he’ll likely go anywhere and do anything so long as he can avoid an empty house.  
  
He’s never been the kind of person to deal with his emotions head on. He runs away and hides for as long as it takes in the hopes all those emotions won’t be there when he comes back out. There’s only so long that running away works for, it never really helps in the end, but after years of practice, it’s a habit now. It’s his preferred way of coping.  
  
It’s the reason he has spent the best part of three years ignoring the knowing looks Jay or Lola send his way whenever they’re out with Callum or whenever Callum’s name is mentioned. He knows they know, he can sense their pity, but he’ll never admit to his feelings for Callum, not to them or to anyone else. It’s hard enough admitting it to himself sometimes.  
  
“Go on then,” Ben starts in an attempt to turn the topic back to Callum, “What will you do when this is over? Other than work?”  
  
Callum smiles. “I’ve been thinking we could go to the seaside.”  
  
“What, you and me?”  
  
“Yeah. Wide open spaces, sea air, being able to go wherever you like…..How good does that sound right now?”  
  
And yeah, Ben admits that does sound like fun.  
  
“We could go in the slot machines,” he says, buying into the idea. “We could get fish and chips with loads of vinegar and salt and sit and eat them on the pier.”  
  
“And doughnuts,” Callum adds. “Can’t go to the seaside without getting doughnuts.”  
  
Ben laughs. “Yeah, and doughnuts.” There’s a smile on Callum’s face. It’s like watching the sun seep through the darkness of the clouds after a thunder storm. Ben’s chest feels warm as he says, “Does that mean you won’t be sick and tired of being around me after this then?”  
  
“Sick and tired of being around you?” Callum grins, raising his eyebrows. “Never!”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Remind me why we do this every single week?” Ben moans.  
  
“Because it’s for the NHS,” Callum responds from beside him as they continue to clap their hands. “Quit your moaning. There’s people going out and risking their lives to help other people. The least you can do is stand and clap for a few minutes.”  
  
From his front door, he stands on the steps looking out across the street. Not everyone is out there clapping, but most of them are. He sees neighbours stood in their gardens, some have come out onto the road, some are whistling loudly and whooping in celebration. He sees a small boy who looks to be around four or five years old. He’s waving a homemade banner in the air, ‘Thank you NHS’ written on it in big colourful lettering. Ben wonders how much of this the boy understands, how much of it he’ll remember in years to come.  
  
He gets why they come out here every week to do this. He understands that it’s a way of celebrating and giving thanks to those who continue to work through these times and it’s a way of showing solidarity with each other. He reckons it’s as much for the key workers as it is for everyone else. So he _does_ get it and he doesn’t mean to moan but that doesn’t stop his stomach rumbling at the thought of their takeaway sitting in the living room going cold.  
  
He voices this to Callum and then wishes he hadn’t when he sees the glare sent his way.  
  
“This isn’t about you Ben!” he scolds. “Besides, it’s your fault for ordering it when you did.”  
  
“I didn’t know they were going to take so long to deliver!”  
  
Callum rolls his eyes. “You’re like a child! Sometimes I wonder why I’m friends with you!”  
  
Ben laughs and then pauses, looking carefully at Callum to make sure that he really was joking about that. Callum can read him like a book, knows exactly what he’s thinking, and his face softens. “Yes, I am joking before you ask. Couldn’t be without you could I?”  
  
 _I couldn’t be without you either_ , Ben thinks.  
  
They continue to clap and Callum looks out at the view of their street. But all Ben can do is watch Callum. Callum is the only view that matters sometimes; the best view. He smiles at him for so long that he doesn’t notice the clapping quieten or the neighbours returning to their houses.  
  
“Right, come on you,” Callum says, bringing Ben out of his daze. “Can’t have you keeling over with starvation can we?”  
  
Callum turns and goes inside and Ben continues to smile after him, stepping over the threshold, looking out at the street once more and then closing the door.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They finish their takeaways, neatly piling the containers on the floor beside the sofa on Callum’s request. “It’s just tidier Ben,” he says. “I’ll take them to the kitchen when I go.”  
  
A music channel plays on the television across from them but neither have been paying attention, instead talking amongst themselves as they’ve eaten. It’s nice though, the background noise, even if all the music playing is cheesy tunes from the nineties.  
  
They’re in the middle of debating whether to watch a movie as the familiar notes ring out. Ben looks towards the television as another pop song begins, ignoring whatever Callum is saying in favour of leaping up from the sofa.  
  
“I love this song!” he shouts excitedly.  
  
He starts to dance around the room to the beat, pausing when Callum says, “You like Shania Twain?” And no, Ben can’t be having that!  
  
He points at Callum, daring him to say something, can see the judgement in his eyes. “This song is a classic!” he defends. “Don’t you dare say anything bad or me and you are going to fall out!”  
  
Callum’s lips press together as he tries to contain his smile but Ben is going to enjoy this despite any teasing that may come his way.  
  
“ _Gonna let it all hang o-o-out!_ ” Ben sings, joining in with the song as he closes his eyes and puts on a dramatic performance. He lives for this. Loves dancing and singing – doesn’t care who is watching. It doesn’t matter whether he’s in a club, music vibrating around him, or whether he’s in The Vic and singing on the karaoke, or whether he’s in his own home listening to his own music or that from the radio. If music is playing, more often than not he’ll engage with it.  
  
It wasn’t always like that. He enjoyed dancing and singing as a child, back when he was oblivious to people’s comments and judgements. Only as he had got older, he’d quickly learned that dancing and singing were ‘gay’ things. At least they were where his family and the boys at school were concerned. He stopped for a long time after that, fighting the urge to sing along to music in the car or get up and dance when he heard a song he liked.  
  
When he got old enough to go out drinking, it was impossible not to dance when he was in a club. Everyone else was doing it, men and women alike and he realised that despite what he’d learned, there was nothing gay about those things after all.  
  
After that he’d embraced it all: the music, the dancing, the singing, _himself_. And it was like being free. It was like being alive.  
  
He feels like that now – alive. The music plays on in the background and he grabs the remote, turning up the volume and jumping onto the sofa, vaguely aware of Callum’s eyes on him from where he’s still sitting.  
  
Ben lifts the remote, holding it as though it’s a microphone as he sings, “ _The best thing about being a woman, is the perogative to have_ a _little fun...._ ” He throws himself into, doesn’t know where he’s found the energy from, but it’s the happiest he’s felt in days.  
  
His mood must be contagious because Callum is watching him, wide smile on his face and it’s blinding. Ben can’t help the giggle that escapes from his throat and he jumps back down to the floor, reaching out a hand for Callum.  
  
“Oh, no, no, no!” Callum shakes his head but he’s grinning.  
  
“Come on! Dance with me!”  
  
There’s hesitation in Callum’s eye which seems pointless because they both know he’s going to give in.  
  
“Please!” Ben adds for good measure. “It’s only like us being on a night out!”  
  
“Yeah, after I’ve had a few drinks!” Callum laughs.  
  
“Oh Callum, lose some of those inhibitions will you and get up and dance with me!”  
  
Callum rolls his eyes, smiling as he drawls out a “Fine!” and grabs Ben’s hand. Ben pulls him up, moving them to the centre of the room as they dance to the rest of the song.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They’re still dancing well over an hour later. Ben doesn’t know how neither of them have collapsed but he reckons the several bottles of beer they’ve both drank in that time have something to do with it.  
  
It’s dark outside, the curtains are drawn, the small lamp in the corner of the room has now been switched on and the music channel continues to play, though Ben has made a point to flick through different ones each time a song that he has deemed either terrible or depressing has come on. In here, in this living room, right now, it feels like he and Callum are the only two people in the world. It’s easy to forget that there are billions of other lives going on beyond these four walls.  
  
Ben swirls his hips boldly to the rhythm of the music, letting the rest of his body follow the movement.  
  
"What _is_ that?" Callum exclaims as he lets out a loud laugh.  
  
“What’s what?”  
  
Callum points to where Ben is still swirling his hips. “That!”  
  
"It's my signature dance move," he replies as if it's obvious because really it should be.  
  
"Your _what_?"  
  
"Mate, where have you been? I do this every time we go out."  
  
"I've never noticed,” Callum laughs. "You look ridiculous!”  
  
"Hey! This is exactly what the men of London want: a bit of sex appeal!"  
  
Callum’s laughing even harder now and struggles to get his words out. "You think _that_ is sexy?"  
  
Ben would be offended but it’s hard when all he wants to do is laugh along with Callum’s teasing of him. "Yeah, you just sway your hips a bit like this," Ben demonstrates, "add a bit of a thrust - "  
  
Callum cuts him off by grabbing hold of him, using him as a support as he continues to laugh. “It’s not that funny!” Ben says, letting out a chuckle of his own.  
  
"Please let me record you doing that," Callum laughs, breathily, standing straight again and letting go of him to reach over to the sofa for his phone.  
  
"What, so you can bully me every time you watch it?" Ben smirks. "No chance!"  
  
“Well at least let’s take a picture,” Callum demands, holding up the phone in front of him and coming to stand by Ben.  
  
Ben grins before pulling a funny face as Callum takes the shot. Once the photo has taken, Callum shows it to Ben to make sure it meets his approval. He nods; it’s a good picture of the two of them.  
  
“You better send that to me,” Ben says.  
  
Callum presses at his phone, smiling to himself and after a moment Ben’s phone pings from where he’s left it across the room. “Sent! Now, every time I look at this it’ll remind me of you and that silly dancing.”  
  
“You can’t talk!” he responds, grabbing at Callum’s phone and tossing it in the direction of the sofa where it lands on a cushion. “You’ve got two left feet and absolutely no rhythm at all!”  
  
“Why do you think I only dance after I’ve had a few?”  
  
“Okay, look, I’ll show you. It goes like this.” Ben starts to swirl his hips again, making sure he keeps to the rhythm of the music playing in the background. “You’ve just got to swing your hips like this.”  
  
Callum watches him for a moment before attempting it himself and Ben let’s out a giggle at the sight.  
  
“Alright! Shut up!” Callum scolds, pushing at Ben’s shoulder lightly.  
  
“No, look,” he says, going to stand behind Callum. He is anything but a quitter and he’s determined he’s going to teach Callum something tonight.  
  
Ben puts his hands on Callum’s hips, keeping him in place so Callum’s back is turned to him. Pulling Callum’s body flush against his, he moves his hips again in an attempt to demonstrate and tries to move Callum’s hips along with him. Callum stills beneath his hands and Ben let’s out a sigh. “Callum, you’ve got to loosen up a bit. You’re too stiff!”  
  
He rolls his hips again and tries to move Callum along with him but it’s no use, the taller man barely budges. Hands come up to lie on top of Ben’s and Callum starts turning to face him. Ben is about to let go but Callum’s hands keep his in place, adding slight pressure.  
  
“What’s the matter?” Ben begins, feeling confused all of a sudden.  
  
It’s then that he sees Callum’s face. There’s a darkness in the eyes staring back at him, similar to the night they had played Twister, and Ben’s breath hitches as he looks into them. The air around them changes, it feels thick now, and he’s stunned into silence as he tries to figure out what’s going on. He knows what it _feels_ like, recognises the heat on the face in front of his, but instead of coming from any other man he’s been in this situation with, it’s coming from _Callum_. And that can’t be because that wouldn’t make sense.  
  
He feels a hardness against his thigh and his heart stammers in his chest. He looks down at Callum’s lips before snapping his eyes away because _no!_ Whatever this feels like, whatever it is, it’s not possible.  
  
Suddenly Callum’s eyes widen and he scrambles backwards, pushing Ben’s hands off his hips and leaving them grasping onto thin air.  
  
“Callum,” Ben says after a moment, the word barely there.  
  
“I-I’m sorry,” Callum responds. “I’m sorry.” It comes out as a whisper now and he looks down to the ground.  
  
Ben watches him, feeling like his head is telling him a million different things, none that are coherent in any way. The only thing that makes sense in all of this is to reach him and Callum is too far away. He steps forward and closes the gap between them. It’s only when he puts a hand on Callum’s cheek that his friend finally looks up at him again.  
  
He continues to watch, waiting on Callum to help him understand what’s going on.  
  
Slowly, Callum moves towards him and before Ben can process what’s happening he feels warm lips meet his and _oh_ …….that’s unexpected. Callum’s lips are gentle and soft against his own and Ben let’s himself be kissed, too surprised to respond.  
  
It’s fleeting and when their lips part, Ben can’t bring himself to open his eyes, scared that if he does Callum won’t be there and this will all turn out to be just another one of his dreams.  
  
Time seems to stand still. He’s vaguely aware of the television still playing music but it’s like everything has been drowned out and instead all he can think is _Callum_.  
  
He slowly opens his eyes to find that the man who owns the name running through his mind is still standing in front of him. Callum is looking at him, eyes flicking across his face rapidly as though in search of something.  
  
And then he’s moving back in, pressing his lips against Ben’s again and Ben can’t help it, can’t stop him and say, ‘Wait, what’s going on here?’ All he can do is go with it because regardless of how little it makes sense, this is everything he’s ever wanted. So he kisses back, gripping onto Callum to bring him closer.  
  
Somehow they make their way to the sofa, Callum increasing the pressure of his lips against Ben’s, begging for entry. And who is Ben to deny him? He opens his mouth a little, allowing Callum’s tongue to find its way in. Ben follows Callum, unable to detach himself as Callum’s legs give way from beneath him. He climbs into Callum’s lap, pressing his body as close as he can. He feels fingers come to rest on the belt of his jeans and tears his mouth away to watch as Callum undoes it and pulls it aside, before dragging the zip down with shaking hands.  
  
Ben puts a hand over Callum’s, effectively stopping him from moving further. He looks at Callum, making sure that he wants this. There’s trepidation in Callum’s eyes but it’s nothing compared to the lust he sees beyond them.  
  
“Please,” Callum whispers.  
  
He bites at his lip, giving Callum the chance to change his mind but Callum continues looking at him desperately. Ben reaches forward for Callum’s jeans, glancing back at him briefly before pulling at the zip and managing to get a hand inside.  
  
Callum let’s out a loud groan as Ben’s fingers come to graze against the hardness of his cock. A smile tugs at Ben’s lips as he watches Callum’s reaction and he repositions himself to allow better access. He wraps his fingers around Callum and strokes swiftly, moving his thumb over the head of Callum’s cock where precum has already started to build up.  
  
Callum moans again, throwing his head back to rest against the sofa. Ben watches him as he continues stroking the man’s cock. His cheeks are rosy, there’s sweat beginning to build up on his forehead and Ben thinks it’s the most glorious thing he’s ever seen.  
  
After a moment, Callum raises his head to look at Ben again and reaches towards Ben’s jeans, the open zip having been forgotten about. He pulls at the top of the denim and Ben lifts himself from Callum’s lap slightly, his hands pausing on the cock he’s quickly becoming familiar with as he allows Callum to pull down his jeans and boxers far enough to release his own.  
  
What Ben discovers is that it doesn’t matter how many times he’s dreamed of this moment in vivid detail because nothing can prepare him for the feeling of Callum’s hand wrapping around him. He gasps sharply, falling forward into the space between Callum’s neck and shoulder. He presses his face into the soft skin he finds there and tries to get his brain to function enough so that he can continue the job that is quite literally in hand.  
  
Hesitant fingers press against his cock as Callum moves a hand up and down Ben’s length experimentally. Ben starts to move his own hand over Callum once more despite the restriction. He wants to pull at Callum’s jeans just as Callum had for him, wants to memorise the way his cock looks in his hand. But he daren’t push, wanting only to take the other man’s lead on this. So he continues swiping at Callum’s cock, alternating in pressure and pace until he finds what works for Callum, what’s good.  
  
And Callum follows him, copying Ben’s actions as best he can. Even if Ben didn’t already know, it’s clear to him that Callum is in unfamiliar territory. He is in no way an expert and yet despite his uncertainty, Ben feels sure he’s never felt anything quite like this.  
  
His heart continues to beat rapidly in his chest and everything feels too hot, the nerve endings of his skin alight with flames. He feels Callum’s warm breath at his own neck and brings his other hand up to gently brush at the hair on his head. Callum sighs softly and Ben tries to memorise all of this, tries to etch every detail of it in his mind.  
  
Ben moves out from Callum’s shoulder and leans his forehead on Callum’s. He opens his eyes to see Callum focused, concentration evident on his face as his hand increases its pace. Ben matches the tempo and Callum’s eyes squeeze shut tightly. He kisses him and Callum kisses back hard, bringing a hand up to Ben’s head to keep him in place. They kiss and they kiss and they kiss until there’s no more air and Ben has to break away to catch his breath.  
  
“I….” Callum starts. “Ben, I – "  
  
Ben nods a little, pressing his forehead against Callum’s again. He twists his wrist once, twice more and then Callum is cumming in his hand, letting out small moans and whines as he does. The sight and the sounds are better than any dream his mind could ever have made up and it’s enough to push Ben over the edge, white strips erupting from him, splashing at his t-shirt and covering Callum’s hand.  
  
They breathe heavily against each other for a moment, foreheads still pressed together as they gasp for air. Ben brings his hand out from Callum’s jeans, wiping it on his own cum-stained t-shirt. Callum is still holding onto Ben’s now softening cock, staring down at it, and when it’s clear he’s not going to move, Ben reluctantly takes his hand, feeling the cool air touch his skin as he does, and pulls at the t-shirt again to clean Callum’s hand and fingers as best he can.  
  
Ben feels Callum’s focus on him, or more specifically, sees the way Callum is focused on Ben’s gentle hold of his hand. After a moment, Ben places the hand back onto Callum’s lap and let’s go. He swings a leg across Callum’s body and pull up his boxers and jeans before coming to rest beside him on the sofa.  
  
He leans his head back against it, stares up at the ceiling and thinks _what the hell just happened?  
_  
The music on the television continues to play and how did he not realise the volume was so loud? He reaches for the remote, pressing the off button and watches as the screen goes black. He places it back down on the arm of the sofa and then turns his face to look at Callum.  
  
Callum is quiet beside him; too quiet. He’s still staring down at his hand in his lap and it scares Ben. He wants to say something, wants to figure out what Callum is thinking, but he’s still struggling with what’s just happened himself.  
  
Callum must feel his watchful gaze because he leans forward suddenly. “I should…..I should go get cleaned up,” he says quietly, eyes still lowered.  
  
He takes a moment and then stands, moving over towards the doorway. His movements are sluggish and Ben watches as he takes hold of the handle to open the door. He looks up then, eyes connecting with Ben’s own and Ben realises this is the first time Callum has looked at him since this was all over.  
  
Ben waits, praying Callum will say _something_.  
  
It may be seconds, it may be minutes, but eventually Callum speaks.  
  
“Right. Yeah,” he says, as though remembering what he was doing. They’re not the words Ben was wanting nor did they tell him anything about what’s going on in Callum’s head or what he’s feeling.  
  
Callum doesn’t leave room for Ben to ask those questions, not that Ben is sure he even would have, because suddenly Callum is walking through the doorway and pulling it closed behind him.  
  
The room falls silent and Ben is left on his own.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who left kudos or comments on the last chapter. I am so overwhelmed by the reaction to it and can’t begin to tell you just how much it means to me. I wasn't expecting it at all but it is so encouraging to know this story is being enjoyed and keeps me motivated when I am writing. So thank you so, so much to you all.
> 
> I feel I must warn you that this chapter is mostly Ben’s inner monologue and as a result of that there isn’t a lot of interaction. I did consider tying this chapter with the next one but not only would that have meant a chapter double the usual size, but I feel it would have affected the pacing of the story too much. So while this one doesn’t exactly propel the story forward, it does feel necessary in the build up for what’s to come. 
> 
> I really hope this isn’t too much of a let down for anyone. 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe.

**Chapter Six**

  
  
  
Ben had continued to sit on the sofa, staring into the silence and trying to figure out what his night had turned into for longer than he cares to admit. When it had become clear that Callum wasn’t going to return, he lifted himself to stand, picking up the empty bottles of beer from around the room and trudging to the kitchen to throw them into the recycle.

He’d eventually gone upstairs with the intention of finding Callum but once he’d reached the door of his spare bedroom, the bedroom that was currently being used by Callum, he’d stopped. Ben had reached out to knock on the door but had frozen, no clue as to what he should say and fearing what Callum might say back.

So he’d paused, listening carefully outside the doorway for any kind of noise. The room beyond seemed to be in silence and after closing his eyes to deliberate over what to do, Ben had decided the best thing right now would be to go to bed. After all, things always look different in the morning, don’t they?

_What a load of bollocks_ , Ben thinks to himself as he lies in bed staring up at the ceiling. He’s been awake for most of the night, dropping off occasionally into the kind of sleep where you wake up unsure of whether you’ve actually been sleeping or not.

It’s light outside now but even though his curtains are closed, Ben can tell just by looking at them that there’s no sunshine outside.

Well, it’s morning, and things aren’t looking any different. Or better. Or any other stupid phrases that people offer as a half-arsed attempt at encouragement.

He’s in a foul mood and he knows it. Last night he hooked up with a guy he has spent three years drooling over. He’s spent years yearning for that boy and for a brief moment in time he had him. But it hadn’t turned out anything like it always does in his dreams. Instead Callum had barely spoken two words to him before making a disappearing act as if he couldn’t bear to be around Ben any longer.  
  
He tastes bile in the back of his throat as the annoying voice in his head reminds him that this isn’t a dream. This is reality, and in reality having a kind, sweet-natured boy with a big heart reciprocate your feelings is just something that would never happen to someone like him.  
  
His stomach churns and his head pulsates and Ben doesn’t know whether the latter is due to a lack of sleep or the alcohol he consumed last night. He groans to himself, rubbing a hand across his face. This is why he should have been staying away from alcohol. Being confined in a house with the best friend you’re in love with and mixing that with copious amounts of beer was never going to end well.  
  
It’s something he can add to his steadily growing list of terrible ideas.  
  
He hears the sound of the bedroom door across the hall opening followed by the padding of feet.  
  
Callum.  
  
Ben closes his eyes as a new wave hits him:-  
  
He and Callum kissed last night.  
  
He and Callum had given each other somewhat messy handjobs. They had sex, at least by his definitions.  
  
He did this with his _best friend_.  
  
He did this with _Callum_.  
  
The reality of it keeps hitting him because apparently the world feels that the first time wasn’t enough. Each time it hits him is like the first though, like parts of his brain still haven’t accepted that this is real. This happened.  
  
It’s _Callum!_  
  
There’s something new this time though, something he brain hasn’t yet allowed him to think about until now:-  
  
Callum made the first move.  
  
Callum had wanted it just as much as Ben had.  
  
But why?  
  
Ben knows why he himself did it. Alcohol or not, having Callum in that way was something he never thought would ever happen, instead expecting to live a life time living vicariously through his dreams and imagination. So when Callum had kissed him so urgently there was no chance Ben could ever have resisted. He is, after all, only human.  
  
But Callum, last time Ben checked, was most definitely straight and in a relationship with a beautiful girl who he loved.  
  
(Or perhaps likes if their conversation from the other day is anything to go by. Loves. Likes. Whatever. Does that even matter right now?)  
  
So Callum has a girlfriend whom he really likes, probably loves, and it’s true they haven’t seen each other in weeks and that Callum is perhaps missing some intimacy, but that still doesn’t explain why he had gotten hard when they’d danced. Or why he had kissed Ben. Or why he had been the one to take it further.  
  
He hears the back door opening downstairs and imagines Callum sitting himself down to feed a small grey rodent with a bushy tail. Ben rolls his eyes at the thought and shakes his head. He considers going downstairs right now and confronting Callum but he still has no idea what he would say.  
  
He’ll have to face him eventually. He can’t exactly hide up here all day.  
  
His stomach churns at every possible alternative.  
  
Maybe just a little longer.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben isn’t sure what he had expected when he eventually made his way down the stairs. Maybe for Callum to disappear out of sight the moment Ben stepped into the room, maybe for him to stumble over his words as he tried to start a conversation surrounding the events of the night before. Maybe neither of those things. But what Ben doesn’t expect is for Callum to look up at him as he enters the kitchen, smile at him happily, before issuing him with a bright, “Morning!”  
  
“Morning,” Ben responds a little quizzically.  
  
“I wanted to do French toast this morning but we don’t have any bread. I’ll pop out to the shop later. Cereal do you?”  
  
Ben watches as Callum pulls a cereal box from the cupboard, putting it on the unit alongside a bowl. “Uh, yeah, fine.”  
  
“Grab the milk will you?” Callum asks. “Coffee’s on the side by the way. I’ve eaten already. I would’ve waited but, well it’s only cereal ain’t it?”  
  
He does as Callum asks, moving over to the fridge to get the milk as Callum pours cereal into the bowl.  
  
This is awkward. Ben had known it would be but Callum not giving it any acknowledgement at all makes him feel like he’s walking on egg shells. He’s half expecting an elephant to come out from under the table at any minute.  
  
Callum takes the milk from him, pouring it over the cereal before sticking a spoon in the bowl and putting it on the table. “There you go,” he says before heading towards the door.  
  
“Where are you going?” Ben asks. It comes out sounding panicked and he mentally berates himself.  
  
“I don’t know about you, but I’m planning on getting dressed at some point today,” Callum chuckles. He turns again, heading towards the hallway, and Ben feels the panic rise inside him.  
  
“Callum!”  
  
Callum stops short, pausing for a moment before turning to face Ben. They look at one another and Ben gets a flashback to the night before, Callum’s eyes piercing into his before he’d left the room, never to return.  
  
Silence drags out between them before Callum raises his eyebrows. “Yeah?”  
  
“We need to….” Ben starts, struggling to find the words. “Last night – "  
  
“It shouldn’t have happened,” Callum says nonchalantly. “As far as I’m concerned, nothing did. It was just a silly mistake after too much booze. Let’s just forget it yeah?”  
  
“Too much booze?”  
  
“Yeah, it happens. And you know, we’re stuck in isolation together, we’re comfortable with each other…..just a silly mistake.” Callum smiles at him, and by all accounts it seems genuine on his part. When Ben doesn’t respond Callum adds, “So we move on and forget all about this yeah?”  
  
He looks at Callum and although it hurts what he’s saying, Ben knows he’s right. If they’re to stop their friendship from being affected by this then they have to move on and try to forget about it. Ben knows how this goes. He’s more than familiar with casual sex so this should be just like any other time. But this is Callum.  
  
Still, he schools his face, forcing on a smile and nodding his head. “Yeah! Yeah, definitely! Shouldn’t have happened.”  
  
Callum seems satisfied with that, sending another smile his way before leaving the room. “Don’t let your coffee go cold!” he shouts back as he makes his way down the hallway.  
  
Ben feels his stomach churn. As if coffee is going to make a difference right now. He looks over at the bowl of cereal sitting where Callum had left it. His stomach churns again and he picks it up, emptying the contents into the bin, and tossing the bowl into the sink.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum goes out to the shop later that morning and Ben decides to take sanctuary in his room before Callum returns. It’s not that he’s avoiding Callum per se, it’s just that he’s not quite sure what he’s supposed to do now. He’s barely been able to get his head around what happened and figure out how he feels about it, and now there’s Callum’s response to add to it, something which he hadn’t seen coming and something that feels somewhat wrong.  
  
He loves the friendship he has with Callum. The thought that this could change it is unbearable. The right thing to do would be to face him, pretend like everything is fine as Callum seems to think it is, and hope that eventually he himself will start believing it.  
  
The only trouble is, when it comes to Callum, he doesn’t know how to put on a brave face. Sure, he’s been able to hide his feelings from him for long enough, and usually he’s an expert on putting on a front and saying or doing the things people expect him to. But last night opened some kind of dam and now the water is gushing through and Ben can’t close the floodgates. He has no idea how he’s supposed to pretend like this never happened.  
  
He spends much of the afternoon in bed. Lunch time comes and goes but when Callum doesn’t come to find him, Ben decides it’s probably for the best. He hears Callum pottering around downstairs not long afterwards. It frustrates him how blasé he’s being about it all.  
  
What is it he’d said? “Too much booze. It happens.”  
  
Only is doesn’t just happen, not for Callum it doesn’t. It was only a few nights ago that he’d been telling Ben that he didn’t understand the point of casual and that when he had sex with someone it had to mean something. So what was last night? If last night meant something to Callum then he’s lying about it to Ben’s face now. If last night meant nothing, then Callum lied to Ben’s face all those evenings ago. So which one is it? Neither answer is appealing.  
  
What else had Callum said? Isolation. Yes, that was it. He’d said it had happened because they were stuck in isolation with each other and Ben doesn’t know which part of that to be more hurt by; the part where he had made it sound like he’d rather be anywhere else but here, or the part where he basically said that Ben was the only option available to him.  
  
Both hurt. Ben spares a thought for Whitney. Poor girl. Her boyfriend has just cheated on her and Callum doesn’t seem in the least bit remorseful.  
  
Ben picks up his phone from the end of the bed, opens up his browser and types in ‘How to get over someone who is being a prick.’  
  
Before the search results have chance to appear, Ben closes down the browser and sighs to himself. Callum isn’t a prick. He’s not making any sense right now and he is behaving like an uncaring bastard, but he isn’t a prick. He’s not a bastard either. The Callum he loves is sweet and kind and incredibly caring. He’d never do something like this and then be so flippant about it in the aftermath.  
  
He’d said it happened because they were drunk and Ben was there, but Ben knows that if Whitney were here in Callum’s place, or hell, even Lola, Ben wouldn’t have sex with either of them after a few too many beers. He’s gay and not even lockdown would make him desperate enough to sleep with a woman. And yet Callum had been more than willing to kiss him, pull Ben onto his lap and allow them to go as far as they had. Callum who has a girlfriend and who claims to be straight.  
  
Ben isn’t about to tell Callum that he’s anything but. Labels aren’t important and never have been. Callum can be whoever or whatever he wants. But it would be nice if Ben had some idea of what that was.  
  
He recalls the first time he was ever intimate with a guy. He had known for a long time that he was attracted to boys. There was one particular boy in his class at school who he’d been unable to take his eyes off. He was gorgeous – dark hair, green eyes, and very tall. Liam had been one of the popular kids and as such hadn’t noticed Ben at all. But that hadn’t stopped Ben from quietly watching him from afar or trying to get a quick peek of him as they’d changed for P.E lessons.  
  
It soon became clear that Liam wasn’t the only boy he was attracted to but he’d been terrified of admitting that to anyone and had tried to pretend for a long time that it was just a phase. He’d always known it wasn’t. He had hoped and prayed so much that it was, that one day he’d wake up and he’d be _normal_ , but he always knew deep down that this was who he was. It had taken years to come to terms with the knowledge that he was gay, and even longer to accept that there wasn’t anything wrong with it, that there wasn’t anything wrong with _him_.  
  
But the first time he was ever intimate with a guy was still terrifying for him. Ben had been luckier than most. He’d found someone who liked him, really liked him, and that first time was like a piece of a puzzle falling into place. Everything had felt right.  
  
It’s not like that for everyone though, Ben knows that. Not everyone comes out of that first experience feeling settled and happy and like everything is right with the world. And Callum is acting like he’s fine, saying they should forget it ever happened and move on, but what if he’s in shock? What if he doesn’t know what happened or why? What if he has a million and one questions plaguing his mind right now? Because Ben certainly does and he’s the one with the experience when it comes to this.  
  
So what about Callum? What if this morning had all been some way of convincing himself that everything was okay? What if he thinks if they move on from it then it really will be like nothing ever happened?  
  
There’s too many what if’s. Ben sits up suddenly and scrambles off the bed. He has to make sure just one more time that Callum is definitely okay.  
  
As he reaches the bottom of the stairs, Ben notices Callum’s trainers are missing. He pokes his head around the living room door only to find the room empty. Next he tries the kitchen and it’s only when he gets there that he sees the sticky note on the fridge. He moves over to it, pulling it off to read Callum’s handwriting.  
  
 _Gone for a run. Be back for tea x_  
  
Ben hadn’t even heard him go out. Has he been so selfishly wrapped up in his own thoughts that he hadn’t heard Callum leave the house? He looks at the clock, wondering how long Callum has been gone for and tries not to read too much into the kiss on the end of Callum’s note.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So whereabouts did you run to?”  
  
“Nowhere really,” Callum shrugs. “Just ran a few laps round the park.”  
  
Ben nods, scooping up the last of his pasta onto his fork and putting it into his mouth as an excuse to not reply straight away. The meal has been a struggle. Ben had made pasta because Callum likes it so much and even though it’s not Callum’s famous chicken pasta, Ben hoped he would enjoy it anyway.  
  
They’ve made polite conversation with each other since Callum returned from the park. Ben has tried to see beyond his friend’s smile to determine whether it’s simply a cover up he’s putting on, but it’s been difficult because Callum has barely looked his way and unlike this morning when he had been unable to stop talking, now he’s just so very quiet, only responding when Ben asks him a question.  
  
Ben has even resorted to asking Callum about the weather, even though he can see just by looking through the window just how warm it is outside despite the setting sun. Apparently, this is who they are now; two friends who talk about the weather.  
  
He wants to ask Callum if this is what it’s always going to be like, wants to ask how he’s supposed to move on, wants to ask how Callum can act as though it never happened. He wants to ask Callum if he really is okay, though he’s not sure he would like any answer Callum would give.  
  
And how is he meant to ask when Callum has barely given it a second thought, at least on the surface anyway?  
  
So instead, he sticks to mundane chat. “Fancy watching Merlin tonight? I know you’ve been wanting to watch it for a while.”  
  
“Uh, think I’ll give it a miss,” Callum responds, looking down at his plate. “I’m just going to get an early night I think. That run must have worn me out.”  
  
Ben nods and tries to smile, watching the way Callum moves his fork absentmindedly over the pasta. If anyone was to see them now they would think Ben and Callum were two strangers, forced to endure a meal together. Ben watches before looking back down at his own plate. He wonders how they will ever come back from this. Hopes that tomorrow will be easier than today had been.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much again for everyone who read, left kudos or commented on the last chapter. I was worried about posting that one given it was focussed entirely on Ben's thoughts. Any and all feedback is so encouraging so thank you!
> 
> As ever, enjoy and stay safe.

**Chapter Seven**

  
  
  
It’s Day 437 of lockdown (or at least that’s what it feels like to Ben even if the news say differently), and Day 2 of this new, awkward friendship he has with Callum.  
  
Yesterday, Ben had spent much of the day in his room avoiding Callum so he knows he can’t be mad that Callum is doing the same today. But he’s nothing if not a hypocrite and Callum going out of his way to avoid Ben at all costs is already really starting to rile him up.

Ben has never taken kindly to people he loves staying away from him. He’ll push and he’ll push and he’ll push but the moment it looks like the other person is leaving, he panics, freaks out, and does everything he can to get them back. He’s the same when it comes to people ignoring him. He can give it out but he can’t take it and when someone purposely ignores him it strums so much on his insecurities that he becomes like a pressure cooker just waiting to explode.

Today, Ben feels that pressure inside of him building. With each new thing that Callum does, or in some cases doesn’t do, Ben feels his irritation slowly mounting, getting higher and higher and higher.

It started at breakfast. Once again, Callum had already eaten when Ben had surfaced, despite Ben purposely getting up earlier than usual. Callum had been on his way out of the door and when Ben had asked where he was going, Callum had given the excuse of going for a run.

“But you went for a run yesterday afternoon,” Ben had said.

Callum’s eyebrows had knitted together. “I’m going for another one. That alright?”

And what could Ben say to that? Callum had every right to do what he wanted.

When Callum had returned he’d immediately gone for a shower and then spent the next hour talking on the phone to his brother, Stuart.  
  
By the time it got near to dinner time, Callum had told Ben he needn’t cook for him tonight, he was just going to have a salad. Ben had wanted to protest. He had wanted to tell Callum that he couldn’t survive on salad alone when he knew for a fact that Callum had skipped lunch earlier on that day. He had wanted to say a lot of things but instead he had bitten his tongue and quietly seethed, feeling the mounting heat curling up inside him.  
  
Now, from his place on the sofa, Ben can hear Callum chopping salad in the kitchen. Every time the knife comes into contact with the chopping board, Ben feels his annoyance grow. He wants to escape but there’s nowhere to escape to. He wants to go back to two nights ago before everything changed. He wants this constant unsettling feeling to go away.  
  
“Ben?”  
  
Ben looks up from where he’s seated on the sofa to see Callum standing in the doorway. It reminds him of that night when they had been in exactly the same position, Callum standing by the door, Ben on the sofa, both of them dazed and confused.  
  
He closes his eyes momentarily, trying to rid himself of the thought, before looking back at Callum.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I’ve made you some salad up if you want it?”  
  
It’s so little. All Callum has done is put a salad together for him. But in that moment, Ben feels like he’s being offered the crown jewels.  
  
“Yeah,” he nods as a light wave of relief washes over him. “Yeah, I’d love some salad.”  
  
Callum smiles a little and nods before leaving the room again. It’s nothing much but Ben will take what he can get right now.  
  
He stands and follows Callum into the kitchen. There’s two plates on the kitchen unit and Callum picks one up, passing it to Ben. Ben smiles at him and takes it over to the table. He’s just sat down when he sees Callum heading towards the door, his own plate in hand.  
  
“Where you going?” Ben questions. Bloody hell, it feels like that’s all he’s asking these days.  
  
Callum pauses, turning slightly to face Ben. There’s guilt on his face, as if he’s been caught out. “Oh, I’m uh, I’m just in the middle of some stuff upstairs. Thought I’d eat this in my room if that’s okay?”  
  
Ben has always said Callum is welcome to eat wherever he likes. He’d caught him downstairs late at night during the first week, munching his way through a slice of toast. When Ben had asked what he was doing, Callum had apologised and said he was hungry. Ben had laughed, telling him he didn’t have to sit down in the freezing cold kitchen and ordered Callum to take the toast back to bed with him.  
  
For as long as lockdown is in place, this house is as much his home as it is Callum’s, so it’s not _where_ Callum is going to that bothers him, but _why_.  
  
Callum is looking at him waiting for an answer. He should say, “Yes, that’s fine,” and continue to bite his tongue. That’s what he should do. Instead, he feels his jaw stiffen, his teeth grinding together as his fingers clench into a fist at his side. He’s had _enough_.  
  
“We’re in the middle of a lockdown, Callum. What is it that you could possibly have to do?” It’s his attempt at being calm but the look on Callum’s face tells him he’s heard the irritation that has seeped through Ben’s tone.  
  
“I, uh….” Callum stutters.  
  
“Well, come on, I’m all ears. What’s keeping you so busy?”  
  
“Ben – "  
  
“You can’t avoid me all day Callum. And what about tomorrow? Or the day after that? We can’t carry on like this, pretending everything is fine when it’s not.”  
  
“I’m not talking to you about this,” Callum says as he turns to leave the room.  
  
And it’s then that he snaps. He’s been like a rubber band pulled taut all day and now he has no give left. He stands abruptly, the chair legs scraping backwards loudly.  
  
“Well I am!” Ben says, a little louder than intended. It’s enough to get Callum’s attention who turns back to him, eyes wide, the plate of salad still in hand. “We can’t keep ignoring this Callum! It’s getting us nowhere!”  
  
Callum slams the plate down onto the counter so hard Ben’s surprised that it doesn’t smash. But not half as surprised as he is to see the anger flooding over Callum’s face.  
  
“Why do you even care Ben, eh? This is what you do ain’t it? Random hook up’s with whoever you like! So why can’t you just forget about it?”  
  
Ben is startled for a moment. Now that they’re actually talking about it he’s lost for words. “Because….Just because I’m used to a casual hook up once in a while doesn’t mean you are. You don’t do things like that.”  
  
“Once in a while?” Callum scoffs, obviously choosing to ignore the main part of what Ben had said.  
  
“Look Callum, this lockdown is going to be hell for both of us if we carry on like this.”  
  
“Which is why I’m trying to move on!”  
  
“What, and barely saying two words to me is moving on is it? Avoiding me like, l-like I’ve suddenly got the virus is moving on?”  
  
He’s angry now, angrier than he’s ever been towards Callum. They have never argued before, not seriously like this. Sure, there’s been plenty of times when Ben has been in a bad mood and taken it out on Callum but they’ve always made up afterwards once Callum has calmed him down enough to get to the root of the problem.  
  
But this is different. Now the reason for his bad mood _is_ Callum and he can’t contain it anymore.  
  
“So what was yesterday?” Callum accuses. “You weren’t avoiding me, no?”  
  
“Only because I was trying to get my head around what happened!”  
  
“This ain’t just about you Ben!”  
  
Ben stamps his foot petulantly. “I know it’s not!”  
  
“Do you Ben? Do you have any idea? It’s your fault we’re in this mess!”  
  
“Me?!” he screeches. “How is this my fault?!”  
  
Callum’s face looks thunderous. “Because you made the first move Ben!” he bellows. “It was all you! That’s why it’s all your fault! That’s why!”  
  
Callum drags his plate from the kitchen unit and Ben can only watch as he turns and storms out of the room, walking down the hallway and stomping up the stairs.  
  
Ben stares at the empty hallway. Callum doesn’t come back.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


If Ben were to look in a dictionary, the word ‘Bewildered’ would probably do a good job of summing up how he feels right now. ‘Confused’, ‘puzzled’, ‘disorientated’ – all good words. Of course, that would mean he would have to own a dictionary and he’s fairly certain he doesn’t.  
  
Words keeps spinning around his head. He’s come up with a particularly good one he thinks: snookered. His brain feels like the sound snooker balls make when they’re hit by the cue. Like when they’re all set up neatly at the start of a game only for the cue ball to strike, causing the neat triangle to break and the balls to go careering off in different directions.  
  
That’s how he feels right now.  
  
But the one word that is louder than all the others is ‘Fault’.  
  
He can hear it over and over and over again. _It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault. It’s all your fault_.  
  
He closes his eyes as the words get louder and louder. When he opens them again he finds that he’s still in the kitchen, plate of half eaten salad in front of him. He’s been picking at it on and off since Callum went upstairs and that feels like a life time ago. It’s dark outside now.  
  
Ben knows realistically that this isn’t his fault. He isn’t innocent in this, of course not. He could have demonstrated more self-restraint and stopped himself and Callum from going any further the moment they had reached the sofa. But Callum was there too. He could have stopped them. He could have changed his mind at any point and Ben would have stopped immediately.  
  
_He_ also hadn’t made the first move. Ben bites at his fingernails harshly. If there’s anything about their argument that angers him most, it’s that Callum had placed blame solely on him because “you made the first move.” Only Ben hadn’t. Callum had kissed him first, Callum had been the one to kiss him second too, and Ben refuses to be blamed for that. He may have wanted Callum for years, but he never would have gone there without any indication from Callum. Never.  
  
He feels fury rise inside him again and it takes all his willpower not to stand up from this table and go and have it out with Callum again. Instead, he breathes through it, gnawing at the skin on the tips of his fingers until they’re raw, waiting for his rage to pass.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s two hours later when Ben finds himself standing outside Callum’s bedroom door. He’s calmer now but it’s only really because of his stubborn nature that he’s going to try and fix things. Or at least try to patch them over and hide some of the cracks.  
  
There’s a mug of hot chocolate burning through the sore tips of his fingers. He looks down at it, collecting himself, before quietly knocking on the door.  
  
Silence.  
  
Ben sighs, considers walking away like he did the other night, but the heat scolding his hands is a reminder of why he’s here. This is his attempt at a peace offering.  
  
Slowly, Ben opens the door. The table lamp casts shadows across the room, the curtains are still open despite the late hour, and Callum is sitting on the edge of the bed, back turned. He doesn’t respond to the intrusion and Ben takes that as a sign of encouragement and closes the door behind him, stepping further into the room and steadily making his way over to the bed. There’s an empty plate on the floor at Callum’s feet, a sign that he’s at least managed to eat more than Ben had.  
  
“Made you this,” he says quietly. “Just the way you like it.”  
  
Callum looks up and it’s then that Ben sees he’s been crying. His eyes are red and puffy, his hair is dishevelled, and it breaks Ben’s heart.  
  
Callum reaches out to take the mug. Ben notices the way he looks at it, small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, before putting it down on top of the bedside drawers.  
  
Hot chocolate has always been Callum’s thing. He sets his standards high – prefers it to be made with milk instead of water, and he always has to make it look fancy. He adds whipped cream and marshmallows, or sometimes he’ll put colourful sprinkles on or dust cocoa onto the top. Where Ben can’t live without coffee, Callum can’t live without hot chocolate. Ben had never had much an affinity for the stuff until he had met Callum. Now, he can’t imagine his life without it either.  
  
After wavering for a moment, he moves Callum’s laptop that is laid at the side of him, creating room to perch beside Callum on the edge of the bed. He’s cautious to maintain enough distance between them so as not to send the other man fleeing.  
  
They sit quietly for a while. It’s tense, only the quiet whir of the laptop from behind them, but Ben is determined to be patient this time. It’s Callum that breaks the silence first.  
  
“I’m sorry for shouting at you.”  
  
“Me too,” Ben admits.  
  
They fall quiet again but there’s one thing that continues to plague Ben’s mind.  
  
“I wasn’t the one to make the first move Callum. I didn’t force you. Please tell me you don’t think that.”  
  
Callum shakes his head. “I don’t.” His eyes are lowered and Ben notices the way he’s fidgeting at the duvet, material being gently tugged between his thumb and forefinger. He’s nervous.  
  
“Why did you kiss me Callum?” He has to ask. Callum shrugs minutely, keeping his eyes downcast. Ben has never seen him look so small. “We were both in it together you know? It weren’t just one-sided.”  
  
“I know.” Callum draws himself in further and then he crumbles right before Ben’s eyes. “I know,” he cries. “There’s just all this stuff going round and round my head and I don’t know how to stop it! What we’ve done, what _I_ did, how I’ve cheated on Whitney just by doing it!”  
  
“Hey – “ Ben starts in an attempt to comfort him but Callum just shakes his head, shrinking into himself more as Ben tries to reach out and furiously wiping at his eyes.  
  
“And then there’s all this stuff with the virus and it’s getting worse and I’m so worried about everyone even though I’ve spoken to family and they’re all fine! And I miss Whitney and I just want her back here so things can go back to normal again! But I don’t have the right to miss her do I? Because I cheated on her!”  
  
He’s gasping for air now and Ben tries to reach out to him again.  
  
“I did that to her Ben!” Callum weeps. “It’s all my fault!”  
  
“Shh!” Ben whispers, pulling Callum towards him until the man is collapsing into him. “Hush. It’s all going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.”  
  
Ben has no idea if it is or even how it can be but it’s the only thing he can say right now. Any residual anger he had when he entered the room has gone now and all that’s left is an undeniable love for the boy who is sobbing into his chest.  
  
Callum stays in his arms for a long time. Ben feels like he should be doing more but he doesn’t know what. He’s never seen Callum like this before. Hell, he’s never even seen him cry. He wants to take every part of his pain away, every single thing that weighs heavily on his heart. He wants to make this better but he doesn’t know how. He has no answers for Callum or himself.  
  
Ben thinks about all that Callum has said and still struggles to understand what it going on in Callum’s mind. He knows Callum is worn down by lockdown and full of regret over _that_ night. Callum had said it was because of Whitney and Ben doesn’t doubt that it’s true but he has to wonder whether any of that regret and confusion stems from the fact that he had sex with another man for what he assumes was the first time.  
  
Ben doesn’t have the answers. So he does the only thing he can do and continues to hold Callum tightly, whispering nonsense words and stroking lightly at his hair.  
  
After some time has passed, Callum’s sits up slightly, taking his weight from Ben. He wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffs.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.  
  
“Don’t be.”  
  
Callum reaches for the hot chocolate. It must be lukewarm now but he takes a sip anyway and offers Ben a small smile in thanks.  
  
“You’re not on your own you know,” Ben says, turning his body towards Callum slightly. “All of this, lockdown, missing family, the other night, I’m feeling all of those things too. Just because I don’t show it often doesn’t mean I ain’t affected. You can talk to me. Any time. And about anything. Because you’re my best mate and…..” _And I love you_. “And I’m here,” he adds instead.  
  
Callum’s fingers run along the edge of the mug, tracing the rim absentmindedly. He glances up at Ben with watery eyes and nods.  
  
“Do you….” Ben starts, faltering for a moment as he considers how best to ask. “Do you regret what happened just because you cheated?” Callum looks back down at his hot chocolate and Ben steals himself for what he’s about to say next. “Do you regret it because it was with me? Or because it was with a man?”  
  
Callum continues to sit quietly beside him and Ben thinks he’s not going to get an answer. But then he’s shrugging and saying, “All of the above?”  
  
And okay. This is all Ben needs to know right now. Any other questions he has for Callum can wait because that one answer is enough for Ben to know that Callum is battling a war within himself and pushing further will only make it worse.  
  
He looks at his best friend and for the first time sees himself in him. Ben Mitchell from all those years ago. This isn’t a fight that Ben can take away, only one that he can stand by Callum’s side throughout as Callum learns how to navigate it and come out of the other side.  
  
“Okay,” he says. “That’s okay.”  
  
This sit quietly for a moment before Ben decides some light relief is needed. “Hey, do you want to maybe watch a film? I could do you hot chocolate again and you could actually drink it whilst it’s still hot this time?”  
  
Soft laughter breaks out of Callum and Ben thinks it’s the best thing he’s heard all day.  
  
“Actually,” Callum say, wiping at his eyes again. He turns to reach for the laptop and opens it to reveal the paused opening titles of Merlin.  
  
Ben gasps, feigning offence. “You were going to watch it without me?”  
  
Callum laughs again. “Well you’re here now aren’t you?”  
  
Their eyes connect as Ben picks up on the double meaning of the question. “Yeah. Yeah, I am.”  
  
They smile at each other and then Callum is moving to sit up against the headboard and motioning for Ben to join him. Ben clambers onto the bed, crawling to the opposite side and settles down next to Callum who wipes at his cheeks once more in an attempt to compose himself.  
  
“Try not to make fun of this please,” Callum says firmly. “Some of us actually want to watch it.”  
  
Ben smiles, remembering the conversation they’d had weeks ago when Callum had first suggested watching the series. He had made his thoughts quite clear – why would he want to watch “trash like that”? Callum had defended it saying that it wasn’t trash and that if Ben wasn’t going to watch it with him then he’d damn well watch it on his own. Eventually Ben had conceded and after watching the first couple of episodes, Ben had found that there were certain things about it that definitely held his interest.  
  
“I want to watch it!” he says now.  
  
“Ben, we both know the only reason you want to watch it is because of Bradley James.”  
  
“No!” Ben protests. “Well, maybe. But can you blame me? He is _fit_!”  
  
Callum smiles as he shakes his head, pressing play to start the episode. “Remember, no making fun or I’m kicking you out.”  
  
Ben laughs and settles back into the pillows. Maybe things will be okay in the end.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to everyone for reading, leaving kudos or posting a comment. I'm so glad this little story which derived from a silly idea I had is being enjoyed. 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Eight  
  
  
  
**

In his half-sleep state, Ben struggles to make out his surroundings. He can tell even with his eyes closed that it’s not fully daylight yet, and when he manages to peep his eyes open, he sees the way the room is covered in shades of grey. It takes a minute to get his bearings but when he does, he realises he’s in his spare bedroom. He tries to think back but his mind is foggy and tiredness clouds his memory and he allows his eyes to fall closed again.

He isn’t sure how long he lays there for. It’s possible he’s been dozing. When he opens his eyes again he tries to judge what time it is based on the lighting in the room and what he can hear, not wanting to move from his current position. He can hear birds tweeting outside and the bedroom is now a lighter shade of grey but he thinks it must still be early. Curiosity getting the better of him, he rolls over to look at the clock on the other side of the bed. It’s as he turns that he feels a warm body next to his and he forces his eyes open to see a sleeping Callum beside him.

The events of the previous night come back to him then. He and Callum had argued, Callum had broken down on him, they had watched Merlin together. Ben must have fallen asleep because he’s still in his clothes from yesterday. He’s grateful to his past self for choosing to wear jog pants instead of jeans. At least he’s comfy.

Callum looks comfy too. He’s sleeping on his front, arms tucked under the pillow beneath him. He looks peaceful and Ben takes a moment to properly take a mental picture that he can store away. He smiles as he watches the boy in front of him – he looks so young, as if all the cares of the world aren’t weighing him down. Up until yesterday, Ben would have said that Callum was the most carefree person he has ever met. He knows differently now.

He remembers the way Callum had crumpled against him, the way his tears had soaked through Ben’s t-shirt as Ben had tried to hold him together. It makes him want to cry too knowing the pain that Callum must be facing and knowing that there’s nothing he can do other than be here to offer a comforting hand or smile.

He shifts slightly to look at the clock which reads ‘7:32’. He sighs and goes to rest his head on the pillow again as Callum stirs from beside him. Ben looks at him as Callum’s eyes flutter open. He seems mildly surprised to see Ben there but then smiles softly. Ben can’t help but smile back.

“Morning,” Callum whispers.

“Morning.” He pauses. “Did I wake you?”

Closing his eyes again, Callum says, “No. I’ve been awake on and off all night.”

“How are you feeling?”

Callum shrugs, eyes still closed and that seems to be the only response Ben is going to get right now.

“I’m sorry for falling asleep last night,” Ben says. “You could’ve woken me.”

“I didn’t mind you being here. Watched to the end of the episode and went to sleep myself.”

They’re silent for a moment and then Callum opens his eyes. “Were you watching me sleep?”

“No,” Ben responds a little too quickly. “Well, not really. I just woke up to see you next to me. I was just looking at you generally.”

“Weirdo,” Callum says, a smile curling at his lips.

Ben grins back, warmth flooding through him. “Yeah.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They settle back into a familiar routine after that. They spend time together again without avoiding each other, they laugh over mealtimes, and things gradually get easier. Ben occasionally tests Callum’s boundaries by making an inappropriate joke or comment and Callum has learned to laugh along, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.  
  
Ben feels closer to Callum than he ever has before. They were best friends coming into this but there’s a new depth there now. Whether it’s as a result of Callum opening up to him or simply because he keeps attempting to strip away the layers to Callum’s shyer side, Ben doesn’t know. He just knows that it feels nice.  
  
Callum seems a little happier too. There’s still times Ben will notice him sitting quietly, a serious expression on his face or a misty look in his gaze but Ben has simply reminded him that he’s there if Callum ever wants to talk. He’s learning to be patient and not push Callum so much, even though he wants nothing more than to help Callum out with his struggles regardless of what the outcome will be in the end.  
  
It’s a few days later when Callum comes bustling through the door, carrier bags in hand and smiling happily.  
  
“I thought you were only going to the shop?” Ben asks, following Callum into the kitchen.  
  
“I was but look at this!” Callum reaches into one of the bags and pulls out a bag of self-raising flour. He grins, hopping from one foot to the other with excitement. “See this!”  
  
“I’m seeing,” Ben says, clearly not sharing in his friend’s excitement.  
  
“It’s flour Ben! That means I can finally do some baking! I’ve got all the ingredients we need and I went over to my place to pick up some stuff. Your kitchen now has a decent mixing bowl!” He starts pulling different items out of the other bags.  
  
Ben rolls his eyes, remembering their conversation from last week and the way Callum had practically thrown a hissy fit over his lack of a chopping knife. “Don’t start that again!” he says, forcing down a smile.  
  
“What do you reckon we should bake?” Callum asks, ignoring him. “We could do a sponge cake or butterfly buns or shortbread biscuits?”  
  
“We?”  
  
“You’re helping too! I know it’s risky, but don’t worry, I’ll stop you before you burn the kitchen down,” he jokes.  
  
Ben looks at him bewildered. “I’m not going to burn the kitchen down! I might not be able to bake but I do know my way around an oven you know! And I do cook for us every night in case you’ve forgotten.”  
  
“No need to get so defensive Ben,” Callum teases. “Come on, we’ll have fun!”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That’s how two hours later, Ben finds himself stood at the kitchen unit stirring a mix of ingredients around a mixing bowl while Callum stands at his side observing his every movement.  
  
“There, that it now?” Ben asks, looking at Callum for a response.  
  
Callum looks at the mixture in the bowl and tilts his head to the side. “I can see lumps in that.”  
  
“So?”  
  
“You need to really mix it together otherwise you’re going to find raw bits of flour later.”  
  
Ben sighs. “I don’t see why you couldn’t have brought your whisk. Or better yet, I don’t see why _you_ can’t do this considering you’re the one who wanted to bake so much.”  
  
“Think of this as a bonding activity and quit moaning.”  
  
“I can think of better bonding activities,” Ben mutters as he takes hold of the wooden spoon again.  
  
Callum ignores that in favour of stepping behind Ben and covering his hand with his own. Ben feels his skin tingle at the sudden close proximity, the feel of Callum’s body behind his and the feel of Callum’s large hand encompassing his smaller one.  
  
Ben takes a moment to work out what Callum is doing before realising that he’s trying to show him how to stir the mixture. He tightens his fist around the handle of the spoon and allows Callum to help him stir.  
  
“See, just like that,” Callum says from behind him. “It’s really not as hard as you’re making out.”  
  
Ben’s lips curl and he bites back a chuckle at the remark as he continues to stir along with Callum. After a moment Callum let’s go of his hand and steps aside again and Ben briefly misses the closeness even though Callum is still right there.  
  
“Like this?” he asks as he continues mixing.  
  
“Yeah! See, all you needed was a bit of brute strength.”  
  
Ben pouts, letting go of the spoon and turning to Callum. “I’m strong!”  
  
“Yeah alright,” Callum laughs. “You just keep telling yourself that.”  
  
“I am!”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
Before he has chance to think through his actions, Ben is dipping a finger into the cupcake mix before lifting his hand to Callum’s face and swiping the mixture across the taller man’s cheek.  
  
“What did you do that for?” Callum gasps.  
  
“You were laughing at me!”  
  
“So you decided to act like a child?”  
  
Ben shrugs, trying not to laugh at the shock on Callum’s face and fighting the urge to lick to mixture back off his cheek.  
  
“Right,” Callum says. “Well then…..” He reaches forward, putting his own finger into the mixture and before Ben can move he feels the cold wetness of it being wiped across his own cheek.  
  
“There! Now we’re even,” Callum says proudly.  
  
He’s not having that though. This is war. He picks up the open bag of flour from the unit beside him and goes to tip it over Callum but Callum is too fast.  
  
“Ben!” he squawks, grabbing onto Ben’s wrist to stop him from pouring out the contents of the bag.  
  
“Yes Callum?” Ben asks innocently.  
  
Callum looks down at him, eyes gleaming playfully as his gaze moves between Ben’s face and the bag of flour which he is making Ben hold at arm’s length. A laugh bubbles out of him and it’s the sweetest sound Ben has ever heard. He looks up at the man in front of him, feels the way Callum’s fingers are curled around his wrist and he swears he can hear his own heart beating loudly in his chest.  
  
They stand like that for a moment and Ben knows something is going to have to give way. Either he puts the bag of flour down or he fights Callum until he relents. But he’s not prepared for the way Callum suddenly looks at him, the smile on his fade slowly fading as his eyes flicker over Ben’s face.  
  
Ben feels Callum release pressure on his wrist and although he doesn’t let go, Ben lowers the bag, too astounded by the way Callum is looking at him to even consider what to do next in their silly little game.  
  
“We can’t waste the flour Ben,” Callum whispers, though his thoughts seem to be anywhere other than with the bag of flour.  
  
“Who made you the fun police?” Ben asks just as quietly, not breaking his gaze with Callum.  
  
He can’t help but let his eyes trail down to Callum’s mouth, remembers the way that mouth had kissed his own just a few days ago, remembers how soft and gentle those kisses had been to begin with. He snaps his eyes back to Callum’s again and it seems to break their moment.  
  
Suddenly Callum clears his throat and let’s go of Ben’s wrist, turning back towards the mixing bowl on the kitchen unit and wiping the mixture off his cheek.  
  
“Anyway,” he says, voice like gravel, “We should get on with this otherwise we’ll never get it in the oven. Get those bun cases will you?”  
  
Ben tries to catch his breath, feeling his heart racing as he forces his eyes away from Callum over to the pack of bun cases sitting on the table. He sets down the bag of flour and with shaking hands, he picks up the bun cases and tries to get himself under control before turning back to Callum and handing them over to him.  
  
Callum takes them and their fingers meet for a moment. Ben feels his eyes on him but the moment their eyes come into contact Callum turns away. He wants to ask, _“What’s going on here?”_ but he knows its unlikely Callum has any more answers than he does. So instead he swallows down the lump in his throat and watches as Callum starts to set all of the bun cases out on the unit.  
  
They’re quiet for a moment and Ben doesn’t like it. The air around them is uncomfortable and he doesn’t know how to lift it.  
  
“Is um…..is that all mixed in okay now?” he asks.  
  
“Yeah, yeah it looks alright.”  
  
They fall silent again before Callum laughs suddenly. Ben looks at him and feels confused. “What?”  
  
“As if you’d have won that anyway! You’d never have been able to reach high enough to pour the flour over me.”  
  
And just like that the atmosphere between them evaporates.  
  
“You wanna be careful what you’re saying Highway,” he says, smiling a little. “Never underestimate a Mitchell – we fight dirty.”  
  
Callum laughs again as he starts to scoop the cupcake mixture into each of the bun cases. “Yeah well, at least I’m not the wally with bun mixture still on his face.”  
  
This time, Ben laughs along with him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben looks at the rows of cupcakes sitting on along the top of his kitchen unit. They have all been perfectly decorated thanks to Callum and his creative skills. Ben had watched as he had carefully piped buttercream onto the top of each cupcake as if it were an art form, mesmerised both by Callum’s skill and the concentration and care he had shown over each one. He had then added colourful sprinkles to some of them, and with others he had added miniature marshmallows. When Ben had declared he wanted to try one there and then, Callum had steered him away saying they should wait until later on tonight and pushing him out of the room.  
  
The kitchen is empty now though and there’s plenty of cupcakes so Ben reasons that Callum won’t even notice if he takes one. Or maybe two. They look delicious and Ben’s mouth waters at the sight of them. He looks at each of them, deciding which one he’ll have.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
He jumps at the sound of Callum’s voice and turns to see him stood in the doorway.  
  
“Nothing,” Ben responds guiltily.  
  
“So you weren’t thinking about eating one of those without me?”  
  
“No.” Callum squints at him, moving closer to Ben who feels the weight of his stare. “Okay fine! But they just look so good Callum!”  
  
“Yeah, and they’re going to continue to look good until after dinner,” Callum adds.  
  
Ben can’t help but pout at that. He has a sweet tooth, always has. He was the child that went into the corner shop and wanted practically every type of sweet from the pick ‘n mix section. He was the child who would have devoured half the bag before he had even made it home.  
  
Callum has always been the opposite. He knows how to wait, knows how to be patient. Ben has learned over the years that Callum had a difficult upbringing. They have never talked about it much, but then again, Ben has never really talked about his own. But he feels they’ve given each other enough pieces of the puzzle in that time to gain an idea of what the overall picture looks like. And Ben knows from the little pieces that his friend has shared with him that Callum grew up not knowing when his next meal was going to be. He’d learned to survive on the bare minimum and when food did become available to him, he made sure to make it last for as long as possible.  
  
Callum understands the nature of delayed gratification. Ben doesn’t. His own home life may have been difficult and he’ll never really escape some of those memories but there was always food on the table and always money in his pocket to make a visit to the corner shop or the local café on the way home from school to pick up a chocolate bar or an iced bun.  
  
The man standing in front of him knows about his sweet tooth so it stands to reason that he is fully aware of Ben’s intentions to steal away with a cupcake. Ben looks longingly at one of them before looking back at Callum. He weighs up his options before catching sight of the open bag of marshmallows Callum had been using to decorate with. He can see that the bag is still half full and glances back at Callum again.  
  
“Fine, I’ll wait,” he shrugs as he reaches for the bag of marshmallows. “I’ll have these instead.”  
  
He puts his hand into the bag, pulling out a pink marshmallow. Throwing it up into the air, he opens his mouth to catch it on the way back down and then looks at Callum. He knows the look on his own face must look like that of a five year old but he doesn’t care.  
  
Callum rolls his eyes, face breaking out into a smile. “I bet you got away with everything when you were a kid didn’t you?”  
  
Ben shrugs non-committedly, smiling back at Callum as he reaches into the bag for another marshmallow and pops it into his mouth.  
  
“You going to share those?”  
  
“Wasn’t planning on it. After all, wouldn’t want you to spoil your dinner with all this sugar.” He grins up at Callum, considers picking out another marshmallow just to taunt him, but then Callum is stepping forwards, reaching out for the bag which Ben tightens in his grasp as he moves it out of reach.  
  
“Oh, it’s like that is it?”  
  
Ben doesn’t know what comes over him. He doesn’t know whether he’s feeling particularly childish today, or whether it’s the sugar, or whether he’s still on a high from their baking earlier that day, but suddenly he’s stepping backwards, moving around the kitchen until the table separates them and he grins across at Callum as he says, “Tell you what – I’ll share but you’ll have to come and get them first.”  
  
And then he runs, shooting out of the kitchen before Callum has chance to react.  
  
“Hey!” Callum shouts, running after him.  
  
Ben hurtles down the hallway towards the stairs but just as he’s about to reach them he feels Callum grab him from behind and suddenly he’s trapped in the taller man’s arms.  
  
“Seriously Ben?” Callum chuckles. “We really going to play this game?”  
  
Ben struggles in Callum’s arms. It’s pointless, they both know it, but there’s no chance he’s giving up so soon.  
  
“You know, I’m getting de-ja-vu here Ben. We both know how this is going to end.”  
  
“Oh yeah? How’s that then?” Ben asks as he continues to try and wriggle his way out of the arms surrounding him.  
  
Callum laughs. “You’re going to get bored of fighting, you’re going to surrender and then you’re going to share the marshmallows.”  
  
“Oh is that right?”  
  
“Don’t embarrass yourself like you did with the flour. You know I’ll win.”  
  
Ben manages to turn in Callum’s arms and looks up at him. “I won’t ever surrender. So what are you going to do about that eh?”  
  
He raises his eyebrows in question and waits on Callum’s response. It’s not until he’s said it that he realises how much of a dare that sounds. Their bodies are pressed closely together and how has Ben not noticed that until now? Callum’s smile slowly fades from his face, his eyes lowering to Ben’s mouth before scanning back to his eyes again and suddenly Ben finds himself back _here_ , in this strange bubble that doesn’t make any sense.  
  
He waits for Callum to break the moment as he did earlier, starts to think that maybe he should instead, but then he feels the way Callum’s fingers start to curl around his t-shirt, clenching the material in his hands.  
  
“Callum,” he starts, not knowing what he wants to say.  
  
Suddenly Callum surges towards him, lips pressing hard against his own as Ben feels himself getting backed into the wall. He kisses Callum back, can’t stop himself really, and draws him closer until he has Callum’s whole body pressed against his. Callum moves his arms from behind Ben’s back, bringing his hands to his face. Ben feels the way Callum’s hands are gentle on his cheeks. It’s a stark contrast to way they’re kissing and Ben loses his grips on the bag of marshmallows, letting it drop to the floor as he brings his own hand up to Callum’s neck, drawing him even closer.  
  
“This has to be the last time,” Callum breathes out between kisses.  
  
And maybe that’s not what he had expected or wants but he can’t bring himself to focus on the true meaning of those words. Not right now. Not whilst he has Callum here. So he kisses Callum back just as fiercely, willing to give him everything and anything, and desperate to take anything Callum is willing to give him in return.  
  
Ben is like a moth to a flame. He’ll take whatever he can get even if it ends up burning him to the ground.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who is continuing to support this story. It is so encouraging and every bit of feedback I get, whether it be kudos or comments, really does mean a lot. 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Nine**

  
  


It’s a warm afternoon. The sun is blazing down and Ben steps into the kitchen to see Callum outside in the garden, sitting on a deck chair, eyes closed against the sun’s rays. He’s wearing a floppy sun hat and if Ben was in a better mood he would be joining him for a couple of hours in the sunshine.

He turns and leans against the kitchen unit, squeezing his eyes tightly as he remembers the small worried look Callum had given him when Ben had declined the invitation to sit outside with him. He’s been irritated all day and although Callum has picked up on it, he hasn’t pushed too much for an explanation which Ben is glad about because he doesn’t think he could give one even if he tried.

He’s anxious and fidgety, has barely slept in the past two days, and Ben sighs as he wonders how he ended up here. He opens his eyes and reaches up to roughly pull at his hair in agitation. He needs to keep busy, needs to distract himself. He opens a drawer and pulls out the chopping board inside hoping that if he gets started on preparing the vegetables for dinner then he may be able to focus his thoughts elsewhere for a while.

  
  


When it comes to sex, Ben would say he’s always been more comfortable with the kind that comes with no strings attached. He’s had more than his fair share of hook up’s in his time and as soon as anyone has shown the slightest interest over wanting something more, he’s been quick to send them on their way.

Thankfully, most of the men he’s ever had sex with have been very much on the same page as him, the unspoken agreement of this being a one-time only deal appeasing both of them. Maximum amount of pleasure, minimum amount of pain – it’s simple, efficient, easy.

His Mum has always been keen to remind him that one day he might want to settle down, that he’ll find a nice boy who he’ll want to spend the rest of his life with. There was a time when Ben could imagine that for himself. But then things had changed and as much as there was still a small part of him hidden away that wanted that more than anything else, his belief that it would never happen resulted in him hiding behind a false façade. He would simply pretend to anyone who asked that he couldn’t bear the thought of being limited to just one person when there were so many attractive men in the world. Why weigh himself down with just one? 

Then Callum had come along and threatened the walls Ben had worked so hard to build. Ben had slowly fallen in love with him, imaging a life that the two of them could share together if only things were different, if only Callum wasn’t straight. Knowing of the impossibilities, Ben had continued on. He had spent his time moving from one guy to the next, casual sex becoming the norm in his life. It was almost as if he was trying to prove to himself that he could be happy with that alone, that he didn’t need anything or anyone permanently. That he could somehow erase any feelings he had for Callum by sleeping with anyone else who came his way. He’d almost convinced himself too.

Now though, he’s had Callum in ways he thought he never would. He knows how Callum’s lips taste against his own, knows how it feels to be touched so delicately by him. Ben knows how it feels to be wanted by him. And he thinks, _this could be different, we could have it all, we could have everything._

Only Callum had brought that crashing down with his words: “This has to be the last time.”

So yes, when it comes to sex, Ben _would_ say he’s always been more comfortable with the kind that comes with no strings attached but when it comes to Callum, well, he was never going to be able to accept casual so easily was he?

That’s why, two days later, Ben stands in his kitchen, head pounding from lack of sleep and a constant whirring of thoughts. He can hear the birds tweeting in the background and there’s the sound of children playing in one of the neighbouring gardens. He glances back at Callum who is still sitting in his deck chair before turning away and attempting to focus on the task in hand. He reaches for the bag of carrots in front of him and starts peeling them of their skins. But still, he can’t help it when his thought’s return to that evening two nights ago.

In some ways it had been similar to their first night. They’d exchanged hand jobs, Ben guiding Callum through it as the taller man had continued to press him more and more into the wall. It had been intense. Callum had looked at him in a way that made Ben feel like he wasn’t the only one immersed in the other’s pleasure, like Callum was feeling just as much as he was.  
  
Afterwards, Callum had moved back to sit at the bottom of the stairs. He was breathing heavily and had put his head in his hands. Ben had worried that this was the moment Callum was going to disappear and the nausea in his stomach built the more the silence had gone on.  
  
“Alright?” he’d asked, still a little breathless.  
  
Callum had looked up at him then and laughed in disbelief. “Yeah. You?”  
  
Ben nodded in response, already preparing to analyse whatever might come next but Callum had simply motioned to where the bag of marshmallows were now lying on the floor and said, “You sharing those then or what?”  
  
Ben had been so blindsided by the reaction that he’d simply picked up the bag and passed it over to Callum. He’d wanted to ask more, dig more, find out if Callum was really as alright as he was making himself out to be, but he hadn’t known where to start.  
  
The rest of that evening had gone by as normal and the next morning when Ben had gone downstairs for breakfast, he had found Callum sitting at the kitchen table staring into space, deep in his own thoughts. Ben had asked if he was alright and Callum had smiled, assured him he was and had started to prepare breakfast for the two of them.  
  
Unlike the first time, Callum hasn’t tried to avoid him since. There’s been several occasions when Callum has seemed to be very much in his own head though. He hasn’t been distant but it’s clear to Ben that Callum’s attention has been elsewhere at times. There’s so many questions Ben wants to ask him, but he doesn’t want to risk pushing Callum too far before he’s ready and dreads the thought of making him feel like he did the night he broke down.  
  
He doesn’t want to risk causing another argument between them either. Their friendship doesn’t seem to have been effected since that evening and their time together since then has been normal on the whole. He knows he should feel happy about that. But at the same time, he’s unsure about how Callum feels, unsure over why it happened for a second time, and unsure how to deal with coming so close to everything you’ve ever wanted, only to realise it’s just not quite within reach.  
  
Today, he knows he’s in a bad mood and he feels his head exploding with all the uncertainties. He knows he loves Callum and he knows how he wants this to play out, but he’s trying not to let his mind wander to Happy Ever After’s. He knows Callum must be struggling with it all just as much if not more and that chances are, Callum doesn’t have the answers Ben is hoping for. But that doesn’t stop him from desperately praying for a world where they can be together and where nothing else matters.  
  
He feels fidgety all the time, like there’s an itch that he just can’t seem to scratch. Callum is under his skin and deep into his bones and he wants, wants, wants _so much_. He’s in far too deep now and what he needs is to be able to step out of the situation long enough to try and centre himself again. He feels like he’s drowning and for as long as he is trapped with Callum there’s no sign of dry land in sight. Callum is everywhere he turns.  
  
Ben has contemplated asking Callum to go back to his own flat. He can’t imagine having to spend much longer in lockdown with him after what’s occurred between them. Especially now that Callum has made it clear that it won’t be happening again. But Ben isn’t cruel. He would never send Callum away and he knows that if he was to spend even a day in this house alone, he would miss Callum terribly. He has tried to remind himself that Callum is suffering too, battling with his own sexuality perhaps for the first time in his life, and it’s not as if he knows about Ben’s feelings for him. He would be devastated to know that Ben was hurting like this.  
  
Ben continues to peel at the carrots, roughly scraping at their skins. He had thought keeping busy would help but it seems nothing will rid him of his thoughts. He groans in frustration as a piece of carrot skin sticks to his fingers and he shakes his hand in an attempt to fling it off.  
  
“You okay?” Callum calls from where he’s sitting in the garden.  
  
“Yeah,” Ben says, though he’s fully aware of how unconvincing he sounds.  
  
He hears the sound of Callum getting comfy on the deck chair again and when he receives no response he carries on with his peeling.  
  
When he’s finished he pulls a knife out of the drawer and starts to chop the carrots, putting the pieces into a pan each time he’s finished one. His mind keeps turning back to thoughts of Callum though and he wonders how he’s going to survive the rest of lockdown like this. For someone who is so used to causal sex, he's having a harder time dealing with this than he ever thought he would.  
  
Suddenly pain shoots through him as he feels the edge of the knife hit his finger. He inhales sharply and looks down to see blood running down his finger. He looks at it, stunned for a moment, before putting it to his mouth in an attempt to stop the bleeding. When he brings it away, he sees the blood still flowing.  
  
“Fucking hell,” he mutters.  
  
Callum turns in his chair, eyebrows furrowing when he sees Ben. “What’s happened?”  
  
“Nothing, just cut my finger. I’m fine.”  
  
“What?” Callum leaps up, walking inside quickly.  
  
“I’m fine! It was just the knife that’s all.”  
  
“Let me see.” Callum reaches for his arm to look at his finger. “You’re not fine, you’re bleeding!”  
  
Before Ben knows what’s happening, Callum is dragging him across the room to the sink. He swears he can hear Callum whispering under his breath about Ben’s lack of a proper chopping knife and he bites back a retort, instead focusing on the blood. Callum turns on the tap and holds Ben’s hand underneath the running water.  
  
“Callum, this is silly. I’m fine. It’s just a little cut.”  
  
“Where do you keep your plasters?”  
  
“Callum – " he starts.  
  
“Plasters Ben!”  
  
“There should be a Tupperware box in that drawer,” Ben says, nodding his head in the direction of one of the drawers.  
  
He rolls his eyes as Callum follows his direction and within moments he’s returning to Ben’s side and pulling his hand out from underneath the tap.  
  
“What is up with you today?” Callum demands.  
  
Ben watches as Callum carefully dries his hand. There’s no point in arguing with him when he gets like this, though he does appreciate Callum’s care of him, even if it is over a tiny cut.  
  
“Nothing, I’m fine,” Ben sighs.  
  
“Well you’re obviously not. I haven’t said anything because I know you don’t always like to talk about the stuff that goes on in your head, but whatever it is, it’s obviously bad enough that you’re not concentrating on what you’re doing.”  
  
He hangs his head as Callum puts a plaster around his finger. When he raises it again, Callum is looking back at him carefully, gently brushing his thumb back and forth over the plaster. They stare at each other for a moment and Ben wonders why they so often find themselves end up back here – in this strange place where time seems to stop and it’s just the two of them.  
  
“You going to kiss it better are you?” he asks quietly before realising what he’s said. “Shit, sorry!” he says, pulling his hand out of Callum’s grasp and scrunching his eyes closed. He always deflects when faced with something he doesn’t want to talk about but it’s ironic that he would deflect to the only other topic he's trying to avoid. It could only happen to him.  
  
Soft fingers touch his hand and he opens his eyes to see Callum tightening his hold and slowly lifting Ben’s hand towards his mouth and pausing just millimetres from his lips. Ben looks up from where their hands are joined, suspended between them, and sees the taller man looking back at him intently. The heat in his gaze is enough to make Ben feel on fire and he can feel Callum’s warm breath on the back of his fingers. Not breaking eye contact, Callum brushes his lips lightly against the plaster on Ben’s finger. It’s barely there and so fleeting, but Ben feels it right down to the tips of his toes. Callum’s lips on him feel like a soothing balm, cooling the flames he’s surrounded by.  
  
Callum moves his lips away and lowers Ben’s hand again. He keeps holding on for a moment, and offers Ben a small smile. Ben wants to ask what’s going on between them, wants to lean forward and press his own lips to Callum’s. But the look on Callum’s face stops him. Callum looks so very sad, the spark having left his eyes.  
  
“I’m here if you want to talk,” Callum says quietly.  
  
It takes Ben a moment for him to realise what Callum means before he remembers what led them to this moment. Callum had been worried about his mood and he hadn’t given him an answer. But it should be Ben’s line shouldn’t it? He should be the one comforting Callum, not the other way around.  
  
“You too,” he responds in an attempt to do just that.  
  
Callum looks like he’s going to feign confusion but must think better of it because he nods a little, letting go of Ben’s hand and moving to put the plasters and the Tupperware box back in the drawer.  
  
There is so much neither of them are saying. There’s so much they can’t find the words for. Ben thinks he would cry right here if he thought no one could see him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


As night falls, Ben finds he is once again unable to sleep. He tosses and turns before staring up at his ceiling and tries to make out patterns in the darkness in the hopes it will eventually send him off to sleep.  
  
When he reaches for his phone to look at the time, he’s dismayed to see '1.43' glaring back at him. He squints against the brightness of the screen before putting it back on his bedside table. He can’t spend another night lying here like this. Not again.  
  
He gets up, pulls on a t-shirt and jog pants and leaves his bedroom. He’s not entirely sure where he’s going but his footsteps lead him to the living room. Ben settles down on the sofa, lays his head on a cushion and hopes the change of surroundings might do some good.  
  
Not much time passes before he hears the creaking of the stairs. It draws him out of his thoughts and he listens as footsteps makes their way down. A moment later, Callum appears in the doorway and looks at Ben. Ben looks back at him but stays quiet.  
  
“What are you doing?” Callum asks, though he doesn’t seem all that surprised to see Ben down here.  
  
“Couldn’t sleep.”  
  
“I saw your bedroom door open. Wondered where you’d gone.”  
  
“Well here I am,” Ben responds tiredly.  
  
Callum hovers in the doorway before moving over to the sofa. He nudges at Ben’s legs and Ben moves them and sits up so there’s room for Callum to sit beside him.  
  
“What are you doing up?” Ben asks as Callum joins him.  
  
“I just came to get a drink. It’s stifling tonight don’t you think?”  
  
Ben nods a little but he can’t say he’s noticed. He pulls at a strand of cotton coming loose from the corner of the cushion as they fall into silence. After a moment, he looks up to see Callum watching him expectantly.  
  
“What?” he asks.  
  
“You know I’ll only ask you so many times what’s wrong, don’t you?” Callum says. “I know you have your own way of dealing with things but…..I’m worried about you. You look tired. And stressed.”  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh. “Oh thanks!”  
  
Callum ignores his attempts to joke, instead continuing to sit patiently. Ben isn’t sure what he expects him to say. And it’s not like he could tell him the truth anyway. _‘I love you Callum and I know you’re dealing with a lot right now but please choose me. Please choose me and this life over any other.’_ No, he can’t say that.  
  
He inhales deeply in an attempt to keep his tears at bay at the mere thought of it. He’s never been this emotional. Only Callum has the key to that side of him and he doesn’t even know it.  
  
“I just haven’t been sleeping much lately,” he says, choosing to give a small version of the truth. “We don’t know how long we’re going to be here for and I suppose it’s all just getting on top of me.” He pauses for a moment. Callum stays quiet beside him. “There’s all this stuff going round and round my head and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep with it all and I’m……I’m just tired.” He doesn’t know how to begin explaining.  
  
“How long's this been going on for? You not sleeping?”  
  
Ben shrugs. “On and off since the start of lockdown. But properly the last few nights. I’ll be fine.”  
  
“And what’s all this stuff going round your head?”  
  
He puts his head in his hands. Maybe if he hides his face long enough then when he looks up again Callum will have disappeared. He’s too tired for this.  
  
“Come on,” Callum says softly after a moment. Ben feels a hand on his back and looks up wondering what Callum is doing.  
  
Callum stands then and reaches out for Ben who let’s himself be pulled up from the sofa. “What?”  
  
“You need sleep.”  
  
“But I can’t – “  
  
“Come on,” Callum repeats firmly. He puts a hand on Ben’s back again and Ben feels himself being manoeuvred out of the room. He doesn’t have the energy to protest and let’s Callum direct him to the stairs, legs somehow carrying him up them.  
  
When they reach the top, Ben turns towards his room but Callum puts a hand out, directing him away and pushing him onwards until they reach Callum’s room.  
  
“What are we…..?”  
  
“If you’re going to be lying awake with your thoughts, I’d rather you weren’t on your own. Thought the company would help. Whatever’s going on, you don’t have to talk, but I’m here okay?”  
  
Callum moves him over to the bed and after a moment Ben lies down. For the second time that day he feels like crying but this time he isn’t sad. Callum is being such a good friend to him and he’s going through his own problems right now but still being his supportive, wonderful self. No one has ever cared for him like this before.  
  
Callum climbs into the bed beside him and pulls the duvet over them.  
  
“You never got your drink,” Ben points out, stifling a yawn.  
  
“It don’t matter. Just try and sleep yeah?”  
  
Ben feels Callum settle beside him and he tries to close his eyes and give in to the tiredness but he feels so irritable and can’t seem to lie still. He sighs and turns onto his back. He feels like laughing. Same house, different ceiling he’s staring at. He feels like crying for the same reasons. Is this what it feels like to be slowly going mad?  
  
His eyes sting with how exhausted he is and the dull pain in his head continues on. Callum is quiet from beside him and Ben assumes he’s already asleep. How can anyone fall asleep so quickly?  
  
He wonders how much longer he can do this for. Pretend not to love the man beside him, pretend that it’s not tearing him in two. He wonders how he will ever be good enough to help Callum through his own troubles when he’s so clearly biased over the outcome.  
  
Callum shifts slightly at the side of him. There’s a pause and Ben thinks nothing of it until he hears the rustle of the duvet and feels Callum’s hand on his arm. He’s not asleep after all.  
  
“Turn over,” Callum whispers into the silence.  
  
He’s confused but complies as Callum pushes gently on his arm. Ben turns onto his side and before he has chance to wonder what’s going on, he feels Callum move close behind him, and an arm wrap around his waist.  
  
He breathes in deeply at the feel of Callum around him. It feels uncomfortable at first, like every part of his body is fighting the urge to turn and kiss Callum right there and then. But he hasn’t been held in so, so long and the feeling of safety overrides any other feeling he has. For the first time in days, the voices in his head quieten and all he can concentrate on is Callum’s strong body against his.  
  
Ben feels it when Callum starts to gently trace patterns along his forearm. He allows himself to surrender to it, allows his body to relax into Callum’s hold. He doesn’t know what Callum is doing and he knows when tomorrow comes he’ll analyse the hell out of this, but right now he lets himself be soothed by Callum’s gentle touches.  
  
“Shhh. Sleep now,” Callum whispers.  
  
It’s the last thing he hears before peace overcomes him.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read, commented on or left kudos on the last chapter. I really hope you enjoy this one!
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Ten  
  
  
  
**

Ben stretches out in the bed, pushing his head further into the pillow briefly before opening his eyes. The room is bright and he turns to find the other side of the bed empty and cold. He sits up and is surprised to see that it’s almost eleven o’clock in the morning.

He has a mild headache but it’s nothing compared to how he’s felt the past few days. He remembers the way Callum had gently lulled him off to sleep last night, the way he had traced his fingers up and down Ben’s arm making random patterns until Ben had succumbed to sleep. He had felt so safe in Callum’s arms and he wonders how long Callum stayed wrapped around him after Ben had fallen asleep. He hopes he stayed there all night.

Today, he’s going to try hard not to think about what has been happening between the two of them. It’s slowly driving him mad and he has to find a way to gain some sense of control again, not just for himself but for Callum too.

He rubs at his face and throws the duvet off of him, trying to decide whether it’s worth having breakfast or waiting until lunch time. He goes downstairs and finds Callum sitting at the backdoor. The _rodent_ is back and Callum is talking to it quietly under his breath.

“How long you been feeding that thing?” Ben asks.

Callum turns to look up at him. “Morning to you too! Sleep alright?”

“Yeah,” Ben smiles. “Thanks to you.”

“I didn’t do anything. Not really. I thought I’d leave you sleeping though. You obviously needed it.”

“Yeah, I did. Best sleep I’ve had in ages.”  
  
“Good,” Callum smiles back as he reaches into the bag at the side of him and throws out a nut towards the middle of the garden.  
  
Ben moves towards him. “Shove over.”  
  
Callum moves to the side a little, allowing Ben to squeeze into the small gap beside him. They both sit in the doorway, watching as the squirrel bounces over to the nut, picking it up in his paws before returning to the plant pot in the corner of the garden.  
  
“Do you reckon they know?” Callum asks, breaking the silence that has fallen between them.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Animals. Do you think they know something’s wrong? Cats and birds and that?”  
  
“How do you mean?” Ben asks, continuing to watch the squirrel nibble through the nut.  
  
Callum shrugs. “The world’s just gone quiet hasn’t it? Less people outside, less traffic. They must have noticed something’s not right, don’t you think?”  
  
It’s Ben’s turn to shrug now. It’s not something he would ever have thought about and he thinks it says a lot about Callum that he has.  
  
Quiet comes over them again and Ben continues to watch as Callum feeds the squirrel. The only sound between them is Callum occasionally whispering, “Oliver,” as he points to the nuts in the garden and tries to direct the creature to where they are.  
  
This is nice. It’s something he imagines he could get used to. It’s something he knows he can’t afford to get used to. But as he sits in the warm sunshine alongside his best friend he thinks that yes, this is going to be a good day.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It is a good day. They eat lunch outside in the garden, Callum asking him questions from a crossword he’s found in the back of an old newspaper as they eat.  
  
Afterwards Callum takes the newspaper apart and attempts to show Ben his origami skills. He admits to not being brilliant at it but Ben still thinks the giraffe and lotus flower Callum makes are some of the best things he’s ever seen. Callum blushes when Ben tells him and then goes on to make paper hats for both himself and Ben. Ben refuses to wear his but laughs at the way Callum wiggles his head from side to side as he dons his own.  
  
They come inside not long after that, the heat getting too much for them both. Callum suggests he spends the afternoon having a tidy of the house.  
  
“It’s tidy. Never been tidier actually,” Ben says in response.  
  
“I feel like it could do with a bit more organisation,” Callum comments as he looks around the kitchen.  
  
“Don’t tell me you’re into all that fong swee rubbish,”  
  
Callum chuckles. “I think you mean feng shui, Ben.”  
  
“Whatever. Your plan sounds boring. Let’s go see if we can find a game we _haven’t_ played yet.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They end up playing Cluedo, Ben moaning that he has to write a new list in place of the detective notepads that ran out years ago.  
  
Callum chooses to be Colonel Mustard and even though that’s usually Ben’s choice of character, he happily lets Callum have it anyway.  
  
“I’ll be Miss Scarlett then,” he says, picking out the red play piece.  
  
“You’re choosing to be a woman?” Callum asks. Ben raises his eyebrows and Callum is quick to add, “There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m not being sexist or anything. I’m just surprised.”  
  
Ben can’t help but smile fondly at Callum’s fumbling.  
  
“Well look,” Ben says. “Professor Plum sounds like a right plonker if you ask me, and I’m hardly going to be Reverend Green am I? Can you seriously see me as a priest?”  
  
Callum laughs. “Yeah, you’ve got a point there.”  
  
“And out of the women, Miss Scarlett sounds like the most feisty one. She sounds like she’s got a bit of something about her. I reckon she’s the kind of woman who could kill someone with just her fingernails.”  
  
“Is that you admitting to being the murderer before the game’s even begun?” Callum asks.  
  
“Am I hell as like! I ain’t admitting to anything Detective Highway!”  
  
Callum grins. “I’m onto you.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s a relatively normal day. Any underlying awkwardness between them seems to have dissipated and if Ben tries hard enough he can forget about the hand jobs they have shared between them and the sweet kisses that have turned into something more passionate as the moments have ticked by. If he tries hard enough he can almost forget about the feelings he has for Callum, the way his heart expands at the mere sight of him or at the sound of his voice and laughter.  
  
But there are times throughout the course of the day that he looks up to see Callum’s eyes on him, a thoughtful look on his face or a fond smile absentmindedly being sent his way. There are moments where Ben feels like they’re dancing around something but no sooner does he begin to question himself over what that might be, the mood changes and they slip straight back into being best friends again, almost like the moment never happened.  
  
As he climbs into bed that night, Ben can’t help but wonder if this is the new normal for them: a friendship bound by love and laughter and the occasional tension-filled moment thrown in, only to be forgotten about soon afterwards.  
  
He turns over in the bed and closes his eyes, settling his head back into the pillow as he tries to get comfy. It’s already gone midnight but he isn’t remotely tired, only coming to bed because Callum had decided to turn in for the night and Ben hadn’t seen the point of staying up without him.  
  
Now, in his bedroom, he thinks about Callum across the hallway. Maybe he’s already asleep or maybe he’s sending out a quick ‘good night’ message to Whitney. Maybe he’s trawling through his social media feed, catching up with family. Whatever he’s doing, he’s not here and Ben feels oddly lonely without him.  
  
Tonight is no different to any other night, apart from that last night Ben fell asleep with Callum’s arms around him and tonight he doesn’t have that. The bed feels cold without Callum by his side and it’s strange because it isn’t as though he’s used to sleeping beside Callum. In fact, Callum has never even slept in this bed. On the two nights Ben slept with Callum next to him, he’s been in the spare bedroom. Even so, now that he’s acknowledged being on his own, he can’t seem to shift the loneliness that continues to set in.  
  
As the minutes tick by, Ben continues to toss and turn and twenty minutes later he sighs, sitting up in the bed and staring into the darkness. What now?  
  
He contemplates texting Callum to see whether he’s still awake. But if he’s asleep, the sound of his phone indicating a new message might wake him and Ben doesn’t want that. He considers getting up and going downstairs again as he had the previous night but whether he is downstairs or here in bed, he isn’t going to feel any less lonely. There’s only one place he wants to be right now.  
  
Ben thinks about the room across the hallway. He imagines himself creeping into Callum’s room, finding Callum awake and ready to invite him into bed with him. He _shouldn’t_ but just knowing that he _can_ is enough to start a battle of wills in his head.  
  
Before he has chance to think better of it, he throws the duvet off of him, climbs out of bed and crosses the bedroom. With every step he takes he feels a little lighter. He’s going to Callum.  
  
He moves along the hallway until he reaches Callum’s bedroom, pausing just as he is about to knock on the door. He doesn’t want to wake Callum if he’s sleeping. After a moment, he ignores the voice in his head telling him that this is crossing a line and carefully opens the door, stepping into the room.  
  
Ben can just make out the Callum shaped bump in the bed. He’s still and even though Ben can’t see his face, he knows Callum is asleep. He hovers by the door. He shouldn’t have come here. This was a mistake. He’s going to look back on this in the cold light of day and feel like some kind of creepy stalker. He turns towards the door, getting ready to leave but suddenly Callum moves in the bed, stopping Ben in his tracks.  
  
Callum rubs at his face and turns over onto his back. He settles and Ben thinks he’s still asleep, but then Callum rubs at his face again and lifts his head slightly.  
  
“Ben?” Callum says groggily.  
  
Ben panics. “I-I’m sorry,” he says. “I uh, I couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry. I’m…..This really isn’t as weird as it looks.”  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
“I…..” he starts. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I should go. I’m sorry for waking you.”  
  
He turns towards the door, desperate to return to his own room and never come out again.  
  
“You don’t have to go,” Callum says. “And stop saying sorry. Are you okay?”  
  
“I just……I don’t know.”  
  
Callum pulls the duvet back at the side of him and there’s his invitation even though Ben hadn’t imagined it to feel this awkward. Callum waits for him and after a moment’s hesitation, Ben steps forward before getting into the bed, allowing the duvet to be drawn over him. Ben lies on his back, staring up at the ceiling above. He feels Callum get comfy beside him, and even though he can only really see him in his peripheral vision, he knows Callum is watching him closely.  
  
“I meant what I said yesterday,” Callum says. “I’m here if you want to talk.”  
  
Ben doesn’t know what to say. He knows all the things he wants to say but they’re all the things he can’t say without scaring Callum away. He just feels so anxious and irritable all the time.  
  
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he tells Callum. “I don’t know why I just can’t sleep. My head just goes manic the moment I try.”  
  
Callum is quiet for a moment and then says, “You know what I think? I think that in the day time there’s always so many things to distract us, and then night comes and there’s just silence. It makes sense that you’d notice things more.”  
  
Ben thinks about that. It feels like quite a heavy sentence and he wonders if Callum is speaking generally or from personal experience.  
  
“Is that what you do?” he asks. “Lie awake some nights unable to sleep because of the silence?”  
  
“Sometimes. Sometimes silence makes you think about the things you don’t want to think about.”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
Whatever the answer is, Callum doesn’t give him it. Ben continues to stare into the darkness and thinks how strange it is that something as simple as silence can keep a person awake. But Callum had been right in what he had said and it makes all the sense in the world.  
  
“When I was little, I grew up in a right madhouse,” Ben says quietly. “It used to be row after row after row. There was always something; always some fight or drama. I used to hate it. I couldn’t wait to grow up and get away from it all. But it’s weird because the more you live with something, the more it becomes normal, you know? And it turns out that you can get so used to something like that that when there is silence, it’s even scarier than the noise.”  
  
Callum is quiet beside him. Ben doesn’t know why he said any of that or where he’s going with it. He doesn’t know if he has a sudden urge to share his entire life story with him after all these years or whether he’s just trying to fill the silence with whatever comes to mind.  
  
“You’ve never told me that,” Callum says after a long moment. “I mean, I know you’ve said bits over the years but we’ve never really talked about your family or growing up or anything.”  
  
“Yeah well, it’s not something I like to think about.” He knows Callum will understand that. Callum has never talked about those things much either, presumably for the same reasons.  
  
“We all have our demons Ben.”  
  
Ben turns his head to look at him. Callum is still watching him and Ben can see a war raging across his face, a tortured look in his eyes. Ben would give everything to know what was going on in that beautiful mind of his.  
  
They lie in silence and Ben angles his body to face Callum’s so he can see better. Callum bites at his lip, his forehead creasing and Ben wonders if he’s readying himself to tell him all of his life’s secrets.  
  
Another long moment draws out between them and then Callum is leaning forwards, pausing to look at Ben questioningly. His eyes flick over Ben’s face momentarily before softly kissing him. It’s fleeting, but Ben feels the tension in his body fade away from that one brief kiss.  
  
When Callum pulls back slightly, Ben looks at him and finds himself reaching up to brush lightly at a strand of Callum’s hair.  
  
“What are we doing?” Callum whispers.  
  
“I don’t know.” If Callum is looking for answers, Ben doesn’t have them. He wishes he knew.  
  
Callum closes the gap again and kisses him and Ben allows himself to have this. He leans towards Callum, deepening their kiss, and moves to push Callum onto his back. There’s a faint taste of toothpaste on Callum’s tongue, and the mint flavour tingles his own. Callum’s hands on him press him closer and Ben gets a leg in between both of Callum’s, closing the gap between them even more. He lets his fingers roam across Callum’s body, breaking the kiss in favour of allowing his mouth to follow in their path. He kisses along Callum’s neck who moans at the feeling, moving his head to give Ben better access.  
  
Ben continues down, following his hands which have somehow found their way under Callum’s t-shirt. He presses kisses into the material, until it rides up and he is able to get to the skin underneath, lips skimming lightly across as he moves lower. Callum jerks beneath him, arching his body, and Ben glances up to see his eyes closed, one hand gripped on the pillow beside him, the other feeling its way across the sheets somewhat helplessly.  
  
Ben pauses as he reaches the waistband of Callum’s briefs.  
  
“Tell me to stop,” he murmurs.  
  
He waits, but all that comes back to him is silence and Callum lifts his hips in anticipation. Ben takes that as his cue and pulls at the briefs until he’s able to get them off. He pushes Callum’s t-shirt up again until his stomach is exposed and kisses lightly at the skin once more. Ben feels Callum’s hand move to his hair, urging him on.  
  
He moves lower, dotting kisses along the bone of Callum’s hip, along the crease of his thigh, until he’s met with Callum’s now fully erect cock. He glances up at Callum a second time who opens his eyes to look back at him. When their eyes meet, Ben can see how dark they are and after a moment of internal debate he puts his mouth around Callum’s cock.  
  
The loud groan emitted from the other man only serves to spurn Ben on and he focusses on taking more and more of Callum into his mouth, swirling his tongue each time he moves back up. He knows he should stop, knows that whatever happens in the aftermath of this will likely break his heart, but he can’t stop, doesn’t want to stop.  
  
He feels exhilarated and lightheaded from the way Callum feels on his tongue and from the sounds coming out from the man above. Callum’s hand is still in his hair, a gentle reminder to Ben that he is in this just as much as Ben is.  
  
Just then, Callum grabs at the strands roughly. “B-Ben,” he breathes out. “I-I’m gonna….Ben….”  
  
Ben continues his ministrations, and suddenly Callum is releasing into his mouth. Ben tastes it on his tongue and swallows, taking one last look at Callum before this is over.  
  
Callum breathes heavily, chest rising rapidly underneath his t-shirt. Ben smiles and moves over on the bed slightly, giving Callum a chance to get his breath back. He lies on his back, stares up at the ceiling above and thinks, _that really did just happen.  
_  
“You okay?” he asks after a while, still staring at the ceiling, slightly afraid of any rejection that comes his way.  
  
Callum chuckles. “Yeah. That was…..”  
  
“Yeah,” Ben smiles in relief.  
  
Callum shifts beside him and Ben turns to meet his gaze. There’s a soft smile on his face and they stare at each other for a moment, enjoying to peace that surrounds them.  
  
Callum’s eyes flicker downwards for a moment. “You, uh…..”  
  
“Oh don’t worry about me,” Ben smiles, catching on to what Callum is trying to say.  
  
“No, I want to,” Callum says. “I just uh….I don’t know…..I’ve never…..” He sighs, giving up on trying to formulate words.  
  
“I know. You don’t have to do anything.”  
  
“But I want to,” Callum repeats.  
  
Ben feels his cock twitch at Callum’s words, thinks of all the possibilities, but really there’s only one thing he truly wants. “Do whatever you feel most comfortable doing. No pressure, okay?”  
  
Callum nods and then he’s leaning forward to kiss Ben. They stay like that for a while, time passing them by, and Ben thinks that if this is all Callum is comfortable with then fuck, he would happily spend the rest of his life here in this bed kissing him back.  
  
But then Callum moves his hand down Ben’s waist and reaches for his jog pants and as he realises Callum is tugging at them unsuccessfully, Ben smiles into the kiss, tearing their lips apart so his can help remove his pants.  
  
Callum is clearly nervous as he wraps a hand around Ben’s cock, even though they’ve done this before. It feels different this time though. They’re in bed for a start and this time it’s less driven on lust and passion alone. This time there’s something sweet and carefree to it and Ben thinks they can’t possibly go back from it this time.  
  
He groans as he watches Callum lick his hand before wrapping it around Ben’s cock once more. Callum concentrates on his movements, eyes flicking between his hand and Ben’s face and then once he seems happy with the rhythm he’s built up, he leans towards Ben and resumes kissing him. And Ben takes it all, takes the gentle pressure of Callum’s lips against his, the way Callum licks into his mouth at the first chance he gets. He takes the slight weight of Callum hovering over him, the feel of Callum’s hand moving in swift motions, his other hand cradling his head. He takes it all and lets himself get lost in it, moaning into Callum’s mouth as the world around him turns into a blur.  
  
Afterwards, Ben gazes at Callum. Can’t take his eyes off of him now. Callum looks at him and lets out a giggle and it makes Ben heart soar.  
  
“You still alright?” Ben asks, because he needs to be sure.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Callum looks at his hand, wet from where Ben had cum. Ben is about to suggest he wipes it on the bed sheets, or on his own t-shirt if Callum would prefer that. It’s what they’ve done in the past. But before Ben has chance to say anything, Callum is lifting a finger to his mouth and it’s all Ben can do but watch.  
  
Callum tastes Ben on his finger and it is hands down one of the sexiest things Ben has ever seen him do. But then Callum’s face screws up and Ben can’t help the laugh that erupts from him.  
  
“You get used to it,” he laughs.  
  
“It’s not _bad_ ,” Callum responds, licking at another finger before wiping the rest of his hand on his t-shirt.  
  
Ben laughs again and then they’re both laughing together, tears appearing in both of their eyes from the delirium. It’s not even that funny really. Ben doesn’t know why either of them are laughing this much but as they both lie sprawled out on the bed, half naked without a care in the world, Ben realises that it doesn’t matter if it makes sense of not. What matters is that they’re happy.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who reacted to the last chapter! You’re all so kind and I can’t begin to express how touched I am by it all. Thank you! I know a lot of you are desperate for Callum and Ben to talk. It is coming I promise! Just a little bit longer. Hopefully the wait will be worth it. 
> 
> Just as a sidenote, I wrote this chapter long before last weeks episodes aired. Callum’s choice of breakfast is purely a happy coincidence!
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Eleven  
  
  
  
**

As with the previous day, Ben wakes to an empty bed. The sheets are warm beside him, an indication that Callum hasn’t long since left.

Callum.

Ben smiles at the thought. He thinks about last night and the way Callum had looked at him. He thinks about the way they had kissed as if they had all the time in the world. He thinks about how different it was to their previous hook up’s. He doesn’t like to consider it a hook up though. What is happening between them is more than that. It’s something beautiful.

The worrier in him wonders if Callum may regret last night, or if he’ll try to deny it ever happened, but then he remembers giving Callum the chance to back out, how he’d offered him an out twice and Callum hadn’t taken it either time. He remembers Callum telling him he wanted it, remembers how eager he had been. He remembers the way Callum had curled around him afterwards, pulling the duvet up around them, both half naked from the waist down as they had fallen into a slumber.

Ben smiles at the memory of it all. He might have come across as a crazy stalker by stepping into the bedroom in the middle of the night and hovering by the door until Callum had woken, but it had been so worth it for everything that came afterwards.

He lets out a giggle and shocks himself at the sound. He doesn’t think he’s every produced such a sound in his life. He’s turning into a sap and he loves it.

Swinging his legs out of the bed, he picks up his jog pants from the floor and leaves the room, walking to the bathroom to have a quick shower before breakfast. He looks at his towel hanging alongside Callum’s on the railing. He’s never stopped to really appreciate the way they look alongside each other before. But they look right just hanging there like that. He likes this. Could get used to it.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum is standing over the cooker when Ben sees him. He’s lowering eggs into a pan with care and Ben can’t help but smile and watch him for a moment, appreciating the sight before him.

“Morning,” he says when he eventually approaches.

“Morning,” Callum smiles warmly at him in return. “I uh, I thought we’d have egg soldiers for breakfast?”

“Sounds good.”

Callum nods. Ben thinks he can see a hint of a blush rising on his cheeks but he supposes it could just be the heat from the hob. Still, there’s an undeniable sparkle in Callum’s eyes and he almost looks shy. Ben wants to kiss him. Is that something he can do now? Before he gets chance to overthink it, he steps towards Callum, closing the gap between them and reaching for him before –

Callum puts his hand out, pressing it against Ben’s chest lightly to stop him. The warm smile he wore just moments ago is fading now and Ben feels the bright technicolour of the world he woke up to grow dim.  
  
_No, no, not again_ , he thinks as he grapples to keep hold of it.  
  
“We have to talk about what’s happening between us,” Callum says.  
  
Ben wonders if Callum can see the pieces of the beautiful world he had created in his mind break behind his eyes.  
  
“Don’t do this again.” He’s not sure if it comes out as a warning or a plead. “We can’t keep saying it’s not going to happen anymore only for it to happen again a few days later. I can’t do that Callum.”  
  
He feels his defences rising and he doesn’t want them to, not with Callum, but it’s second nature. It’s his minds way of looking after him in the only way it knows how after years of repetitive hurt.  
  
Callum seems to recognise what is happening because he shakes his head, moving his hand to Ben’s arm and rubbing his thumb softly over the material of the t-shirt as if to comfort him. “No, no Ben, I know we can’t. That’s not what I’m saying.”  
  
Ben sees sincerity in his eyes and it halts his barriers from going up any further. “Then what are you saying?” he asks cautiously, hating the way a small sliver of hope niggles its way into his mind.  
  
Callum sighs, stepping backwards. He turns off the hob on the cooker, always the practical one, and goes to sit down at the table. Ben watches as Callum fidgets, scratching at his fingers and thumbs.  
  
“It’s weird isn’t it? How we’re fine and normal in the daytime but the moment it gets to night we become something different. I’m trying to get my head around that.” Callum pauses. “I’m not denying it’s happening. I….I liked last night. I’m just trying to get my head around it that’s all.”  
  
Ben nods and after a moment he goes to sit opposite Callum at the table. He perches on the edge of a chair, almost too afraid to let himself settle into it. Callum looks up at him but stays quiet. He looks very lost and Ben attempts to guide him.  
  
“What is this to you?” he asks, gently trying to urge him forwards and lead them to a conversation that he’s been waiting for them to have ever since the night they first kissed.  
  
Callum looks down at his hands again. He chews at his lip and Ben can tell he’s nervous. He readies himself for any answer that could come from that question and can practically hear his heart beating rapidly in his ears. He knows this must be even harder for Callum.  
  
“I don’t know,” Callum says after several moments’ silence. “I don’t know how to explain it. I just….I don’t know.”  
  
Ben nods and takes a deep breath as he feels those barriers inside him propelling upwards again. This is pointless. Callum clearly isn’t anywhere near to figuring this out yet and Ben feels foolish for allowing himself to think that after last night things would be miraculously different.  
  
He wants to reach out to Callum and stay at his side but the pain in his chest is unbearable and he just has to get away.  
  
“Let me know when you do,” he says, standing up from the table and leaving the room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben spends the majority of the day hiding away in his bedroom. He would laugh at how ridiculous it is considering this is his house and he’s disappeared to his room as if he is a teenager again, but he’s hurting and he doesn’t think any part of this is funny.  
  
Spending the day away from the rest of the house feels very much like déjà vu but then he supposes that’s because it is. This isn’t the first time he’s holed himself away from Callum like this. The difference with then and now though is that this time he doesn’t think he would be able to stop himself from lashing out at Callum, something which he knows he would later regret.  
  
The thing is, feeling this way about Callum is painful, more so than it has ever been before. He’s all but given Callum his heart and nights like last night only serve to confuse and hurt him more. He knows Callum isn’t purposely toying with his emotions, he doesn’t even know about Ben’s feelings for him, but knowing these things doesn’t make it hurt any less.  
  
Ben also can’t help but blame himself for setting himself up for a fall. He had woken up with the belief that everything was going to fall into place and that the life he had only ever dared to dream about really could come true. But the reality is so much different and it should have been obvious that Callum still wouldn’t be ready.  
  
He thinks about his own experiences of coming to terms with his sexuality. Each time he seemed to take a step forward, more often than not he would end up taking several steps back again. Granted, that was mostly due to his father’s high expectations of him and the thought that he would never approve of or accept Ben as anything other than straight. From what Ben knows, Callum hasn’t been in contact with his own father for years and the only person who may have an issue with Callum being gay (or bisexual, because Ben can’t ignore that as a possibility at the moment and he’s not about to make assumptions based on the very little he’s learned so far) would be his brother Stuart, if Ben’s previous brief altercations with the man are anything to go by. Stuart has never come across as being the friendliest of people. But even so, Ben doesn’t think Callum would have any reason to be afraid of him.  
  
Ben’s stomach growls, a reminder that he not only missed breakfast but lunch as well. He’s too stubborn to go downstairs in search of food though and it’s not as if Callum has been to find him either. As far as Ben is concerned, the ball is very much in Callum’s court now. He just can’t help but feel like Callum doesn’t know what to do with it, that’s if he even recognises that he is in possession of it. Chances are, he’s just going to stare at it blankly while Ben continues to watch and wait from the side lines in the hope that Callum will break them out of the game they have found themselves in.  
  
It is clear to Ben that Callum is having difficulty with all of this and it’s not something that is going to change over the course of a few weeks just as it hadn’t when he too was struggling with the same thing. Ben remembers how patient his first boyfriend Paul had been with him as Ben had gone back and forth in an attempt to make sense of what was happening. He had felt happy with Paul and wanted to be with him but he still fought against it for such a long time in an attempt to deny what was happening. Paul had been patient and caring even though he was hurting from Ben’s constant rejections.  
  
Ben feels like he is in Paul’s position now. He loves Callum and going around in circles is only hurting his heart, but he’s determined to wait for him. He’s determined to exercise the same patience Paul had shown towards him even though he can’t be certain it will bring the result he’s longing for.  
  
That’s why he needed to take himself off to his room today. Because even though he loves Callum and is willing to wait for him, his defence mechanisms don’t know how to cope with this. They’re in place for a reason, to protect him, and getting angry and lashing out is what Ben does whenever he feels under attack. And his heart certainly feels under attack right now.  
  
He just needs to wait until the feeling has passed so he can figure out a more productive way of moving forward. He’s trying not to put any pressure on Callum and wants to support him as best he can, but it’s hard when they can’t seem to hold themselves back from each other for any longer than a few days at a time. As a result, they continue to go around in the same circle, no end in sight. For the sake of both of them, they can’t keep doing that.  
  
Ben thinks back to something Callum had said – that he wasn’t denying what was happening between them. That’s progress at least. Callum is obviously trying and he can’t ask for much more than that. He wonders what would have happened if he hadn’t tried to kiss him. If he’d stood back and let Callum carry on making egg soldiers for them, where would they be right now? Perhaps Callum would have opened up to him as the day went on. Perhaps they would have taken things slowly between them with the knowledge and acceptance of the previous night. After all, Callum had seemed happy up until Ben had stepped up to him, hadn't he?  
  
He tries to look on the bright side. At least Callum hadn’t told him once more that it couldn’t happen again. If he really takes the time to think about it, this is actually the best position they’ve been in so far. Callum is trying to get his head around it, that’s what he had said. All Ben needs to do is be patient. But no matter how determined he is to do that, he isn’t Paul. Eventually something is going to have to give.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When Ben eventually emerges from his bedroom, he goes downstairs to find Callum on his hands and knees as he roots around in the cupboard under the stairs. He sighs heavily as he pulls his head out to look at Ben sheepishly.  
  
“What are you doing?” Ben asks.  
  
“I uh, I noticed a while back that you had a lot of stuff in here. I thought I’d give it a sort out.”  
  
“You don’t have to do that.”  
  
Callum shrugs. “To be honest, it helps me think – tidying, organising things.”  
  
Ben nods, unsure how to respond. He wishes Callum would talk to him but they’d tried that this morning and it hadn’t gotten them anywhere. If tidying through Ben’s heap of junk is going to be helpful to Callum, then Ben’s not about to stand in his way.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Callum says. “I should have asked.”  
  
“No, it’s fine. It’s not a problem. I’ll just warn you now though, I don’t know what’s in there.”  
  
Callum smiles. “That’s half the fun isn’t it?”  
  
Ben nods again. This is awkward. He moves past Callum, continuing on towards the kitchen before stopping and turning back.  
  
“I’m making a start on dinner. I know it’s early but I’m starving. Anything you fancy?”  
  
“I might be here a while,” Callum says. “I’ll get something later if that’s okay?”  
  
Ben pastes on a smile and turns towards the kitchen, closing the door behind him and leaning up against it. He sighs. He doesn’t want to think Callum is avoiding him now but he can’t help but feel like there’s an ocean between them and no way to get across. They really need to talk about what’s going on. Ben prays Callum will be ready soon.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Knocking on the door, Ben walks into Callum’s bedroom to find him lying on the bed, eyes closed. It’s dark, but the light shining in from the hallway allows Ben to see that Callum has his earphones in, a portable CD player lying next to him.  
  
Ben smiles and moves towards him, gently placing a hand on Callum’s leg to get his attention. Callum’s eyes open and he pulls the earphones out.  
  
“Hi,” he says, sitting up on the bed.  
  
“You having fun there?” Ben asks. “Trust you to still have one of them things.”  
  
Callum chuckles. “Actually, this is yours. I found it under your stairs amongst a load of other random stuff."  
  
“Ah, well, I did warn you,” he says, looking at the portable CD player in an attempt to recognise it as one of his own. He doesn’t think he’s even seen one of these since he was a child and he certainly wasn’t aware that he had one in the house.  
  
“You’re not wrong though. I do have one of these at home still. There’s just something great about being able to hold a CD or a vinyl you know? Not like these days where everything’s on your phone.”  
  
“I guess so.” Ben could quite happily get into a debate about this only now isn’t the time. He remembers the reason he came here and draws his eyes away from the CD player to look at Callum. “Did you get anywhere with your thinking earlier?”  
  
Callum sighs and shakes his head, looking down at the earphones in his hands. “I don’t know really.”  
  
“Maybe it would help to tell me what you’re thinking?” Ben prompts and hopes he’s not pushing too much. Callum remains quiet and Ben bites at his lip. “Please Callum, don’t shut me out.”  
  
Callum looks up at him and then he’s moving off the bed, closing the gap between them both. Ben watches him and Callum reaches forward to take his hand.  
  
“I don’t want us to fall out Ben. I’ve hated that we’ve barely spoken to each other today.”  
  
Ben feels the warmth of Callum’s hand in his and sees the childlike expression on his face. “We’re not falling out,” he says in an attempt to reassure Callum. “I know how hard this must be for you, but you’re not the only one who’s confused.”  
  
Callum nods, looking down at their joined hands. “I know. Can I just have tonight? Please? I promise we’ll talk tomorrow.”  
  
And maybe this is Callum’s way of just delaying the conversation even more, maybe when tomorrow comes he’ll find another excuse to avoid it, maybe they’ll find themselves running into another brick wall. Just because Callum is promising him, doesn’t mean he’ll stick to it. But Ben finds himself nodding anyway because the little boy lost look on Callum’s face is almost too much for him to bear.  
  
He can wait. One more night he can wait.  
  
Ben leans forward, kissing Callum’s cheek softly and when he draws back he sees Callum looking down at him sadly. Ben tries to smile but it’s taking all of his energy right now not to cry. He squeezes Callum’s hand, pressing their fingers together briefly before taking a step back and leaving the room.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That night, Ben lies in bed awake and tries to ignore the loneliness that seeps through his entire being. He can’t believe how just a few nights of having Callum at his side have resulted in him now being unable to sleep without him. He can’t go to him tonight though. He’s respecting Callum’s wishes and giving him space. So instead, he forces his eyes closed and thinks about tomorrow and how they’ll talk. It’s one night, that’s all it is.  
  
One night and then tomorrow.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for comments, feedback and kudos on the last chapter. The last one was mostly written as preparation for this one. ‘Tomorrow’ has arrived. 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Twelve  
  
  
  
**

Tomorrow had taken a long time to come. Ben had spent the majority of the night awake, something he is fast becoming used to, and when morning had eventually arrived, he hadn’t had the energy to even get out of bed.

The look on Callum’s face when Ben eventually did make it down the stairs suggested that he was feeling rather worse for wear himself. They had spent most of breakfast sitting in silence and although it should have been uncomfortable with the conversation they were due to have looming over them, Ben was too tired to even notice it.

Callum had gone out to the supermarket shortly after that and Ben had taken the opportunity to have a shower and try and wake himself up a bit. When that hadn’t worked, he’d resorted to coffee. He’s now three cups in and it’s not even midday but sitting out in the garden and getting some fresh air seems to have woken him. Then again, he supposes sitting out in the cold and drizzle will do that to a person.

A chill sweeps over him and he wraps his hoodie further around himself. He should probably go inside but he’s a stickler for punishment and sitting outside in the wind and rain feels like just that. He’s not sure what exactly he feels the need to punish himself over. He may have given Callum a little nudge towards the conversation they have planned for today but not talking about it has been tearing them both apart, whether Callum is willing to admit that or not. They simply can’t keep going on as they have been.

Ben can’t help but feel guilty though, like he’s indirectly caused Callum pain without meaning to. Perhaps that’s why he feels this sudden need to punish himself. He wonders if any of this could have been avoided but he knows even if it could have been, Callum would still have been living a lie and surely that is a lot worse. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, he has a bad feeling that he can’t seem to shake.

He thinks he can hear the sound of a door closing and strains to listen over the wind. Moments later, the rustling sound of carrier bags can be heard and he turns to see Callum putting bags of shopping down onto the kitchen floor. It’s a sight he’s grown used to now. Callum has always done the shopping for them ever since lockdown began, apparently not trusting Ben to remember everything they need. If he’s honest, he knows he probably wouldn’t, relying on memory alone instead of writing a list. He feels bad that Callum is the one to do all the work though. Maybe it’s another thing he should be punishing himself for.

Callum pauses when he sees Ben. “What are you doing out there? The door’s wide open, it’s freezing in here.” He moves towards the door, stopping at the ledge. Ben looks up at him from where he’s sat on his deck chair.

“Just felt like some fresh air that’s all,” he responds.

“Wrong type of weather for sunbathing isn’t it?” he says, putting a hand out as if to feel the rain.

Ben shrugs. “I’ll come help you with the shopping and then make us some lunch yeah?”

He stands, folding up the deck chair and heading back inside. Callum looks confused but steps out of the way of the door to let Ben in.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They finish lunch, Callum telling him stories about his trip to the supermarket throughout. Ben hears all about the elderly lady who couldn’t reach a bag of sugar on the top shelf and how no one was helping her. Callum had got it for her though, making sure she understood not to come near him when she’d tried to thank him, and he’d reached for it before putting it in her trolley for her. She had been so appreciative and Callum had once again had to remind her to keep her distance.  
  
“I wasn’t bothered about me, I was bothered about her,” he explains.  
  
Ben smiles and nods in all the right places. It’s not exactly riveting stuff but it’s the kind of thing he enjoys Callum telling him about anyway. He likes that they’re close enough to tell each other about the pointless things that they wouldn’t bother to tell anyone else. It’s nice. It’s the type of thing couples do.  
  
Which reminds him, they’ve been sitting on a conversation all day and it’s now half past one and Callum still hasn’t brought it up. Ben doesn’t want to push him, feels guilty about it enough as it is, but if he doesn’t say anything and Callum doesn’t say anything then what are the chances of this thing between them ever getting sorted out? They’ll just keep going around and around in circles.  
  
Ben feels dizzy just thinking about it.  
  
Standing, he takes their plates over to the sink. He puts them at the side and turns to look at Callum who has his back to him from this angle. Taking a deep breath, Ben returns to the table, brushing a hand gently on Callum’s shoulder as he passes and sitting back down in his chair opposite.  
  
It’s now or never.  
  
“So uh, you said we’d talk today? About what’s been happening?”  
  
He’s nervous and his stomach churns and maybe they should have done this before lunch rather than after it. But even so, he’s not backing out now. They need to do this. Callum looks startled for a moment as if he’s unprepared, but then he’s nodding and looking down at the table.  
  
“You can talk to me about anything you know,” Ben says in what he hopes Callum will take as encouragement.  
  
Callum nods again. There’s a moment of silence before he looks up and says, “I think……I don’t know…..” He pauses before adding, “Maybe we should carry on as we are?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Like, we could say that there’s going to be nights like the other night from time to time? I like…..I like what’s been happening with us.” His cheeks redden as he says it and he looks down at the table again. “You’ve liked it too, right?”  
  
Ben feels a little confused at what exactly Callum is saying but he can’t deny him of the truth. “Yeah, yeah I’ve liked it,” he nods.  
  
Callum looks relieved at that, smiling a little as he looks back up at him. Ben feels like he’s in school again where he and his crush have just admitted to liking each other for the first time. Not that Ben ever had the chance to have that experience when he was at school. He’s certain it would feel a lot like this though. The only difference is that instead of feeling elated, he just feels confused, still unsure of what Callum is trying to say.  
  
“I think – I think it would be silly if I said it can’t happen again only for us to have a repeat of the other night days down the line,” Callum elaborates. “That’s not fair on either of us and I know that now.”  
  
Ben smiles a little. “Okay. Well yeah, I agree that we can’t keep pretending it won’t happen again. And I agree that it wouldn’t be fair on us to do that.” Callum nods and Ben is glad that they’re able to agree on this. It feels like they’re getting somewhere now but he’s still confused. “Uh…….sorry, I’m probably being stupid but what do you mean by carrying on as we are? I’m not following.”  
  
“Oh! Well……” Callum looks just as lost as Ben feels then. He trails off, eyes flicking round the room in thought.  
  
Recognising that Callum is having difficulty expressing himself, Ben attempts to fill in the gaps and just hopes he doesn’t put words into Callum’s mouth.  
  
“You’d like it to keep happening? You like where it’s going?” he questions.  
  
Callum nods and Ben is glad that they’re making progress. Callum may not have the words to explain what he wants or how he feels but Ben thinks he understands enough to be able to move them forward. They can get through this together.  
  
“Okay, me too,” he assures. “And then what?”  
  
“Then what…….what?” Callum asks.  
  
“Well, what happens when lockdown ends and you go home and Whitney comes back?” They’re almost there. They’re so almost there.  
  
“I, I don’t know,” Callum says. “Can’t we just have this for now? We’re mates yeah? Can’t we be mates and have this at the same time?”  
  
Ben feels the momentum that they’ve built over the course of this conversation suddenly come to a crashing halt. His body tenses and his mouth dries and it takes all of his effort to say what he’s thinking.  
  
“What? Like friends with benefits?”  
  
“No, I don’t like that phrase,” Callum responds which is all the confirmation Ben needs.  
  
“It doesn’t matter whether you like it or not; that’s basically what you’re saying Callum.”  
  
Callum sits quietly across from him and Ben feels his defences kick in again. He feels like he’s in a business meeting all of a sudden. They’re sat across from each other at the table and making negotiations that Ben isn’t in the least bit happy about. It’s uncomfortable, an invisible line drawn between them and Ben wonders how something that is going so well can suddenly go so wrong in just the space of a few seconds.  
  
“You talk about it being fair on us Callum, but how is that fair on me? How is it fair on Whitney?”  
  
“What’s wrong with it?” Callum asks. “You’re used to causal hook ups.”  
  
The fact that he hasn’t answered the latter question doesn’t go unnoticed but Ben ignores that in favour of focussing on himself for a moment and trying not take the comment as an insult, even though that’s exactly what it had sounded like.  
  
“It’s different with you,” he says, looking at Callum pointedly.  
  
“What, because I’m not a stranger?”  
  
Ben continues to hold eye contact with the man opposite him. He could tell him why it’s different. He could tell him right now. He could say, _‘I’m in love with you Callum. I don’t want you to be just another hook up.’_ He could so very easily say it.  
  
But he’s also spent years not saying it. He’s spent years hiding it from Callum and he’s not about to tell him now as a way to get what he wants when it’s clear Callum is on a very different page. He doesn’t want Callum to feel obligated out of a sense of pity. Ben deserves better than that.  
  
He takes a moment to try and steady his breath. He can feel himself getting steadily frustrated and he tries to tamper it down.  
  
“Look Callum, I’m really trying to understand, I am, and I want to support you through all of this, but this is madness! You’re not like this. Sex is a big thing for you. It weren’t that long ago that we were sitting on my living room floor and you were telling me that. Don’t you remember?”  
  
“I really don’t know what the problem is Ben,” Callum says.  
  
He has the audacity to look confused about it as well and it’s the last straw for Ben. Callum’s not ready. Callum’s not ready for any of this. They’ve tried but this conversation is getting them nowhere. Ben doesn’t even recognise the man sitting in front of him right now.  
  
He sighs loudly and pushes back his chair from the table. “Maybe I’m not willing to be your experiment Callum.” His voice sounds quivery even to his own ears and yet even now he doesn’t want to unleash his anger onto Callum.  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
  
“Just leave it yeah?” he says, turning and walking out of the kitchen before Callum gets chance to say anything else.  
  
“Ben!” Callum shouts after him.  
  
Without thinking, Ben heads towards the front door. If the door slams on his way out then it’s as much for Callum’s benefit as it is for his.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben sits in front of his house staring out at the street ahead of him. It’s quieter than usual, that is to say that it’s quieter than the average day in lockdown. The wind and the rain seems to be keeping everyone indoors and Ben thinks that if he’d just managed to get any further than his own front door then he may have appreciated a walk knowing he would be unlikely to see any other soul on his journey.  
  
As it goes, he’d got to the bottom of the steps leading up to his house before realisation had hit him. In his haste to leave he had forgotten to put shoes on and it wasn’t until he’d felt the damp from the rain seeping in through his socks that he’d noticed.  
  
Anyone else would have gone back inside, put shoes on, and then continued on their way. But Ben is nothing if not stubborn and the thought of returning indoors and having Callum notice his error made him feel foolish. So he’d sat down on the bottom step and tried to figure out what he was going to do next.  
  
He’s thought about calling Jay or Lola to pass some time only to discover he didn’t have his phone on him either. He’s thought about looking through the letterbox to see if he could see Callum in the hopes that he could return inside for his shoes and get away again unseen. He’s come up with an elaborate plan to climb the drainpipe up to the roof and then shimmy along the gutter until he reaches his bedroom window, but even he knows he’d have to break the window just to get inside.  
  
He’s cold and wet now and no amount of pulling at his hoodie is making him feel any better. His feet are like blocks of ice thanks to the rain that has soaked through his socks and he shivers as he tries to wiggle his toes to try and get some feeling back.  
  
A clap of thunder rolls through the sky above him. Why can’t the world be on his side just this once? He looks up as the rain gets heavier and he pulls his hood over his already wet hair.  
  
The door opens behind him and he stills.  
  
“What are you doing?” Callum asks. He sounds annoyed but Ben refuses to looks at him.  
  
“I’m fine,” he bites back.  
  
“You’re being silly now. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve been sitting out here for almost an hour in this. Come inside.”  
  
Ben sits silently and wills for Callum to just leave him alone. He’s still angry with him over his suggestion that they be friends with benefits of all things and for as long as they’re in the same space, Ben worries he’ll end up saying something he’ll live to regret.  
  
“Ben! You’re going to catch your death out here. Get inside!”  
  
Ben huffs and then he feels Callum’s hands at his shoulders, attempting to pull him up. He shrugs Callum off of him and stands. His muscles ache from where they’ve seized up with the cold but he manages to push his way past Callum to go inside.  
  
Callum follows him, closing the door behind them, and reaches for Ben’s hoodie in an effort to take it off of him.  
  
“I can do it,” Ben mutters. He tries to pull at the zip but he struggles thanks to the very little feeling he has left in his fingers.  
  
“Will you just let me?” Callum takes hold of the zip and pulls it down. Ben tries to wriggle free of the item of clothing but it sticks to him and Callum has to tug at the sleeves to get him out of it. “What were you thinking Ben? I knew I should have come and got you sooner. I just thought you’d come to your senses. Turns out I was wrong.”  
  
Ben sighs, leaning his head on the bannister and closing his eyes. “I really don’t need a lecture.”  
  
“I’m not lecturing you! This isn’t a lecture. This is me being worried about you.”  
  
The scoff escapes Ben before he can stop it and then he’s turning to look back up at Callum. It’s only because he sees the genuine concern in his friend’s eyes that he manages to bite his tongue.  
  
“I’m going for a shower,” he says. He takes his sopping hoodie out of Callum’s hands and heads upstairs.  
  
This time, Callum doesn’t try to stop him from walking away.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben sits in the shower and lets the water cascading down over him bring some warmth back to his bones. He sits there for a long time, eyes closed as he waits for the feeling in his body to come back. He doesn’t allow himself to let go of his anger even as he relaxes under the water’s spray. He needs to be angry; he has every right to be.  
  
Afterwards, he pads back into his bedroom, throwing on his dressing gown over his naked body and feeling the immediate comfort it brings. He lies down on the bed, not bothering about the duvet getting wet from his hair, and closes his eyes once more.  
  
How could Callum ever think that friends with benefits is an answer to all of this? It’s the one thing Ben has been unable to get his head around. It’s not as if he had expected Callum to fully accept and embrace his sexuality so quickly, nor had he expected Callum to have a clear idea about what he wanted. But he’d been prepared to step up and help Callum through it as best he could if Callum had needed him to. He’d been prepared to come away feeling like they had some direction. But he hadn’t been prepared for this.  
  
Thinking about it, he had started getting angry the moment Callum had made that comment about how Ben was used to casual hook up’s. There was something about Callum saying it and the way he’d said it that hurt. He remembers feeling similar on the night they had played Twister. The words have stayed with him ever since:  
  
_“I’m not like you Ben. I can’t have sex with just anyone.”  
_  
Hearing Callum say that had hurt for reasons unknown to Ben. He’d felt ashamed in that moment. He had the same feeling today in the kitchen.  
  
_“You’re used to causal hook up’s.”  
_  
And he is. It was an accurate statement for Callum to make. And yet….  
  
_“Because I’m not a stranger?”_  
  
Callum isn’t a stranger. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe he wishes that Callum would see him differently to how everyone else sees him. Maybe he wishes Callum didn’t know _that_ side of him. That side of him isn’t who he is. Not really. That side of him is terrified to get hurt so sticks to casual because it’s easier. Some days it’s hard to differentiate between the real him and the him he shows to everyone else.  
  
He thought Callum could see the difference though. See the real him. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he never could.  
  
There’s a knock at the bedroom door and Ben opens his eyes. He really doesn’t want to see Callum right now. It’s too soon.  
  
He stays silent hoping that Callum will go away but fully expects him to come in anyway. When he doesn’t, Ben sighs and sits up before walking to the door, assuming he’ll see Callum hovering on the other side.  
  
When he opens the door though, Callum isn’t there and Ben feels a slight sense of relief. He’s about to close the door again when he sees it. There’s a tray on the floor, bowl of soup on top and a plate of crusty bread next to it. A piece of paper sticks out from underneath the plate and Ben reaches down to pick it up. He turns the paper round until he can read what is written on it and immediately feels his heart fall out of his chest.  
  
Written on the paper in Callum’s handwriting are the words _‘I’m sorry x’_.  
  
It hits him then. Guilt catches up to him and he realises just how childish and over dramatic he’s behaved. Callum’s suggestion may have been wrong but only Ben would flounce off in a huff and sit outside in the pouring rain because it wasn’t the answer he had hoped for. Only Ben would let his pride get in the way of letting Callum help him.  
  
Callum is struggling with all of this and Ben has tried to be there and put his own feelings aside but it hasn’t been enough. He should have been doing more. Because really, what do his feelings matter right now when compared with Callum’s pain? Ben is in love and it hurts, but Callum is going through something life changing. Somehow, in trying so hard, Ben has forgotten that along the way. How did he forget that?  
  
He picks up the tray from the floor and takes it over to his bed. Looking down at the soup, he thinks about all the care Callum has shown to him, especially recently. Ben should be the one saying sorry.  
  
Leaving the tray on the bed he goes in search or Callum but doesn’t get any further than a few steps when he hears the sound of the shower. Callum’s in the bathroom then. Which means Ben can’t apologise to him right now. He sighs and traipses back to his room. He’ll have the soup that Callum has very kindly prepared for him and then he’ll go and apologise. It will give him time to think about what he’s going to say.  
  
The guilt and the need to be punished he felt this morning make sense now. So does the bad feeling he had been unable to shake. It’s like some part of him had known how today was going to end and thought it would try and give him a hint in advance.  
  
Well, it hadn’t tried hard enough. But at least Ben can start trying to put it right.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Light shines through the windows signifying a new day. Ben opens his eyes and has to squint against the brightness and it takes a moment for them to adjust. His curtains are open, he’s lying on top of his duvet and he’s in his dressing gown. He tries to make sense of it all but it isn’t until he spots the tray and an empty bowl and plate on the floor beside the bed that he remembers.  
  
He’d finished the soup, Callum had still been in the shower, so Ben had laid down on the bed waiting for him to come out. He must have fallen asleep.  
  
Ben glances at his phone and is surprised to see it’s almost ten o’clock in the morning. He sits bolt upright. How has he been sleeping for so long? How is that possible? He never manages more than a few hours of sleep at a time and usually then it’s interrupted sleep. The only time recently that he’s been able to sleep right through has been when he’s had Callum at his side.  
  
Shit.  
  
Callum.  
  
He needs to apologise to Callum.  
  
He gets up, picks up the tray and heads downstairs. The kitchen is empty which is unusual. Then again, he is awake quite late. Callum will have eaten by now.  
  
Ben goes about putting the kettle on and puts a couple of slices of bread into the toaster. He’ll eat, have a coffee, and wait for Callum to put in an appearance. That’s his plan.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Breakfast passes. Ben washes up. He makes another coffee. Callum doesn’t come downstairs once. Ben shouldn’t be surprised. After yesterday, it makes sense that Callum would want to stay out of his way in case he gets the same treatment today.  
  
Ben doesn’t want to bother him but he really wants to apologise. Then again, maybe he should start thinking about Callum’s wishes for once. Maybe he should give Callum some space. It’s only fair after all the times he himself has sulked off to his room.  
  
The minutes tick by. Ben flicks between channels on the television, stopping at one that is showing repeats of Top Gear. He manages to sit through almost two episodes but Callum is constantly on his mind. When it becomes apparent that Callum isn’t going to come down any time soon, Ben decides the he should at least go and ask him if he’d like any lunch making. Even if Callum doesn’t want to talk to him, Ben can at least show the same courtesy to Callum as Callum had shown to him when he’d made him soup.  
  
He goes upstairs, knocking on Callum’s door gently when he gets there.  
  
“Callum?” he calls. “Do you want some lunch making? A sandwich perhaps?”  
  
Silence.  
  
“Look, I’m – I’m sorry about yesterday. I should have said it sooner. If you don’t want to talk I understand but at least let me make you something.”  
  
Still silence.  
  
“Callum?”  
  
Ben opens the door and stops as he surveys the room. It’s empty. Callum isn’t there.  
  
It doesn’t make any sense. If Callum had gone out for a run or a walk he’d have been back long before now. The same goes for if he had gone to the corner shop or the supermarket. Although he went there yesterday so Ben rules that out straight away.  
  
Callum hasn’t been in the house the entire time Ben has been awake or he’d have heard him go out surely? He’s been awake for almost three hours. Callum doesn’t need three hours to exercise. So where is he?  
  
Ben can feel himself panicking and tries to think rationally but nothing makes sense.  
  
He pulls his phone out of his pocket and scrolls through to Callum’s name. Clicking onto it, he presses the phone to his ear expecting to hear the dial tone. What he gets instead is Callum’s voicemail.  
  
_'Hello! Uh….this is Callum Highway. I can’t get to the phone at the moment so leave a message and I’ll get back to you.'_  
  
Ben ends the call deciding against leaving a message.  
  
He’s not here. He has his phone switched off. Ben feels a chill run down his spine and it seems to confirm what he’d already feared.  
  
Callum has gone.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read, left kudos or commented on the last chapter! I'm glad it is being enjoyed so far. This story is told completely from Ben’s point of view but I’m aware some readers would like an insight into what’s going on with Callum. I hope some light will be shed on that over the next few chapters, but aside from that I’m also considering writing a oneshot or a series of oneshots after this fic is complete of various scenes told from Callum’s perspective. If that’s something you’d be interested in let me know. 
> 
> For now though, enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Thirteen  
  
  
  
**

The ticking of the living room clock is the only sound that cuts through the silence. Ben stands at the window staring out at the street ahead praying Callum will appear. But it’s clear as time wears on that he isn’t going to.

Ben goes into the kitchen with the intention of making lunch. He pulls a plate out of the cupboard and stares down at it before deciding to get a second plate out for Callum. He might come home any minute now. Ben makes a sandwich for him and covers it in cling film. It helps him feel a little better.

Everything feels slow. Too slow. It’s like he’s wading through quicksand, trying to get free but no matter how hard he tries he continues to sink further and further down.

It’s half past two. Ben decides to call Callum again. Sitting down on the sofa, he picks up his phone with trembling fingers and waits.

_‘Hello! Uh….this is Callum Highway. I can’t get to the phone at the moment so leave a message and I’ll get back to you.’_

He sighs. He just needs Callum to answer the phone.

“Callum, where are you?” Ben asks as he leaves a message for Callum. His voice is shaking but that’s the least of his worries. “I’m sorry about yesterday. So sorry. Just……just let me know you’re alright yeah?”  
  
He ends the call and shakes his head. How has he allowed it to get to this point? How has it got to the point where Callum has felt the need to leave like this? Ben thinks about how much he should have been there for him, how he should have put his own feelings aside to help Callum. He berates himself at the thought that Callum no longer wants to be near him.  
  
Looking down at his phone, he waits for the black screen to light up but he knows it’s all in vain. The fact he’s been sent straight through to voicemail each time he’s tried to ring Callum indicates that Callum’s phone is switched off. He probably doesn’t even know that Ben has tried to call.  
  
It dawns on him then that he doesn’t even know when Callum left. Did he go this morning? If Ben had woken earlier would he have been able to stop him? Or did he go last night? Last night Callum had left a note with the soup saying he was sorry. What if he was sorry because he was leaving? What if Ben hadn’t fallen asleep? They could have sorted all of this out.  
  
His minds spins with so many questions and uncertainties. He doesn’t know why Callum left or what he was thinking. Maybe if he’d been more patient, more supportive, maybe then he would have a better idea.  
  
“Where are you Callum?” he whispers, looking out of the window once more. “Where are you?”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It’s four o’clock. Ben paces the house back and forth, can’t seem to keep himself away from the living room window for very long. The more he paces the more agitated he becomes. God, the things he would tell Callum right now if only he could.  
  
Come back.  
  
I’m sorry.  
  
I love you.  
  
Please come back.  
  
He considers calling Callum again but it’s useless isn’t it? Callum won’t answer. Why won’t he answer?  
  
The longer Callum is away, the more Ben realises that his house just isn’t a home without him. He’s grown used to Callum’s presence now. He likes the way his things are dotted around the place, the way just having someone else around seems to fill the silent void somehow. Now, without Callum, he feels like he’s falling into an abyss, no end in sight.  
  
He doesn’t know how many times he paces the house, there’s been too many to count now, but it’s as he enters the kitchen once again that he sees movement in the corner of his eye. Ben looks over to see _the thing_ sitting there on the windowsill. _It_. The squirrel. He has never liked it, can’t understand why Callum is so fond of the rodent, and the way it looks in through the window with its beady eyes fills Ben with irritation as unwarranted as that may be.  
  
He stops pacing, staring at the squirrel who looks back expectantly.  
  
“It’s not breakfast time,” he huffs as if the squirrel will understand him.  
  
It continues to watch him through the window before moving a paw up to its stomach. “He’s not here alright?” Ben says, a little louder this time.  
  
The squirrel remains and Ben sighs, waving his arms at the window. “Shoo!” he shouts, getting angry now. “Shoo! You hear me?”  
  
The squirrel turns slightly but still stays looking in at the window. Ben shakes his head, grabbing the bag of nuts from the side of the unit where Callum has been keeping them and walking over to the back door. He steps out into the garden and throws a handful of nuts onto the ground.  
  
“Happy now?” he snaps as the squirrel hops down from the windowsill. Ben goes back inside, slamming the door behind him without meaning to.  
  
He’s angry. He’s so angry. It’s ridiculous to be mad at a squirrel of all things. But he is because if Callum were here then he’d be out there feeding the damn thing and chatting to it happily as he always does but he’s not here and that’s the problem. He’s _not_ here.  
  
Ben leans against the kitchen unit and hits the top with his hand in frustration. It stings but he doesn’t care. He just wants Callum back, that’s all he wants.  
  
He turns to see the squirrel once again on the windowsill.  
  
“You have got to be kidding me!”  
  
He picks up the bag of nuts that he’d haphazardly thrown down when he’d returned inside and goes back into the garden again.  
  
“Here!” he shouts, throwing more nuts onto the ground. The squirrel stares back at him but doesn’t move. “What more do you want? Here!” He reaches into the bag once more, pulling out more nuts in his fist and throwing them into the air until they scatter around him. “Here! Here! Callum’s gone, alright? He’s gone!”  
  
And then his knees are buckling beneath him and he’s falling to the ground. As if the floodgates have been opened, he feels tears burn hot down his cheeks as he tries to catch his breath.  
  
“He’s gone. He’s gone,” he cries, pressing his hands to his eyes and curling into himself.  
  
If any one of the neighbours were to see him now they would think he’d gone mad. There he is, having an emotional breakdown in his garden and talking to a squirrel called Oliver. Maybe he has gone mad.  
  
“I wish he was here too.”  
  
He looks up only to see that the squirrel is no longer there. Even the squirrel doesn’t want to be around him anymore. He’s on his own.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It’s seven o’clock when Ben hears a key in the lock. He sits in the living room with baited breath and then the front door opens and someone walks in.  
  
 _Callum!_  
  
Ben leaps off the sofa and rushes out into the hallway to see Callum standing there as if waiting for him.  
  
“You’re back!” Ben says in relief as he hurriedly moves towards Callum. “I thought – I thought you’d gone for good. I thought…..God Callum, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I thought you were never coming back!”  
  
“Hey, it’s okay, everything’s okay,” Callum says reassuringly. “Besides, I’m not really allowed to go anywhere else am I? We’re in a lockdown remember?”  
  
He's calm and jokey and not at all angry but Ben feels the sadness set in at the thought that Callum doesn’t really want to be here. He’s only here because he has to be. He looks down at the floor and then feels Callum’s hands on his cheeks, turning his face up to look at him.  
  
“I’m joking Ben,” he says, worried expression on his face. “You didn’t really think I wasn’t coming back did you?”  
  
Ben feels tears spring into his eyes at the sight of Callum in front of him and the feel of his hands firmly placed on his cheeks. He shrugs.  
  
“Ben, I wouldn’t leave without telling you. Not for good. Besides, all my stuff’s still in my room. Think that would’ve been a bit of a give away don’t you?”  
  
He hadn’t even thought of checking the drawers for Callum’s clothes. Why hadn’t he done that? Callum’s belongings were still everywhere throughout the house and yet Ben had jumped to the worst conclusion possible.  
  
“B-but I tried ringing you,” he says.  
  
Callum looks guilty then, taking his hands from Ben’s cheeks. “My phone’s switched off. I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”  
  
“No, _I’m_ sorry,” Ben says, shaking his head. “The way I was yesterday, I’m so sorry Callum.”  
  
“I think we’ve both said and done things that haven’t been brilliant,” Callum says. “But I’m okay. I just needed some time.”  
  
Ben nods. He wants to ask about it but he doesn’t want to risk sending Callum fleeing again.  
  
“I’m going to go for a shower,” Callum says. “Have you eaten yet?”  
  
“No. Haven’t even started making anything.”  
  
“Right, well I’m going to go for a shower and you’re going to order takeout okay? Whatever you fancy. Pizza, Chinese, Indian, whatever. We’ll eat, maybe watch a bit of tele, and then…..Can we talk after that?”  
  
“You don’t have you,” Ben responds. “Not for me.”  
  
“I want us to. For me. A lot has happened and I’ve got things I want to say.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Callum smiles. “You better get ordering then.”  
  
He winks and then heads upstairs. Ben watches him go and wonders what Callum wants to talk to him about. He’s nervous but whatever happens, he’s just glad Callum is back.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They sit and eat in front of the television. Callum is at his side, just a small distance between them, and they sit quietly watching some quiz show that Ben has never seen before. It’s mostly silent between them apart from Callum providing the occasional answer to some of the questions and then getting irate when the contestant on screen gets it’s wrong.  
  
When the programme finishes and the credits roll, Ben puts his now empty pizza box down on the floor and reaches for the remote. He turns off the television and then looks at Callum.  
  
“Hi,” he says softly.  
  
Callum smiles, the light from the lamp in the corner of the living room falling gently on him. “Hi.”  
  
Ben takes a moment to think before saying what he needs to. “I _am_ sorry for yesterday Callum. I’m sorry for pushing you, asking you questions you don’t know the answers to, I’m sorry for being such a prat and walking out on you. I can be moody and childish even at the best of times but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I should have been more understanding and patient and been there for you and I’m sorry I wasn’t. I’m sorry for not being a better friend Callum.”  
  
Callum has been listening throughout his apology, not once interrupting, but he raises a hand now and shakes his head, effectively stopping Ben from continuing.  
  
“You are a good friend Ben. You’re my best friend.”  
  
“Even now? After the way I’ve behaved?”  
  
Callum chuckles. “I hate to break it to you but you being a prat as you put it isn’t exactly new information to me Ben.”  
  
Ben’s eyebrows knit together as he feigns offence but it’s not long before he breaks out into a smile. Callum smiles back before turning serious again.  
  
“You’re not the only one who’s sorry. I’ve got things I’m sorry for too.”  
  
“No Callum,” Ben says because Callum has no reason to be sorry for anything and he hates to think he’s made Callum feel like he should be.  
  
“Please, let me say this,” Callum cuts in before Ben can protest further. “I’m sorry for making that stupid suggestion about us carrying on as we have been. I don’t even know why I said it but you were right, it would have been friends with benefits and I don’t want that for us.” He chews at his lip and Ben can see the anguish on his face when he continues. “This isn’t me. I don’t know who I am anymore.”  
  
There’s tears in Callum’s eyes now and Ben wants to reach out for him and provide whatever comfort he can, but he holds himself back, sensing that Callum needs this moment for himself.  
  
Ben remembers what it’s like to feel so lost that you no longer know who you are anymore. He remembers how the darkness can creep in so slowly that you don’t even know it’s happening until you’re surrounded by it. He knows that feeling of looking in the mirror and not recognising the person staring back at you.  
  
He doesn’t know if Callum feels these things exactly, but he hopes his words may serve as a reminder to Callum that he’s not lost, that Ben still sees him even if Callum can’t.  
  
“You’re Callum Highway,” he starts, fingers itching to reach out. “Fantastic cook, feeder to squirrels, questionable taste in music, my best friend. You’re funny as hell and you’ve got a heart of gold. You’re the kindest, most caring person I’ve ever met. That’s who you are Callum. That’s who you’ll always be, no matter what.”  
  
Callum stares at him as the tears continue to build in his eyes. He quickly swipes one away before it can escape. He’s smiling though, clearly touched by Ben’s description of him and Ben makes a silent promise to himself then that he’ll remind Callum of these things every single day for the rest of his life if it helps Callum remember.  
  
“I’ve missed you today,” Ben adds. “Actually, I’ve missed you the last few days even though we’ve both been here.”  
  
Callum nods, seemingly picking up on his meaning. “I’ve missed you too.”  
  
“Where did you go today?” Ben asks, curiosity getting the better of him.  
  
“Back to my place. I just needed some time out.”  
  
“Why?” It seems like a silly question the moment it comes out of his mouth.  
  
“I needed time to think.”  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh as he remembers their conversation the night he had gone into Callum’s bedroom when he couldn’t sleep. “Silence in the night not do that for you?”  
  
If Callum knows what he’s referring to, he doesn’t let on. “Everything was getting too much. In my head, you know? I kinda started to feel like the walls were closing in and I thought being back at home would help.”  
  
Ben nods. It makes sense that Callum would go back to the flat and he doesn’t know why he hadn’t thought of that when wondering where Callum was. In his panic he’d lost all rational thought. Maybe if he’d taken a moment to properly think he’d have realised that of course that’s where he’d be. It was so obvious.  
  
“It’s not fair on us to carry on as we have been,” Callum continues, breaking Ben out of his thoughts. “As I said, I don’t want that for us; not the way it has been anyway.” He looks down for a moment before settling back further into the cushions behind him. “It’s been hard Ben. Trying to make sense of how I feel. And seeing you has confused me even more.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” he says guiltily.  
  
“Don’t be sorry. This is your house, of course you’re going to be here.”  
  
“No, I’m sorry for making it harder for you,” he clarifies.  
  
“You’re not. There’s just so much going on in my head. I had to get out of the house.”  
  
Ben sits quietly for a moment before asking, “Did it help?”  
  
“It made me realise that the way I feel doesn’t change just because I’m not here. If anything, it confirmed some things for me.”  
  
Their eyes meet as Callum looks back up and there’s something in the way he’s looking directly at Ben with some kind of fierce determination that makes Ben’s breath stutter.  
  
“Like what?” he breathes, fighting to get the words out against the weight of Callum’s stare.  
  
“Things about us. About this. About everything really.” He pauses. “You’re not an experiment to me Ben,” he says firmly. “I don’t know up from down right now and I can’t make sense of anything but you’re not an experiment to me and I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you were. You mean so much more to me than that.”  
  
Ben tries to process what Callum is saying to him but all he can focus on is the way Callum is still looking back at him. He’s still desperate to reach out to him and moves a hand between them on the sofa before pressing his fingers into the cushioning in a bid to stop himself.  
  
He swallows on the lump that seems to have formed in his throat, only now noticing just how dry it has become. He could really do with a drink right now but there’s no chance he’s interrupting this conversation, not when they’ve come this far already.  
  
Callum is waiting on a reply, Ben can tell, but he doesn’t know what to say in response. He’s glad Callum doesn’t consider him to be an experiment but the words he’d spoken yesterday were said in anger. They weren’t true. He’s always known deep down that Callum would never view him as one or treat him in that way. Sometimes he allows his insecurities to get the better of him. It’s not something he’s proud of.  
  
Which brings him to another insecurity that has been niggling away at his mind since the moment Callum had walked through the door.  
  
“Earlier, when you came back, you said it was because you weren’t allowed to be anywhere else. You could have stayed at your place. It’s empty anyway so it wouldn’t have made a difference. I couldn’t have stopped you if you’d wanted to do that.”  
  
The quiet determination in Callum’s eyes ebbs away, instead changing to something so much softer. “You know what really got to me whilst I was back at the flat?” he asks. Ben shakes his head. “How quiet it was. That place hasn’t been lived in for weeks now and I can’t imagine being there through this without you. You’re right. I could have stayed there, but I didn’t want to. Because even though I knew I was coming back here to a conversation I’ve been trying to avoid and even though me and you haven’t exactly been great recently, there was still nowhere else I’d rather be. Not really.”  
  
Ben looks down as he feels Callum’s fingers touch his. His hand is still pressed flat on the sofa between them and Callum covers it gently with his own, not holding but simply providing a comforting warmth.  
  
“I like being here Ben” Callum says, sincerity evident in his voice. “I like being here with you.”  
  
His eyes move from their hands to Callum’s face, soft and earnest beside him.  
  
“I like you being here too,” he responds.  
  
The smile on Callum’s face grows. It’s infectious and Ben can’t help but smile along with him. Two smiling idiots together, that’s what they are. Ben feels the notion of it settle warmly in his chest.  
  
He notices now just how beautiful Callum looks in this light. The glow of the lamp touches his features and illuminates his skin. The blue of Callum’s eyes are so clear and he wonders what Callum sees when he looks back at him. He’s Callum’s opposite. He’s rough and brash with too many hard edges. Callum is gentle and soft and good. And yet, despite their differences, they’ve always seemed to balance one another out haven’t they?  
  
Without breaking eye contact, Ben turns his hand over, careful not to nudge Callum’s larger one away. Palm to palm, Ben doesn’t ask for more, leaving the silent question open for Callum. Callum looks down and Ben’s gaze follows his as Callum slowly links their fingers together.  
  
This isn’t anything new, holding hands, but it feels different; intimate. They fit together don’t they? The two of them.  
  
Ben notices Callum looking at him again. It’s a similar look to the one he held a few minutes ago. He’s so transfixed by it, he doesn’t notice the way Callum is tentatively moving closer until his face is right there next to his own. Callum’s lips hover just over his, barely touching. There’s a question in his eyes that Ben can’t quite comprehend but he stops trying to make sense of it when he feels Callum’s lips brush against his.  
  
His eyes drift closed as he feels Callum against him. It’s like he’s spent the whole day holding his breath and only now he can breathe. How can he feel this way over a simple press of lips? That’s really all it is after all.  
  
He readies himself to deepen the kiss, draw Callum in further but he doesn’t know what this is. It’s the unknown that makes him pull away. Callum looks at him expectantly and Ben squeezes his hand.  
  
“I can’t do friends with benefits,” he says. “Not with you.”  
  
It needs saying. Whatever this is, it can’t be that. He doesn’t feel any clearer over what is happening between them or what Callum wants and he’s not going to push Callum anymore for answers. But he also can’t blindly go along with this either.  
  
“I don’t think I can either,” Callum whispers.  
  
Ben decides the best thing to do is to be clear. They’re at a crossroad. They either continue on, one clear destination in mind, or they stop and get out of the car right now, agreeing never to get back in again. Ultimately, it has to be up to Callum whether he wants to go on this journey with him.  
  
“I need to know that this isn’t all there is. That after this is over you’re not just going to leave me here with nothing.” He feels like he’s mere moments away from taking out his heart right here for Callum to hold. _This is all I have. If you take it, please look after it._ He’s scared of having this only to lose it again once lockdown is over. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get up from that. “If you don’t have the answers yet that’s okay, but…….”  
  
He trails off, not knowing what to say or how to explain.  
  
Callum let’s go of his hand, trails his fingers along Ben’s arm until he reaches his cheek. Ben nuzzles against his palm momentarily. He’s still unprepared for Callum’s words when he says them.  
  
“I like you Ben,” Callum says, attempting a smile though it’s clear he’s nervous all of a sudden. “I want us to be more than this. I don’t know what’s going to happen when all this is done with. Fuck, I don’t know what’s going to happen from one day to the next at the moment. But I know I like you and that this feels different to anything I’ve felt before. I want us to be more; I’m just still trying to work it all out in my head.” He trails his hand back down Ben’s arm, taking hold of his hand once more. “I’m trying Ben. I really am.”  
  
Ben tries to take in all that Callum is telling him. Callum wants more, he wants this. But the words playing over and over in his mind are _I like you, I like you, I like you_. Ben never thought he’d hear Callum say that to him, not in the way he just had. It’s everything Ben could ever have imagined and so much more.  
  
“I don’t want to lose you,” Callum says.  
  
Ben shakes his head firmly, looking back at him. “You won’t.” Because if there’s one thing he knows it’s that no matter what happens, they’ll never lose each other. Ben will never let that happen.  
  
“What are you thinking?” Ben asks after they’ve been silent for a while.  
  
Callum is quiet in his response. “That it scares me, this thing between us.”  
  
“I know.” It scares him too. Scares him how much he feels and how deep he’s fallen.  
  
“It’s real isn’t it?” Callum asks, seeking reassurance now. “I’m not making it up?”  
  
“You’re not making it up.”  
  
Callum looks down at where their hands are joined and smiles a little, though he still looks uncertain. Ben doesn’t know what’s coming next but he knows he’s overwhelmed by the conversation they’ve had, the words spoken between them.  
  
He feels three words on the tip of his tongue begging to be spoken, and even though he’s come close to telling Callum before, this time is feels so natural. It makes it harder to hold back. But he does because he’s going to go at Callum’s pace this time and Callum is undoubtedly drained from the last half an hour alone, never mind today as a whole.  
  
He feels so much though, his heart surging with hope for what could come between them. Callum _likes_ him. Callum _wants_ this. He doesn’t know what’s to come but none of that matters right now. Here in this moment, he’s happy.  
  
Ben could jump for joy, he could cry at the beauty of it all, but all he feels is wonderment of the man sitting beside him. He’s also still stunned at what is happening, all the possibilities. None of it feels real even though he’d told Callum otherwise. If he pinches himself will he wake up from a dream? He doesn’t think he’s ever had a dream quite so wonderful.  
  
“What are you smiling about?” Callum asks, breaking him out of his thoughts.  
  
“You. Only you.” It’s cheesy and he cringes as he says it but the way Callum breaks out into a smile of his own makes it worth it.  
  
“Can I kiss you again?” Callum asks, blush rising on his cheeks.  
  
Ben nods and then Callum is kissing him gently. Simply. Perfectly. It’s nothing more than a brief brush of lips before he’s breaking away but Ben breathes in the moment, closing his eyes and trying to commit it all to memory.  
  
“Will you stay with me tonight?”  
  
Ben opens his eyes to see Callum looking back at him questioningly.  
  
“Not……” Callum pauses. “Not to……I just mean to sleep. I’m tired and, well I’d like you there.”  
  
Ben smiles and nods, too speechless to say anything. After the last few days having Callum by his side sounds good. It sounds more than good.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They lie in bed that night wrapped up in one another, Callum with his arms around Ben’s waist, Ben holding on tightly, fingers clasped between Callum’s. He doesn’t know why, but he wants to be as close as possible to Callum right now. Perhaps he’s afraid that when he wakes it will all have been a dream and Callum will no longer be there, perhaps he’s trying to provide whatever comfort he can to the other man after what has been an exhausting day.  
  
Things aren’t perfect, not by a long shot. There’s a long road ahead for Callum, this is just the start, and the possibility that along that road Callum may change his mind about them, lies heavily in his mind. But this is the start of something surely? There’s hope in the horizon.  
  
Ben closes his eyes and presses a smile into the pillow beneath him. Callum’s fingers are still locked in his when he finally drops off to sleep.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who left kudos or commented on the last chapter! And thank you also for the feedback on Callum POV's. I've got some ideas in mind for a series of oneshots once this fic is complete so I'll get round to writing those as soon as I can. 
> 
> I got a bit carried away with writing this chapter so it's longer than usual! Oops! 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Fourteen  
  
  
  
**

He wakes in Callum’s arms. At first he thinks he’s imagining it but no, he can feel the warmth of Callum’s body behind his, soft and real. He smiles to himself. Callum is here. Callum likes him. Callum wants.

Ben is hesitant as he rolls over, being careful not to disturb Callum. He needn’t have worried because when he turns it’s to see Callum’s eyes staring back at him.

“Ah, good morning sleepy head,” Callum smiles, his words quiet.

“Morning,” Ben responds, smiling back at him. “How long have you been awake?”

“Ages. Thought you were never going to wake up. I’m starving!”

Ben chuckles, wriggling closer. “Well why haven’t you gone downstairs already? You know I’m always up after you.”

“Because I wanted to stay here with you for a bit longer.”

It’s the sweetest thing he has ever heard Callum say. He’s just thinking of a response when Callum smirks.

“Speaking of being up……” Callum lowers his eyes over Ben’s body.

Ben stills. He hadn’t even realised. They’re under the covers but pressed together close enough that it’s no surprise that Callum can feel how hard he is. He feels flushed all of a sudden, not wanting Callum to get the wrong idea.

“Sorry,” he says. “Just a natural response to waking up next to a fit bloke. I’m not hinting at anything. It’s not on purpose I swear.”

Callum laughs, rolling onto his back, shoulders shaking. “I know how it works Ben! You don’t have to explain to me. It’s nice that you want to though.”

“Yeah well I didn’t want – "

Callum laughs all the more, the sound loudly erupting from him.

“Alright, shut up!” Ben says, pushing at his shoulder gently.

“Sorry, sorry,” Callum breaths, calming down a little. He smiles at Ben and says, “I’m happy that's all.”

Ben smiles back at him. He’s happy too and he’s glad Callum is because he deserves to be. But he knows that this isn’t a Happy Ever After for them. There’s so much that still stands in their way.

“And I’m hungry,” Ben responds as his stomach grumbles.

“Okay, okay.” Callum moves to sit up but pauses. “What you said, do you really think I am?”

Ben looks at him, trying to think back on their conversation but his mind is hazy. “Think you are what?” he asks.

“You know, what you said, about waking up next to a fit bloke.” Callum blushes as he says it, looks almost embarrassed for even asking.

“Oh!” Ben grins. “You’re just fishing for a compliment are you?”

Callum shrugs and sits up in the bed properly. He smiles, a sparkle in his eye when he says, “Compliments will get you everywhere.”

“Really?” Ben says, a teasing lilt to the question.

“Food Ben. I meant food!”

“Course you did.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They eat breakfast in bed. Two slices of buttered toast each. Ben had queried where the jam was but Callum had said there was no way he was risking getting sticky jam on the sheets. Ben’s argument was that they were his sheets and that they’d had worse on them, earning him a disapproving glare.  
  
It feels like they’ve built a little cocoon for themselves here in the bedroom. It feels like they’re hidden away from the rest of the world. The sheets are warm and if he just moves his leg slightly he’d be able to rub his foot along Callum’s.  
  
He doesn’t though. Instead there’s something he needs to know.  
  
“So, what’s the plan? Do you have one?”  
  
Callum puts down his empty plate. “What for? Today?”  
  
“I mean, well, yeah, today, but also the days after that. I know you said you don’t know what’s going to happen from one day to the next and that’s fine, I get it, but do you have any kind of plan in mind?”  
  
“For me or for us?”  
  
Ben shrugs. “Both?”  
  
“Okay.” He turns slightly in the bed, resting half of his body against the headboard to make himself comfortable and looks directly across at Ben. “I meant what I said last night Ben. I like you. A lot.”  
  
Ben feels like his heart expands in his chest. He’ll never tire of hearing that. “I like you too,” he nods, the admission causing his own cheeks to flare. It’s an understatement and not the complete truth but now isn’t the time for declarations of love, not with so many uncertainties still.  
  
“You do?” Callum asks, surprised.  
  
“Yeah,” Ben laughs. He wonders how Callum has never noticed it.  
  
Callum smiles and looks shy for a moment before continuing. “Right, well, I kinda want to see where this could go. If that’s something you want? I don’t know what this is but it feels good. It…..it feels nice.”  
  
Ben takes hold of his hand and squeezes it gently. “I know this is hard Callum.”  
  
Callum nods, looking down at their linked hands. “Yeah. I feel like…..” He pauses. Ben waits silently. “I feel like I’ve got a picture of something but it’s all distorted. Like, I can’t work out what it is. You know like in those quiz shows where they show you a really zoomed in picture and you have to guess what it is? Or like in Catchphrase where you don’t get the full picture. Have you ever seen that?”  
  
“No,” he responds, trying to follow Callum’s analogies. “But I know what you mean. I understand.”  
  
Callum looks at him closely, like he’s searching for something. Then he nods slowly and says, “I know you do.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So you want to see where this could go?” Ben asks a little while later.  
  
They have continued the day in bed, occasionally leaving the room to make cups of tea and coffee but it has quickly become apparent that this is going to be a pyjama and duvet day.  
  
They had fallen quiet after their short conversation earlier, Callum seemingly going into his own world. Ben had stayed beside him waiting for Callum to say more but he never had. They’ve made small talk and laughed together over silly mundane things but the conversation of earlier hasn’t been broached again since.  
  
Not until now.  
  
“Yeah, if you do?” Callum responds.  
  
“I do yeah. What else do you want?”  
  
Callum pauses in thought before saying, “I want to kiss you. All the time.”  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh. “Well I want that too but I was actually meaning something else.”  
  
Callum looks puzzled and Ben cocks his head to the side, hoping the serious look he adopts for himself will be enough for Callum to understand. “You know there’s something we can’t ignore right?”  
  
“Oh,” Callum says, and yes, he understands. “Whitney?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Callum looks down at his knees and nods to himself. “I have to end things with her. I haven’t forgotten about her. I just don’t know how to tell her.”  
  
“Do you know _what_ you’re going to tell her?” Ben asks, wondering how much of an explanation Callum will be able to give if he’s yet to understand any of this himself.  
  
Callum shakes his head sadly and looks back at him. “I don’t want to hurt her Ben.”  
  
“I know you don’t.”  
  
“I have to tell her something though don’t I? I owe it to her to end it. I should have ended it weeks ago after the night we first……” He trails off and sighs, shaking his head again. “But I didn’t know…..I don’t know….”  
  
“Hey,” Ben says softly. “I can’t tell you what to do or say, but I’m here for you, if you need me to be.”  
  
“She’s going to want to know why I’m breaking up with her. She’s going to have so many questions. But I don’t know any of the answers Ben!”  
  
Noticing he is becoming upset Ben leans forward, pulling Callum into him and hugging him as best he can from where they’re both sitting on the bed. It’s uncomfortable but he hopes it helps anyway. He knows Callum is right. Whitney will have questions and even if Callum is starting to understand what is happening, who he is, he doesn’t have the words for it yet.  
  
Callum could come up with a litany of excuses but Whitney wouldn’t believe a single one, not out of the blue like this and certainly not without good reason. He knows Callum and he knows Callum will want to tell her the truth but the only truth he seems to know right now is that he’s had sex with someone else who he’s started to develop feelings for. Ben doesn’t even know if Callum recognises them as being _feelings_.  
  
If that’s what Callum tells Whitney she’s going to work it out before Callum gets chance to. She’ll know exactly what Ben does - that Callum is gay. That’s something he has to work out himself though. It’s the reason Ben hasn’t pushed him on it.  
  
“I don’t deserve hugs,” Callum says after he pulls away.  
  
“Yeah you do. You’re being too hard on yourself.”  
  
“I’m cheating on her!” Callum shouts, before closing his eyes and pressing his face into the palms of his hands. Ben waits a moment before gently pulling them away and holding them in his own. Callum looks at him. “I’m sorry for shouting,” he says, eyes a little red from how hard he has pressed his hands to them. “I didn’t mean to.”  
  
“I know,” Ben replies, offering him a small smile. “We don’t have to do this, you and me. We’ve got all the time in the world, there’s no rush.”  
  
Just saying those words is scary. Ben is desperate for this, for them. He’s scared that if they don’t grab it now then it will disappear and he’ll never get the chance again. But Callum has to come first. No matter how much Ben wants this, if Callum needs to wait, they will wait.  
  
“It’s a bit late for that now don’t you think?” Callum says. “We’ve already gone there.”  
  
“So then we stop,” Ben suggests, hating the way he feels at the mere thought of it.  
  
“How are we meant to do that Ben? We can sit here right now and say we won’t do anything but that’s never going to happen. We can’t keep away from each other can we?”  
  
The comment hits Ben, making his heart grow evermore. It’s just another reminder that Callum wants this as much as he does. They can’t keep away from each other. It’s reciprocated. After all these years, it’s finally reciprocated. It shouldn’t be such a relief but it is.  
  
But even so, Callum is right.  
  
“Not my fault I’m so irresistible,” he teases in an attempt to lighten Callum’s mood a little.  
  
“Oh is that right?” There’s a small smile on Callum’s face at the remark but it fades as quickly as it comes. “If we try to hold back it’ll end up being like the last few weeks all over again.”  
  
They fall quiet again and Ben tries to think of other ways they can make this work but he comes up with nothing.  
  
After a while, Callum says, “Even if I knew what to tell her, even if I had the answers, how am I meant to do it over the phone? No one wants to get…..” He sighs. “I am such a horrible person.”  
  
“You’re not Callum,” Ben tells him firmly.  
  
“I didn’t imagine this. _Me_ breaking up with _her_. I knew we might not stay together forever but I never thought I’d be the one…..” He groans out in frustration of himself.  
  
Ben hates to see Callum like this. Callum is so caring and kind. He would never want to hurt anybody.  
  
“There’s going to be times where you have to break up with people. That’s just life. What about those girls you were seeing before Whitney? You must have ended things with them?”  
  
He thinks back on how Callum had been on dates with a few different girls in the couple of years before he had met Whitney. Callum had dated them for a few weeks or a couple of months at the most and then they would disappear for seemingly no reason.  
  
“She wasn’t the one,” or “We weren’t right for each other,” were the explanations Callum had given whenever Ben and Jay had asked. Ben hadn’t ever questioned it. He had believed Callum hadn’t wanted to settle down.  
  
“They were different,” Callum says now. “It was just a few dates here or there. Me and Whit have been together for a year now. I can’t just bin her off over the phone. I care about her.”  
  
“Skype? Facetime?” Ben jokes. He regrets it straight away.  
  
Callum glares at him. “This isn’t funny Ben! She deserves more than that.”  
  
“I know, I’m sorry.”  
  
“I need to tell her in person,” Callum says, decisively.  
  
Ben pauses before stating the obvious. “We’re in lockdown.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“So how – "  
  
“I don’t know.”  
  
He decides to let the subject lie there. He doesn’t have any solution and it’s clear Callum doesn’t either. Maybe there isn’t one. He’s still uncertain as to what it will mean for the two of them in the long term but he’s going to take Callum’s lead on this. He has to.  
  
Callum’s time away from the house yesterday has done wonders in helping him acknowledge what he wants but he’s still very much in the thick of the woods, unable to see anything further. Looking at him now, Ben can see how confused and lost he looks. It’s a stark contrast to how happy he had been this morning. He wishes he could bring Callum some of that happiness back, give him something to be hopeful about, show him that there’s sunlight beyond the trees.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“So this is what you’ve been doing!” Callum grins as he walks into the living room that evening.  
  
They had spent most of the day curled up in bed, talking back and forth with occasional moments of silence interspersed. Ben still couldn’t get over the feeling that this is real.  
  
Callum had said they both ought to have showers at some point in the day and Ben had gone to make dinner whilst Callum had done just that. He had said that considering they were having a lazy day, they should just get takeaway but Callum had protested saying they couldn’t have takeaways two nights in a row and that if Ben didn’t want to cook, then there was surely something in the freezer that would be easy to put in the oven.  
  
Now Callum is smiling at him, looking at the floor where Ben has laid out a tartan blanket. Ben is sitting at the corner of it, a plate of cubed cheese on sticks, bowls of crisps and an assortment of dips in front of him.  
  
“Had to keep it a surprise didn’t I?” Ben responds as Callum comes nearer.  
  
“You weren’t exactly subtle about it Ben,” he chuckles. “What is all this then?”  
  
“It’s a picnic!”  
  
Callum sits across from him on the blanket and smiles. “I can see that. But why?”  
  
Ben could just say he felt like it but Callum would see through that. So instead, he tells him honestly, “Hoping to cheer you up a bit.”  
  
Callum’s smile softens. “Like that day you tried to bring The Vic here.” It’s not a question. He already knows.  
  
“Yeah,” he answers anyway. “Kind of. I just thought with everything going on it might be nice. We can put a movie on if you like?”  
  
“You didn’t have to do this Ben.”  
  
“We don’t have to. I’ll get rid of it all if it’s too much?” He looks at the blanket in front of him and thinks that maybe Callum isn’t ready for something like this just yet. It’s just a picnic, it isn’t supposed to mean anything, but what if Callum thinks it does and feels pressured.  
  
“No, it’s lovely,” Callum says before Ben can start moving everything. “I just mean, you don’t need to do anything out of the ordinary for me to try and cheer me up. Just being around you is the only thing I need.”  
  
Ben smiles at that, feeling the way it warms his insides. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to Callum saying things like this.  
  
Seemingly oblivious to the way his words effect Ben, Callum reaches for a crisp and dips it into one of the dips.  
  
“Hmm, my favourite,” he says as he reaches for the remote. “What we watching then?”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They’re halfway through the movie when Ben feels Callum’s hand brush his. At some point they have moved closer on the blanket, gravitating towards each other without realising. Now they are sitting side by side, backs against the sofa, legs sprawled out in front of them.  
  
Ben looks down at Callum’s hand next to his, his finger tentatively reaching out to Ben’s own, grazing gently before retreating again. He looks at Callum, expecting to see his eyes fixed on the television, but instead Callum is looking down at their hands, watching his own movements carefully.  
  
As if feeling Ben’s gaze on him, Callum looks up, pausing in his movements.  
  
When Callum doesn’t say anything, Ben whispers, “You can hold my hand if you want to.”  
  
After a moment, Callum takes it, wrapping Ben’s hand in his own. He doesn’t break eye contact, fixing Ben with his own gaze and _oh_ , they’re _here_ again.  
  
Ben has come to recognise this now. He knows what’s coming even before it does and he lowers his eyes to Callum’s lips just before Callum is kissing him softly. Ben kisses him back because that has become his natural response. He could never refuse Callum of anything.  
  
Keeping hold of Ben’s hand, Callum places his free one on Ben’s cheek, cupping the side of his face as he deepens the kiss. Ben licks inside Callum’s mouth and Callum opens up for him, allowing him deeper, closer.  
  
Ben isn’t sure how long they kiss for, but when they break apart they’re both breathless, lips red and swollen.  
  
“I don’t really want to watch this anymore,” Callum says referring to the movie that is playing away to itself in the background.  
  
Ben sees the way Callum looks at him, something dark and desperate in his eyes. “What do you want?”  
  
“I don’t know much of anything right now, but I know I want this. I want you.”  
  
He kisses Ben again then, a bruising kiss that leaves his skin tingling. He feels it down to the very tips of his toes but before he has chance to properly kiss back, Callum is pulling away and standing, tugging on Ben’s hand.  
  
He swallows, nervous all of sudden, before standing and taking Callum’s lead. The movie plays on but Ben doesn’t give it a moment’s thought. He follows Callum all the way upstairs into Callum’s bedroom and when they get there Callum turns to him, waiting.  
  
Ben looks at him and after a moment he closes the door plunging them into darkness, the only light coming through the curtains from the streetlamps outside.  
  
Now that they’re here, Callum appears to have lost the surety he had downstairs. He worries his lip between his teeth and can’t seem to stand still.  
  
“You’re allowed to change your mind you know,” Ben says, offering Callum an out.  
  
“I want this.”  
  
Ben nods. “Why don’t we take it slow? Whatever you’re comfortable with yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Callum doesn’t move and Ben really wants to take Callum’s lead but it’s clear he’s waiting for guidance. So Ben moves forward, kissing Callum’s cheek softly before moving to his mouth.  
  
This is so different to anything they’ve ever done before. The moment feels like it has so much weight to it, like it means so much more now.  
  
Ben draws back to gage Callum’s reaction. He still looks nervous but he lifts a hand to the back of Ben’s neck to pull him back in.  
  
They eventually make it to the bed, Callum moving down onto it and Ben falling with him. They kiss and they kiss and Ben almost forgets that this is leading somewhere until he feels Callum’s hand tugging on the bottom of his t-shirt. Ben lifts himself, allowing Callum to remove it.  
  
After that it’s easier. Callum doesn’t hold back as much and Ben follows in his stride until they’re both skin to skin. Ben has never felt anything like it. Callum has a look of complete wonder on his face as he gazes at Ben, a look Ben feels must be mirrored on his own face. This is the first time they have fully undressed and even though Ben has never been in any doubt, he’s still in awe at how beautiful Callum is.  
  
Callum traces his fingers lightly across Ben’s chest, tracking them over to his shoulders and arms and then back again. Ben lets him map out his body, feeling the way Callum’s touch lights sparks beneath his skin.  
  
Ben reaches for him, kissing him again and pulling him closer. It’s easy to get lost in Callum, to fall so deeply into him and want to stay there forever. Forever wouldn’t be long enough.  
  
Callum moves his lips to Ben’s jaw and down his neck, lightly nipping at the pulse point before continuing down his chest. It’s all Ben can do but to hold on and let Callum take over. He lets out a moan that he doesn’t even recognise as his own but he knows it is by the feeling of Callum’s smile growing against his torso as he continues to kiss and lick his way down.  
  
“So good,” Ben manages to croak out.  
  
Callum reaches his hipbone and noses at the base of his cock causing Ben’s hips to jolt.  
  
“C-Callum, don’t wanna rush you, but if you tease me like that I’m going to end up having a very embarrassing moment in a bit.”  
  
Callum laughs, lifting his head to look up at Ben and _god_ , everything about this is so good. Callum looking up at him like that is an image he never thought he’d see and it’s too much. It’s all too much.  
  
“I thought I was the newbie here?” Callum jokes.  
  
“You seriously have no idea what you do to me do you?” Ben retorts, dropping his head back into the pillow for a moment before looking back at Callum who is smiling at him now.  
  
Ben has spent years waiting for Callum. They’ve hooked up three times now but this time is so much different. His emotions are heightened just from knowing that he gets to keep it this time, that Callum wants this and him and them.  
  
In the times before, Ben has been the one to take control, allowing Callum to enjoy and learn. But now, Callum has taken over and just the feeling of his fingers dancing across his body was enough to almost push Ben over the edge nevermind everything else.  
  
“There's something I’ve been wanting to try,” Callum starts, nervous again.  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“I’ve not - , well, I don’t know…..” he pauses, struggling now. “I don’t know how to…..”  
  
Ben tilts his head indicating for Callum to move closer. Callum moves up his body, stopping when they’re face to face again.  
  
“Whatever it is, I’m here. It’s just me remember. We’ll do this together.”  
  
“That’s what I want. Us together. You can say no but…….I’d like to be inside you.”  
  
Ben could laugh. It’s so very Callum to be polite about it. But he’s so shocked by Callum’s admission that it stops him in his tracks, unable to process anything else.  
  
“Would that be okay?” Callum asks when Ben doesn’t give him a response.  
  
Ben nods wordlessly before finding his voice and saying, “Yeah. I……yeah.”  
  
Callum smiles for a moment before it falters again. “I’ve never done this Ben.”  
  
“I know. I’ll take you through it. Together yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Ben presses a kiss to Callum’s lips once more. “Bad timing I know, but I need to go and get stuff from my room.”  
  
Callum shakes his head and stretches towards the bedside drawer, opening it before pulling out a bottle of lube and a condom.  
  
“How have you…..?” Ben wonders.  
  
“I had a scout around in your room earlier. Thought they might come in handy at some point.”  
  
Ben takes the bottle from him and sits up.  
  
“Oh, I get it! You root around under my stairs, now you’re going through my bedroom draws, what’s next Callum? You gonna start organising my kitchen cupboards as well?”  
  
Callum grins, nerves disappearing. “Maybe.”  
  
“Proper moving in aren’t you! And as for this,” he says, waving the bottle at Callum, “Talk about being presumptuous!”  
  
“I like to be prepared,” Callum explains.  
  
“I’ve noticed. Right, enough chat. You want to do this? Or shall I show you?”  
  
Callum holds his hand out. “I want to. But you need to tell me what I'm doing. I don't want to hurt you.”  
  
“You won’t,” Ben smiles as he squeezes some of the lube onto Callum’s fingers. “You never could.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When Callum eventually pushes into Ben shortly afterwards, Ben feels as though the wind rushes out of him. Having Callum in that way is something he never thought he’d have and when it happens it’s like nothing he could ever have imagined.  
  
Callum is tentative as always, carefully pushing into Ben and making sure he’s doing it right, making sure it’s good for Ben. This is the first time Callum has done this and yet his first thoughts are with Ben.  
  
Callum is moaning out from above him though, and they manage to work out a rhythm quickly enough. Not that it matters to Ben. He’s with Callum so it was always going to be better than anything he’s ever experienced with anyone else.  
  
“You good?” he asks, checking in with Callum, making sure to care just as much for him in return.  
  
“Fuck Ben,” he moans out. “Never knew…….This is……”  
  
Callum can’t find the words but Ben understands anyway. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”  
  
He reaches out for Callum’s hand, entwining their fingers together. Callum opens his eyes and looks down at Ben and for a moment it’s just the two of them getting so completely lost in one another.  
  
Reminiscent to their first night, Callum presses his forehead against Ben’s. He feels Callum’s breath on his cheek, feels the slide of their bodies as they move together and focuses on Callum’s eyes intently. He wants to remember everything about this.  
  
“Ben? Ben, I’m - "  
  
“Yeah,” Ben nods as Callum’s squeezes his hand tightly.  
  
Within moments Callum is spilling into the condom, Ben not far behind him, and then collapsing on top of him. They breathe heavily together before Callum is pulling out of Ben, somehow managing to pull himself up to move over to the bin.  
  
Ben doesn’t think he has the energy to move at all. Sweat and cum cools on his sink as he tries to catch his breath.  
  
He closes his eyes, opening them again when he hears the door creak open. He worries as Callum leaves the room, panicking about whether to go after him. But before his brain gets chance to go into overdrive, Callum is returning, face cloth in hand and climbing back onto the bed beside him.  
  
“What’s that for?” he asks, even though it’s an obvious question.  
  
Callum leans forward to gently wipe at Ben’s skin. “Thought we could do better than cleaning up with a t-shirt this time.”  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh and hopes Callum can’t see just how overwhelmed he is by the care and attention Callum is giving him. He feels like their roles have somehow been reversed. That it’s Ben’s first time and Callum’s the one with the experience.  
  
But then Callum is putting the facecloth down and lying down beside Ben, pulling the duvet over him as he says, “Thank you,”  
  
And that’s a surprise.  
  
“You’re welcome?” Ben questions. He’s never had anyone thank him after sex.  
  
“For normalising it. Helped me to forget how nervous I was.”  
  
“It is normal Callum,” Ben tells him.  
  
Callum smiles. “I just meant, it felt natural with you. Just us being us, you know? You didn’t make me feel like I was the weird one with no clue what I was doing. Thank you.”  
  
“Well, for a first timer you were _really_ good. And I’m not even just saying that.”  
  
And he’s not. Ben has had sex many times with many different men, and it was clear to him just how inexperienced Callum was. And yet Callum had made Ben come alive in way he’d never felt before, it was like he had in some way breathed life into him and Ben was now looking at the world with a new vibrancy. It was Callum and it was them and it was perfect in so many way.  
  
Callum’s smile widens at the compliment and he lowers his eyes, a blush forming on his cheeks.  
  
“Was is good for you?” Ben asks.  
  
“You have to ask?” Callum grins back at him. “Yeah. Yeah, it was.”  
  
Ben leans close, kissing at Callum’s lips just briefly before returning Callum’s smile and letting his eyes wonder across his face.  
  
Callum falls asleep first, their legs intertwined and hands clasped between them. Ben smiles and closes his eyes, drawing their hands up to his chest and holding them there. Minutes later, he too is asleep.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for all the feedback on the last chapter. I'm really glad this story is being enjoyed so far! To everyone who left kudos or a comment, thank you! 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Fifteen**  
  
  
  
  


“Can you imagine being a hundred years old?” Ben says as he reads through the news article on his phone. “I mean, that’s an achievement in itself isn’t it?”

“You on about Captain Tom?” Callum asks from somewhere in the background.

Ben is sitting at the kitchen table, finishing off the last of his coffee, whilst Callum moves around in the hallway behind him.

“They had a fly over for him and everything. All these army jets! And he got thousands and thousands of cards; can you believe it?”

“Deserves it though,” Callum responds. “All that money he’s raised for the NHS.”

Ben shakes his head in amazement, looking at the pictures taken on the previous day. “Bet they showed the flypast on the news. Shame we missed it.”

“Yeah well, we were a bit busy weren’t we?”

He chuckles at Callum’s comment and remembers how they had spent much of yesterday holed up in Callum’s bedroom, apart from when they had moved downstairs for a few hours to watch a movie that had resulted in them going back up again.

Ben smiles at the memory of last night, the way Callum had been so sure of himself and so caring even though it had been his first time. One of his firsts anyway. He can still feel the way Callum’s hands had caressed his skin, the way his mouth had nipped and licked and kissed, the way he had moved inside him, over him, everywhere around him.

A large tin of paint appears on the table in front of him, breaking Ben out of his thoughts which is probably just as well. He mentally tries to stop the way his cock twitches with interest at the images in his mind and focusses instead on the tin in front of him.

“What’s that?” he asks, though he can quite clearly see what it is.

“I thought we’d do some painting,” Callum says, smiling from above him.

Ben looks at the tin, though he doesn’t recall ever buying it. “Where did you find it?”

“Under the stairs the other day when I was sorting out under there. Doesn’t surprise me you had no idea it was there. There’s no organisation anywhere in this house!”  
  
Ben rolls his eyes and moans, “Not this again.”  
  
“Your kitchen cupboards are sorted by the way. I did that this morning before you got up.”  
  
“I was joking about that!” he says in response, remembering the way Callum had told him about how he’d rummaged around Ben’s bedroom to find lube and condoms and how Ben had joked that Callum would end up sorting through his cupboards next.  
  
“Well I wasn’t,” Callum says. “They needed something doing to them. I told you this last week remember. I’d have done it then but you got me playing Cluedo instead.”  
  
Ben huffs at that. He stands from the table and moves over to the cupboards.  
  
“What have you done with them?”  
  
He opens a cupboard to see how ordered it suddenly looks, less of a miscellaneous jumble and now more categorised in some sort of system.  
  
“I tidied them Ben. They were a mess.”  
  
Ben rolls his eyes again and opens the next cupboard along, quietly admitting to himself that they do look a lot better than they had.  
  
He turns back to look at Callum.  
  
“And that?” he asks, motioning to the tin of paint on the table.  
  
“For the back door,” Callum explains as if it should be obvious.  
  
“But that’s blue. My back door is brown.”  
  
Callum turns the tin so the front of it is facing Ben and pointedly taps at the wording on the front. “It’s navy actually. And it’ll look so much better. Navy is……” He pauses in thought. “It’s homely.”  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh. “That’s great Callum, but you do remember this isn’t actually your home don’t you?”  
  
“A fresh lick of paint will do it some good,” Callum smiles sweetly, effectively winning Ben round to the idea almost immediately.  
  
“Fine,” Ben moans, feigning annoyance. “It’s not like I’m going to win this argument anyway is it?”  
  
Callum looks positively gleeful. “Nope!” he responds, bouncing backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet.  
  
Ben rolls his eyes affectionately. This is something else he has to admit will probably look better with Callum’s input. The brown paint on the back door has been chipping away for a long time, weathered by storms even before Ben had moved in. He doesn’t remember ever buying the tin of navy paint, nor what he would have bought it for in the first place, so if this is something that will make Callum happy then Ben has no reason to stand in his way.  
  
“It’s a good job I…..” he trails off, stopping the words that had been on the tip of his tongue from slipping out.  
  
Now that they’re making progress and they’re both being more open about their feelings for one another, it’s getting harder for Ben to stop himself from divulging exactly what he feels for Callum. There will come a time for that, he’s sure of it now, but it’s still too soon.  
  
Callum is looking at him expectantly and Ben realises he still hasn’t finished his sentence.  
  
“It’s a good job I think you’re fit isn’t it?” he says instead, providing Callum with confirmation of the question he had never answered the previous morning.  
  
Callum blushes immediately and Ben sends a wink his way which only makes him blush more.  
  
“Right, I’ll leave you to it then,” Ben smiles as he starts heading out of the kitchen.  
  
Callum makes a grab for his arm, stopping him from leaving. “You don’t think I’m doing this by myself do you? You’re helping too!”  
  
Ben’s shoulders sag and there’s so much that he could say but it’s like Callum has him wound round his little finger. Ben can never say no to him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That’s how thirty minutes later, he’s back in the kitchen again, standing in an old t-shirt and jogging bottoms. He’s spent ten of those minutes arguing with Callum over better ways to spend their time even though they both know nothing he says will stop Callum from going ahead with his grand plan to paint the back door.  
  
It’s not like he’s shy of hard work but in Ben’s opinion they could be watching a movie, or they could playing board games or whiling away the hours listening to music or, you know, having sex. Ben definitely wouldn’t be against _that_ idea.  
  
But instead Callum wants to spend the time outside on what looks to be a cold and cloudy day painting a door that could be done without Ben’s help. Ben could happily sit by and watch from the inside. And then afterwards he could drag Callum upstairs and help him wash all the paint off in the shower.  
  
Ben presses his teeth into his tongue and bites down in an attempt to distract himself from thoughts of Callum and sex. He doesn’t know what’s got into him today. The images of last night still swirl around his mind and now that he knows he doesn’t have to hold back from Callum, it’s like all he wants to do is strip him of his clothing, push him down onto the bed and have Callum fuck him senseless.  
  
Years of not allowing himself anything more than a fleeting thought or the occasional dream have led to this. It’s like that part of him has been starved and now that he’s got Callum he can’t get enough.  
  
Callum standing across from him in Ben’s t-shirt and shorts isn’t helping either. Ben hadn’t wanted any of Callum’s clothes to get ruined so had found some of his own old clothes for them to wear. He just hadn’t expected what the sight of Callum wearing his clothes would do to him. They’re a little on the small side for him but god, he looks so good in them.  
  
Clearly oblivious to Ben’s thoughts about him, Callum turns to him and says, “So what do you think?”  
  
“What?” he asks, feeling clueless as to what Callum has been talking about.  
  
Callum smiles as he sighs. “Were you even listening?”  
  
“Don’t you think it’s looking a bit grey out? Shouldn’t we wait until a sunnier day?” Ben suggests, keen to distract Callum.  
  
“Stop with the excuses Ben. We’re doing this.”  
  
“It wasn’t even my idea to paint the door,” Ben protests. “I shouldn’t be forced into helping.”  
  
Callum looks thoughtful, squinting his eyes for a moment before stepping forwards with a fixed gaze. “I’m not forcing you. All I’m saying is if you don’t help then you won’t reap the rewards.”  
  
Ben inhales sharply at what he’s alluding to. Maybe Callum has noticed the effect he’s having on Ben after all.  
  
Callum attempts to wink but it ends up being more of a rapid blink in both eyes which Ben thinks is completely adorable. How can someone be both adorable and sexy at the same time? The way Callum is growing in confidence and coming out of his shell right before Ben’s eyes is such a turn on. He’s already a long way from being the Callum he was just a few weeks ago who couldn’t even hear about anything sexual without feeling uncomfortable, let alone allude to it. If this is just the start then Ben can’t wait to see the Callum that is still hidden underneath.  
  
“Mr Highway, are you trying to flirt with me?” he asks, moving around the table towards Callum.  
  
Callum bites at his lip and raises an eyebrow. “Simple answer Ben, are you going to help or not?”  
  
“I don’t know. I’m much more interested in sampling some of these rewards.”  
  
He reaches out to pull on Callum’s t-shirt, _his_ t-shirt, in an attempt to draw him close. Callum moves with him, his lips so close to Ben’s own. Just as Ben is leaning up to capture a kiss, Callum suddenly breaks away, stepping backwards across the room and shaking his head as he grins.  
  
“Not until you help,” he sing-songs.  
  
Ben groans and throws his head back. He swears Callum is going to be the death of him.  
  
“I guess I don’t have an option then do I?” He looks back at Callum who picks up a paint brush and hands it to Ben in way of response.  
  
Just as Ben readies himself to go outside into the cold, a loud rumble of thunder seems to roll over the house. Callum looks up at the ceiling as if he’s expecting to see the weather above.  
  
Ben watches on as Callum shakes his head and moves to open the back door, trickles of rain starting to fall out of the sky as he does. Callum stares out at it, face clouding with disappointment.  
  
Moving to stand beside him, Ben watches as the rain falls down.  
  
“Oh dear, what a shame!” he sighs, sarcasm evident in his tone. “Guess the painting’s going to have to wait.”  
  
Callum glares at him and Ben adopts the same sweet smile Callum had given him earlier that day.  
  
“You’re loving this,” Callum says.  
  
Ben doesn’t answer, just nudges his way into Callum’s side, wrapping an arm around his back and nudging him again. Eventually, Callum takes the hint and Ben feels him wrap his arm around his shoulders, drawing him in closer.  
  
Together they stand in the open doorway, staring out at the rain, and Ben decides being outside in the cold isn’t so bad after all.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Here you go,” Callum says as he hands over a steaming mug of hot chocolate to Ben that evening.  
  
They have decided to watch another movie tonight. Callum is adamant that they’ll make it through this one even when Ben reminds him that he was the reason they hadn’t finished watching the movie last night.  
  
“It weren’t all me!” Callum says as he plops down onto the sofa beside Ben. “You were more than up for it.”  
  
“Well, I wasn’t exactly going to turn you down was I? Besides, it was a rubbish film anyway. Hope you’re choosing a better one tonight.”  
  
Callum picks up the remote as he scrolls through their movie options on the screen. Ben looks down at the hot chocolate that is now burning hot in his hands and holds the handle of the mug precariously.  
  
“I see you’ve gone with all the trimmings,” he says, looking at the whipped cream and marshmallows on the top.  
  
“Course. Don’t I always?”  
  
Ben smiles and dips a finger into the cream, scooping some of it up.  
  
“Did you want a spoon?” Callum asks.  
  
Ben shakes his head and says, “It’s a lot better this way.”  
  
He puts his finger in his mouth, licking the cream off before scooping up some more from the top of his hot chocolate. It’s as he puts his finger in his mouth again that he notices Callum has stopped scrolling through the list of movies on screen and he turns to see Callum’s gaze fixed on him, an intense look in his eyes.  
  
He pauses and then wipes at his chin thinking he must have cream on himself. But no, that’s not it.  
  
“What?” he asks, taken aback by the way Callum is looking at him.  
  
“I…..I can see why you’d find that appealing.”  
  
“Why’s that?”  
  
The lights are dim but Ben can see the way Callum’s cheeks redden. “It’s quite, uh, seductive?”  
  
Ben feels the thrill that sweeps through him at the thought of something as simple as licking cream from his finger being a turn on for Callum.  
  
“Seductive? You’ve got quite a dirty mind haven’t you if you can turn me licking my finger into some sort of sexual connotation,” he teases, grinning at the way Callum’s cheeks grow redder.  
  
“I didn’t say – " Callum fumbles.  
  
“But that’s okay,” he interrupts. “It just means I must be rubbing off on you.”  
  
He winks at Callum then, something he realises they’re doing a lot of today, and decides to have some fun with this new confident Callum who is still so innocent in a lot of ways.  
  
Ben slowly dips his finger into the cream again and glances up at Callum whose eyes are trained on his every movement.  
  
“Am I seducing you Callum?” he asks, voice low. He puts his finger in his mouth once more and this time makes a point of swirling his tongue around it, watching and waiting on Callum’s reaction. Callum’s breath hitches almost immediately and Ben fights back the urge to smile lest it break the atmosphere that surrounds them.  
  
“That’s depends,” Callum responds, trying to control the shake in his voice. “Are you trying to flirt with me Ben Mitchell?”  
  
And just like that the tables turn and Ben is reminded of just how much Callum is getting better and better at this. Ben feels sure the question is purposeful; a reminder that he had asked the same question of Callum earlier on that day in the kitchen. Callum is playing Ben at his own game.  
  
Without breaking eye contact, Ben manages to put his mug of hot chocolate onto the floor beside the sofa and then leans towards Callum, reaching out for his own mug and placing that on the floor too.  
  
“Always,” he whispers.  
  
It’s like this so often – slow and soft and a gradual build until neither of them can get enough. They are drawn together through some kind of magnetic force around them and Ben feels as though he’s drowning as Callum grips onto his shoulders, pulling him closer and closer until Ben is able to clamber on top of him, pressing him down into the sofa.  
  
They kiss like they have all the time in the world, and perhaps they do. Ben presses into Callum further, hand on his cheek as Callum’s own hands roam across the expanse of his back. Ben tangles his legs with Callum’s and can feel the way Callum’s cock, growing hard now, digs into his hip. He moves slightly to rub against him and Callum gasps before pushing him back.  
  
“Stop, stop, we need to stop,” he breathes harshly.  
  
“What? What’s the matter?” Ben asks, panic setting in as he starts to move away from Callum.  
  
Callum stops him, keeping Ben in place as he says, “No, don’t go! Fuck, sorry.”  
  
Ben settles back down on top of him, both of them trying to catch their breaths.  
  
“Don’t be sorry,” Ben says. “If I came on too strong or – "  
  
“You didn’t! Shit, you’re going to think it’s really stupid now.”  
  
Callum hides his face in his hands. Ben is desperate to know what he’s done wrong. Callum isn’t making any sense.  
  
“Just tell me, it’s okay,” he says, in an attempt to be reassuring.  
  
Callum sighs and moves his hands away. He looks embarrassed. “I stopped you because……well because I actually do want to watch a movie with you tonight. And if we’d kept that up……”  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh, waves of relief washing over him. “Are you being serious?”  
  
“Are you mad?”  
  
“No!” Ben laughs again. “I’m just glad I didn’t do something wrong! Although I can’t believe you’re really choosing a movie and hot chocolate over a make out session right now!”  
  
“Is that weird?” Callum asks, a look of uncertainty on his face.  
  
Ben grins teasingly at him. “A little bit. You’re something else you know that?”  
  
“So you’re not mad?”  
  
“No,” he responds, smile softening as he looks down at Callum. “No, I’m just thinking how perfect you are.”  
  
“What? For choosing a movie and hot chocolate over sex?”  
  
Ben nods because it’s true. Callum _is_ perfect, always has been in Ben’s eyes, and it doesn’t matter whether they spend the evening kissing and making out or whether they spend it drinking hot chocolate in front of the television. What matters is spending time with Callum. And he has to admit that there’s something very domestic about choosing to curl up and watch a movie together over everything else they could be doing.  
  
Ben kisses him lightly before turning and settling down beside Callum who picks up the remote again and continues to scroll through the list of movies.  
  
_This_ is perfect.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Ben?” Callum asks, as they near the end of the movie.  
  
“Hmm?” he responds non-committedly, eyes focused on the television ahead.  
  
They’re sitting on the sofa, Ben leaning back onto Callum’s chest, legs sprawled out in front of him, one of Callum’s arms thrown across him. It’s kind of amazing how easily they’ve fallen into this. Just a few days ago they were best friends who had hooked up a few times and now they’re……  
  
Well, Ben doesn’t know what they are exactly, but it feels like they’ve definitely fallen into a pattern of behaving like a couple. It all feels so natural, almost as if they’ve had this for years rather than just forty-eight hours if they’re going by the night Callum had told him he liked him.  
  
This is something they’re good at and he wants more of this for them.  
  
“Can I ask you something?” Callum continues.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
There’s a pause and Ben almost forgets about the question until Callum says, “Did you always know you were gay?”  
  
And that gets Ben’s attention. He forces himself not to react even though he’s desperate to turn around and face the man behind him. He can feel the way Callum’s chest rises and falls a little more rapidly than what it had been as he waits for a response, and Ben recognises the fear in that one question alone and thinks maybe this is why he’s chosen to ask now – because Ben can’t see his face.  
  
He tries to think of the right way to respond, but as the seconds drag out between them he realises the best thing he can do is be honest with Callum. That’s what he would have wanted for himself.  
  
“Uh…..yeah. Yeah,” he starts. “I didn’t always know what it was or what it meant but yeah, I guess I always knew. I just didn’t recognise it for a long time. I always knew I was looking at boys the way they were all looking at girls. I couldn’t really make sense of it that’s all.”  
  
Callum is quiet behind him and Ben is desperate to reach out to him, to turn and wrap his arms around him and tell him it’s all going to be okay.  
  
“But you worked it out in the end didn’t you?” Callum says.  
  
“Well, yeah, I did in the end but it weren’t just as easy as waking up one day and thinking ‘I’m gay’ and then shouting it from the rooftops to anyone who would listen. It took a long time. Even after I’d figured it out I didn’t really want to accept it.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
Ben thinks back on those years of his life filled with so much confusion and despair. “The thing is Callum, I’m a Mitchell, yeah? And I was brought up being taught that to be a Mitchell you have to be strong and brave and I’m neither of those things but I spent years trying to prove that I was. But nothing was ever good enough for my Dad. The last thing he wanted was a gay son.”  
  
Pausing in his storytelling, Ben tries to gather his thoughts. The memories of growing up still haunt him sometimes, it’s why he rarely talks about his family these days. He has his own family now in Jay, Lola and Callum and he’s happy, often forgetting that he was once the boy who craved his father’s love and got shunned each and every time.  
  
“Kids get told stories don’t they of kings and queens or princes and princesses, or you get those little toy sets that come with a mummy and a daddy. And even as you get older you have family who ask if you’ve found yourself a girlfriend yet, or ‘You’ll make some lucky lady very happy one day’.” He cringes at the memory of being told that one on many an occasion. “It’s like, you grow up practically being told that anything other than a man and a woman together isn’t normal. And you’re sitting there thinking that you’re into guys so maybe you’re not normal. But the thing is, it _is_ normal. It’s _so_ normal. And it took me years to figure out that it was okay to be me.”  
  
He stops as he hears himself say those last words. After a moment he adds, “To be honest, I think that’s the first time I’ve even properly thought that about myself.”  
  
It’s true. He’s never allowed himself to think back on those years of his life and because of that he’s never consciously acknowledged that it really is okay to be himself and that he’s proud of who he is. He feels something release in his chest at the self-revelation, almost like a weight has been lifted that he hadn’t known was there.  
  
He’s proud of himself.  
  
He feels Callum’s arm tighten around him and is reminded of the man sitting behind him who is just now suffering this turmoil.  
  
“You were wrong,” Callum says quietly, voice barely there. “You are strong. And Brave. To go through that, to come out of the other side and say ‘this is who I am’, that sounds very brave to me.”  
  
Ben’s vision blurs as tears fill his eyes. Callum believes in him and maybe, just maybe for the first time in his life, Ben is starting to believe in himself too. This conversation was meant to help Callum, but somehow it’s ended up breaking the invisible chains that have been surrounding himself for so long.  
  
He turns towards Callum then, unable to hold back from doing so any longer. Callum has tears in his own eyes, and Ben reaches out to wipe gently at the corners of them.  
  
“If I’d known what was on the other side I’d have done it sooner,” he says.  
  
Callum breaks eye contact in favour of staring down at his lap as he nods slowly. Ben waits, wondering if he should add anything else but decides he’d rather Callum lead this given he was the one to bring the topic up in the first place.  
  
“I uh, I think I’m going to go to bed,” Callum says after a while.  
  
“Oh, okay, yeah, we can go to bed if that’s what you need.”  
  
Callum shakes his head. “No, you should watch the rest of the movie. It’s almost finished.”  
  
“I’m not bothered about it,” Ben says, already moving away from Callum in search of the remote.  
  
“Please Ben, can I just be on my own for a bit? I’m not shutting you out or trying to hurt you or anything. I just……”  
  
Ben sees his struggle and nods, accepting that this is what Callum needs right now. “Yeah, course. You don’t have to explain.”  
  
Callum smiles a little, standing from the sofa and making a move towards the door.  
  
“I’m here for you, you know?” Ben says. “Doesn’t matter about anything else. You’re my best friend first and foremost and I’m here. You’re not on your own.”  
  
Callum smiles again, though the rest of his face tells a different story. He nods and leaves the room. All Ben can do is watch as the door closes behind him.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for all your comments and kudos. All your support means so much! 
> 
> Apologies that this is posted slightly later than usual. It's been a busy day with work and Wednesday updates may have to be posted in the evenings rather than the afternoons from now on. 
> 
> This chapter comes with a warning. The topic of panic/anxiety attacks is mentioned as well as the experiences associated with them. I do consider it to be very mildly written but having anxiety myself I understand that people are triggered differently. If you're at all worried, please just message me in the comments and I'll let you know where you need to avoid :)
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe!

**Chapter Sixteen  
  
  
  
  
**

Ben wakes to the darkness of his bedroom, the sound of the faint ticking of his watch beside the bed, and the sight of the time on his phone which tells him he’s only been asleep for just short of forty minutes.

After Callum had gone to bed, Ben had tried to watch the end of the movie but his thoughts had kept returning to the conversation they had just had. By the time he had become aware of his surroundings again, the movie had finished, and he was presented with a message on the screen telling him it was going to automatically switch to standby mode if he didn’t press a button on the remote within the next minute.

He’d turned the television off anyway and come to bed, deciding his own bed would be the best thing for Callum if having space was what he needed.

But his own bed didn’t feel right – it hadn’t ever since that first night he’d slept in Callum’s – and Ben had tossed and turned restlessly as he’d prayed for sleep to find him. The last time he had looked at the time it had just gone midnight and even now after a small amount of sleep, it’s not even an hour later.

This is what his nights are without Callum. Restless. Sleepless. He’s amazed with himself at how quickly he has grown attached to Callum's presence given how much he’s always relied on himself.

Now that he’s awake again, he can’t stop his mind from drifting back to their earlier conversation. He has so many mixed emotions as a result of it, part elation and wonder at the freedom he now feels just from actively acknowledging that he’s proud of who he is, and part worry and sadness for Callum and what he is going through.

When he’d turned to see Callum’s tearful eyes, the way he had looked scared and fearful of all the unknowns, it had devastated Ben. Callum had smiled through his own sadness like he was only just managing to hold himself together. Ben knows what it’s like to put on a front, not just for everyone around you but for yourself too. He knows what it’s like to feel pain and not know what to do with it. And yes, Callum had broken down on him that night a couple of weeks ago after they had first hooked up, but Ben had been so confused by what was going on himself that all he could do was try to support Callum as best he could by holding him and whispering reassurances into his ear.

But they’re here now and Callum is coming to understand the things he hadn’t a few weeks ago and all Ben can do is stand by and watch knowing that he has to come through it in order to get to the other side just as Ben had many years ago. Ben would carry him through it if he could. He would lift him up and shield him and protect him until they were safely out of the darkness. But that’s not how it works.

He thinks back to the way Callum had left so abruptly after their conversation. Ben had been worried about him then and he still is now. They have both had a couple of days together where they have been happy, and it's felt like they've been in some sort of bubble together where nothing bad could touch them. And he’s worried now that maybe that happiness has in some way lured Callum into a false sense of security, only to have the confusion and turmoil creep up on him again when he hadn’t expected it.

Because that’s what had happened when Ben had been discovering his own sexuality. There would be days where he'd feel carefree and happy and he would think that he was over the worst of it. And then something would happen, a comment or a look thrown his way, a night where he had too much time to think on his hands, and it would hit him again out of nowhere. It had taken so many months of back and forth, life gradually getting easier each time, but for a time he had thought he was never going to survive it.

It has been just weeks since he and Callum first kissed and they have been in the same house together ever since. There hasn’t been a reprieve for Callum apart from the times he’s been out to do the shopping or to go for a run or the day he had returned to his flat just for an escape. Callum has been thrown into the deep end and all of those emotions that Ben felt when he was struggling with his sexuality must be condensed for Callum as he experiences them now.

And who is he talking to? Not Whitney. Ben is doubtful he’s talking to Stuart. And if Callum has reached out to Jay or Lola then neither of them have let on to Ben about it.

So who is Callum talking to? He and Ben have spoken about it a little but for the most part Callum has been very guarded. If Callum isn’t really talking to Ben about the things in his head, and he’s not talking to anyone else either, then that means he’s bottling it all up and at some point it’s going to come out when Callum least expects it.

Ben suddenly feels so stupid for not realising this sooner. It’s been weeks and not once has he wondered who Callum could be turning to. He’s always made sure Callum has known he’s there for him but he should have been doing better. He should have been doing more.

Sitting up in the bed, Ben flings back the duvet. Callum has asked for some time and Ben won’t bother him but he just needs to check that Callum is okay. He won’t be able to rest properly until he does.

Reaching Callum’s bedroom door, he refrains from knocking this time and instead opens it a little until he is able to poke his head through the gap.

The bedroom is still, and Ben squints in the darkness, heartbeat faltering when he realises the bed is empty.

Turning, he walks swiftly down the hallway and goes downstairs, heart hammering in his chest. He tries to tell himself that this isn't like last time and he's doubtful that Callum would go anywhere in the middle of the night but even so, the familiar feeling of panic sets in. 

Moving down the hallway, he puts his head round the door of the living room only to be stopped short by the sight before him.

Callum is sitting in the dark, curled up small on the armchair, knees pulled up to his chest. His shoulders are shaking, he's rocking back and forth and even though Ben can’t see his face, he knows he’s crying. He's relieved that Callum is here but he still can't bear to see him like this. 

He steps into the room slowly, feels like he’s approaching a wild animal that he’s afraid he’ll scare if he makes one wrong move.  
  
Callum must hear him or sense that he’s there because he’s wiping at his face and muttering, “I’m fine, I’m fine,” under his breath although Ben gets the feeling it’s more for his own benefit than Ben’s.  
  
Kneeling down in front of the armchair, Ben cautiously reaches out and puts a hand on Callum's knee causing the man to flinch. Ben immediately withdraws his hand, looking at Callum with wide eyes.  
  
“Callum?” he whispers hesitantly.  
  
Callum doesn’t look up at him.  
  
“I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine,” he mutters again under his breath as he continues rocking.  
  
Ben tries to think. "Callum, it's me. It's Ben. Will you look at me?"  
  
Callum shakes his head minutely, tears falling faster down his cheeks.  
  
"Do you want me to go?" There's no way he wants to leave Callum like this but he will if that's what Callum wants. Callum shakes his head again and Ben nods to himself. "Okay, well I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Callum cries, eyes closing tightly.  
  
"It's okay. You don't have anything to be sorry about. Can I do anything to help?"  
  
"Stay?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, I'm staying here. I'm staying right here."  
  
He stays kneeling on the floor as Callum continues to cry. He feels so utterly helpless and all he wants to do is hold him and make everything alright. But it's clear that Callum doesn't want to be touched right now and Ben has to respect that.  
  
He's never seen anyone have a panic attack before. He isn't even sure if this is one. From the brief things he's read and heard, he's sure that there's meant to be hyperventilating and rapid breathing but Callum isn't doing either of those things. He's certainly breathing faster than he usually would be but Ben puts that down to the crying more than anything else.  
  
Ben has never truly had his heart break over Callum before. He’s had it twisted and bent and bruised through the years of loving someone who hadn’t loved him back, but he’s never felt like his heart was shattering into thousands of pieces for the man. He feels that now though and as the minutes tick by he thinks that surely there's something else that he should be doing to help. He's doing nothing by just sitting here. But that's what Callum had asked of him so he's patient and he waits.  
  
It's five minutes later when Callum stops rocking, and another five minutes after that that he's able to wipe at his face, take a deep breath and look at Ben.  
  
"Why do I feel so lonely Ben? All my life I’ve felt _so_ lonely.”  
  
Ben tries to hold back his own tears but he understands this feeling and watching his best friend go through it, someone who he loves, is crippling.  
  
“Everything is messed up and just when I think I’m making sense of it all it gets messed up again,” Callum continues. “I keep trying to drown it out, and the last couple of days have been so good, but it still won’t go away. Why won’t it go away?”  
  
He heaves in a deep breath, trying to gather air into his lungs, but it’s too much, the tears coming faster again. Ben moves forwards, leaning towards Callum before stopping.  
  
"Can I hold you? Is that okay?"  
  
Callum doesn't answer, instead pulling Ben towards him and pressing his head into his chest.  
  
“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Ben whispers, putting his arms around him tightly now that he can and feeling the way Callum sobs into his chest.  
  
Callum grips onto him, grasping at Ben’s t-shirt as he cries.  
  
“Why won’t it go away?” he asks again. “All I can think about is you.”  
  
Ben cradles him in his arms, rocking them a little as he rubs soothingly up and down Callum’s back.  
  
“It’s going to be okay. I’ve got you. You’re okay.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Returning from the kitchen with two mugs of hot chocolate in his hand, Ben hands one to Callum and moves to turn on the lamp.  
  
“Two in one night eh?” Callum says, wiping at his face before taking a sip of his drink.  
  
“Don’t get too excited. It’s not as good as yours are.”  
  
Callum smiles a little but Ben can see the tear tracks that still mark his cheeks. He sits down on the sofa and looks across at Callum. His nose is red from crying too much and his hair is dishevelled from where Ben’s fingers had ran through it as he’d attempted to comfort him but for the most part he seems to be a lot more settled than he had been.  
  
"I'm sorry," Callum says quietly.  
  
"Don't be sorry. Are you okay?" It's a silly question but he has to ask.  
  
Callum nods. "Think everything's just been building for a while."  
  
"Is that why you came down here? Because things were getting too much?"  
  
"I get anxious sometimes. Not often. That hasn't happened in years. Sometimes when there's lots of stress going round my head and I start thinking about it, it can be hard to breathe. Everything feels stuffy and like the walls are closing in."  
  
The words are familiar to Ben and it takes a moment to figure out why. "You said that the day you went back to your flat. About the walls closing in."  
  
"I thought I was handling it. Then I started thinking about all that stuff we were talking about earlier and......I'm good at knowing if it's going to happen though. Can usually control my breathing before it gets bad."  
  
Ben feels bad that he didn't know about this before now and says as much to Callum.  
  
"Like I said, that hasn't happened in years. I'm quite good at hiding it," Callum tells him.  
  
"You shouldn't have to be."  
  
Callum shrugs. "Can I.....Can I talk to you about some stuff? I think it might help."  
  
"Of course you can! You don't even have to ask."  
  
Callum thinks for a moment and Ben let's him gather his thoughts.  
  
“Things are good with you,” he says eventually, focussing on the mug in his hand. “Why can’t it be easier now?”  
  
“Because it don’t work like that Callum. I wish it did.”  
  
Callum nods a little. He chews at his bottom lip, looking in deep thought for a moment.  
  
“She does make me happy you know,” he says. “Whitney. I hate doing this when I haven’t talked to her yet.”

Ben hasn’t given her much thought since the last time Callum mentioned her, something he feels guilty for now. He’s been enclosed in this warm, beautiful world that he and Callum have created for themselves and thoughts of Whitney have rarely crossed his mind. But Callum has been thinking about her. Of course he has.  
  
Ben wonders if he should suggest they put the brakes on what has been developing between them as he had the other day. The last thing he wants is for this to be eating Callum up more than it already is. But he remembers what Callum had said about how they wouldn’t be able to keep away from each other even if they wanted to. There’s no amount of willpower in the world that could keep Ben away now unless Callum was the one stopping him.  
  
“My whole life has felt like a puzzle to me,” Callum continues. “You’re like the missing piece that I could never find. This matters to me and I want it so much.” He looks up from his mug and Ben sees something he can’t place in his eyes. “I want _you_.” There’s a pause before he adds, “I’m so scared.”  
  
And Ben recognises it now. It’s fear he sees in Callum’s eyes. Fear and uncertainty mixed with desperation and yearning. Ben doesn’t know what to say all of a sudden, lost for words at a time when he should be the one offering Callum answers and reassurances. But the atmosphere that has fallen over them renders him speechless and all he can do is watch as Callum stands and makes his way across the room, sitting down on the opposite end of the sofa.  
  
“I want to tell you something,” Callum says quietly, saving Ben from trying to form words of his own. “It probably won’t make sense. It don’t make sense to me but…….Can I?”  
  
Ben nods and finds his voice. “Yeah. You can tell me anything.”  
  
Callum doesn’t say anything for a while and Ben lets the silence fall around them as he silently drinks his hot chocolate. It’s several minutes later when Callum speaks again.  
  
“What you were saying earlier about how you always knew but didn’t recognise it or understand it, well, I think……..I think maybe I’ve always known. I just never realised it.”  
  
He doesn’t say the word but he doesn’t need to. Ben knows what he’s talking about.  
  
“I knew I was attracted to men, I knew I felt different around them, but I thought once I got a girlfriend all of that would go away. Only it didn’t. Every time I went on dates and a girl tried to take things further I backed out because, well, because I wasn’t into it I guess. I told myself I couldn't sleep with someone if it didn't mean anything. I just thought that maybe I needed to find the right one."  
  
Ben nods, remaining quiet as Callum continues his story.  
  
“When I met you, I knew there was something about you that I liked. There was just….. _something_. I thought you were attractive that first time you walked into the pub.”  
  
Ben thinks back three years ago to the day they met. He had returned home after a year spent travelling and had gone to meet Jay in The Vic. He and Callum had shook hands and Ben had felt the electricity all the way down to his toes. He had been immediately drawn to Callum and throughout his time spent with Jay he’d caught Callum looking at him from across the pub.  
  
It had piqued a curiosity in Ben that had resulted in him going to the pub regularly in the hopes that Callum would be there working a shift.  
  
“It wasn’t a problem at first,” Callum goes on. “But then you kept coming back. You were always there. Always trying to make conversation.”  
  
“What can I say? I’m impossible to ignore sometimes,” Ben jokes.  
  
“Well you were. But, I don't know, there was just something about you and…….and we got along didn’t we? I still kept thinking that if I found the right girl it would all just go away and the more you and me became friends the more I got to thinking that’s all the attraction was – just us being friends. And I suppose, in a way, as time went on, the less I noticed it. You just became ‘my friend Ben’, rather than ‘my friend who I’m attracted to’.”  
  
Thinking about those words, Ben can see the sense in that. He felt there was maybe something between them at the start but that had vanished over time, his own feelings quickly becoming something that didn’t feel mutual. He’d accepted that Callum was straight and didn’t feel anything for him. But Callum had never been just a friend to him. He’d always been the friend that Ben was in love with.  
  
He feels like he should perhaps feel saddened to have it confirmed that all those years spent loving Callum really were unrequited, but he’s relieved more than anything else. As nice as it would be to think that he had always harboured feelings for Ben, there would be something so incredibly sad about finding out they had both been pining for each other all this time, neither of them speaking out but instead living quietly and alone in their misery.  
  
So it’s relief he feels when Callum confirms that hasn’t been the case. Callum has spent years trying to be someone he’s not and that’s already sad enough.  
  
“Is that your way of saying you didn’t fancy me?” Ben jokes now, trying to lighten the mood a little.  
  
Callum smiles. “I mean, I do _now_ if that makes you feel any better?”  
  
“Do you?” It’s a genuine question. He still hasn’t been able to get his head around the thought of Callum liking him in that way.  
  
“Would’ve thought that was obvious.”  
  
“It’d be still nice to hear.”  
  
Callum rolls his eyes and smiles fondly at him. “Yes Ben Mitchell, I fancy the pants off you as it happens.”

Ben beams at him, unable to hold it in and Callum chuckles. “God, only you would want a compliment from someone who’s just been crying all over you.”  
  
“I’m cheering you up! It made you smile didn’t it?”  
  
Callum’s smile widens as he nods.  
  
“So, go on,” Ben says, realising he has distracted them both. “Finish your story. You were saying you thought everything would go away by dating different girls.”  
  
“Yeah,” Callum nods, growing serious again. “It sounds silly now but I really thought if I had that then everything would be okay. And then Whit came along and I liked her so much. She made me happy. We just clicked straight away. Just got each other, you know? And I thought that was the moment things were going to get better. But……Well, I’m not blind. I could see how pretty she was, she _is_ pretty, she’s beautiful, but I wasn’t attracted to her. I tried so hard to look at her and feel that attraction but it never came.”  
  
He pauses, taking a breath before continuing. “She was the first person I ever slept with. I thought that maybe if I tried hard enough then I’d start to feel it. The physical stuff I mean. Because I felt everything else. I wanted to be with her, I wanted her around me, I wanted to have her in my life. But I think mostly it was the whole marriage and kids thing that I bought into. Even though I never thought about having those things with her, I hoped one day my feelings would change. With time. And I was so happy with her Ben. I’m not going to sit here and say I wasn’t because I was. And I have been.”  
  
Ben nods because he understands. He knows Callum cares about Whitney and knows that the relationship he has with her means a great deal to him.  
  
“Only I don’t think it’s in the way it should be,” Callum adds. “It’s not like how it is with you. I’m happy with her and I’m happy with you but it’s different. The way I feel when I’m with you feels right. Like I’m supposed to be here. Like, like…….”  
  
He trails off, searching for the right words and Ben remembers something he had said earlier. “Like the missing piece of the puzzle?”  
  
Callum lowers his eyes. “I know none of this makes sense.”  
  
“It does Callum.”  
  
“How can it when it doesn’t even make sense to me?”  
  
Ben shuffles closer to him on the sofa. “Because I’ve been there remember. I’ve been where you are and believe me, this is the most confusing part but it doesn’t last forever.”  
  
Callum sighs and looks up at him again. “How do you know I’m not different to everyone else? How do you know I’m not just going to be feeling confused for the rest of my life?”  
  
He reaches out a hand to Callum’s and takes hold of it. “Because you’ve got me. And I’m going to help you through it.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They go back to bed not long after that. This time, Ben follows Callum, climbing into the bed beside him when Callum doesn’t protest.  
  
They lie in silence for a long while, both with their own thoughts. Ben is glad that Callum felt he could open up to him and he hopes that now that he’s got so much off his chest he’ll feel better for it. Callum still has a long way to go but tonight has felt like it could be a turning point in Callum acknowledging who he is and what he wants.  
  
Ben, for his part, just wants to look after him. He’s determined to do whatever he can to help Callum get through this because he’d meant what he’d said earlier. It doesn’t matter what they are right now or where they could be going, they’re friends first and always will be. He’ll be whatever Callum needs him to be.  
  
He turns to see Callum staring up at the ceiling beside him. After a moment he puts an arm across him, letting him know he’s not on his own. Callum places his hand on Ben’s arm, holding it firmly before turning away, pulling Ben with him. Ben understands immediately and shuffles closer, pressing his front to Callum’s back and holding him tightly.  
  
“Thank you,” Callum whispers into the darkness.  
  
“Try to get some rest,” he responds. “I’ll be right here if you need anything.”  
  
He presses a chaste kiss to Callum’s neck and feels Callum relax into him.  
  
After some time, Callum eventually falls asleep, only the sounds of his breathing heard in the silence of the room around them. Ben continues to hold him, determined to keep him safe, and wonders what the days ahead will bring.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for comments and kudos and all of you who continue to read this. 
> 
> Here we are in the aftermath of the night before. It was planned to be a shorter chapter than most and I don't really know what happened but before I knew it there was this. I just hope all these words read well together.
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe!

**Chapter Seventeen  
  
  
  
  
**

“Eating breakfast on the doorstep; don’t think I’ve done this since I was a kid!” Ben says as he takes the plate Callum is offering him. Callum sits down beside him, taking a bite of his toast as he looks out across the garden, small smile on his face.

Ben had woken up not long after him, having spent most of the night in and out of sleep, checking that Callum was still sleeping soundly beside him. He’d come downstairs that morning to find Callum putting bread into the toaster, radio playing music from the corner of the kitchen, and the back door open letting in the glorious sunshine. Ben had watched as Callum had happily moved around the kitchen, the lively morning person that he was on full display. Callum had said he was going to eat breakfast outside considering it was such a lovely day and had recommended that Ben join him. As if Ben would ever want to be anywhere he wasn’t anyway.

Callum raises his face to the sun now, squinting against the brightness as he comments on what a beautiful day it is.

“It is,” Ben agrees, eating his own toast.

“We should paint the door today. What do you think? This weather looks like it’s in for the day.”

“I don’t know why you’re so eager to paint,” he laughs. “You’ll be wanting to paint a rainbow for the window next.”

Callum’s eyes widen with excitement. “Do you have coloured paints?”

“No Callum, I don’t have coloured paints,” he deadpans.

“Oh.”

He looks genuinely disappointed. It’s adorable really and Ben can’t help but smile.

“We’re painting the door though yeah?” he asks, sounding eager again.

“I suppose so.”

Callum grins and takes another bite out of his toast, wiggling a little on the step. Ben doesn’t know if he really is that excited about painting a door or whether he’s just trying to get comfortable.

“You’re chirpy today,” he points out. Callum’s mood is great to see and it’s not like it’s unusual for him to be happy and smiley in the morning, but after last night this is the last thing Ben had been expecting.

“Sun’s out, blue sky, it’s a brand new day,” Callum says in way of an explanation.

“And how are you feeling after last night?”

Callum’s smile fades and Ben almost regrets asking.  
  
“I’m sorry about that,” he apologises.  
  
“No Callum, I’ve told you, you’ve nothing to be sorry about. I’m asking how you are because I want to make sure you’re okay, not to make you feel guilty for anything.”  
  
“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t regret talking to you,” Callum says.  
  
“Then will you stop saying sorry,” Ben chuckles.  
  
“Yeah, s- " He breaks off, stopping himself from issuing another apology. “I’m okay. Last night was a lot, and I’m not trying to pretend it didn’t happen, but it’s made me feel like I need to sort things out now. Start trying to tackle it all, you know? That’s partly why I want to get on with the painting.”  
  
“Why’s that?” Ben asks, not seeing how painting a door is in any way helpful to Callum’s struggles.  
  
“Because, you know how I said that sorting stuff out helps me think? Under the stairs and the cupboards and everything?” Ben nods. “It helps me to feel like I’ve achieved something too. And painting this door will be another thing that I’ve achieved, something positive, something on the list that I can tick off.”  
  
“There’s a list?”  
  
“You’re missing the point.”  
  
Ben shakes his head. “Sorry. I don’t really get it but if it helps you then go ahead and paint every door in the house if you like.”  
  
“Now I know you’re joking,” Callum laughs.  
  
“Well, you’re just about taking over everything else aren’t you?”  
  
He nudges Callum and winks at him, letting him know that he’s joking about that too. He doesn’t mind that Callum is slowly but surely reorganising everything in the house, doesn’t mind that he’s practically making it his home, because if it’s helpful to Callum then Ben is happy to let him do as he likes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben decides to bring it up after lunch. He’s in the process of washing up, handing each thing he washes to Callum beside him who has been given the job of drying and putting away so as to not mess up the newly organised cupboards. It’s not something he’s given any thought to until last night and now that the subject is on his mind, he doesn’t know how long he could be waiting for Callum to bring it up himself. It’s the not knowing that causes him to ask the question.  
  
“Have you spoken to Whitney recently?”  
  
Callum pauses in drying a plate for a moment before clearing his throat and carrying on with the task.  
  
“No. Not recently, no.”  
  
Ben nods, feeling like they’ve reached the end of the conversation before it’s had chance to begin.  
  
“I uh, I turned my phone off a couple of weeks ago. Told her it was broken,” Callum says.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“I just felt guilty about everything. With us, I mean. I just…..it felt easier to turn it off.”  
  
Ben doesn’t know what to say. He knew Callum had had his phone switched off on the day he’d gone back to the flat. Ben’s inability to get in touch with him that day had been confirmation of that even before Callum had told him later. But he hadn’t realised that the phone had been switched off for so long, or that it still was now.  
  
“So uh, she just thinks you’ve fallen off the planet does she?” Ben asks, the idea already not sitting with him very well.  
  
Callum shakes his head. “No, we’ve still been in touch. A few Facebook messages here and there. Not much though. It’s a mad house where she is apparently. She’s got a big family and by the sounds of it she’s the one running round after everyone. She barely has time to get online.”  
  
Ben’s quiet from beside him as he thinks about what Callum is saying.  
  
“You can say it. I’m a terrible person.”  
  
Ben hands over the last of the washing up and wipes his hands on the tea towel Callum is using.  
  
“I don’t think you’re a terrible person,” he says. “I’m just trying to imagine how those conversations are going. Like, telling each other you miss each other and all that other stuff.” He knows he must sound jealous. There’s a good chance that’s because he is.  
  
“It’s not like that,” Callum explains. “Honestly, I’ve had about two messages from her over the last couple of weeks and both of them have been a few sentences telling me how run off her feet she is. And that’s it. Really Ben, that’s all it is. Even if I wanted to tell her about all of this, we’d probably have to schedule it in.”  
  
He wonders if Callum’s just trying to make him feel better. He tries to think back to the night before everything changed and remembers how Callum would disappear to his bedroom to talk to Whitney on the phone. He doesn’t recall it being a regular occurrence but then again, he’d purposely been trying not to notice such things. Had they always spoken so little to each other? Had Whitney always been so busy?  
  
“Who said distance makes the heart grow fonder eh?” he jokes, attempting to hide the jealously he feels.  
  
Callum leans up against the kitchen unit, crossing his arms, tea towel dangling down in front of him from where it’s still in his grasp. “You’re not funny Ben.”  
  
“I wasn’t trying to be,” Ben responds, ignoring the scowl on Callum’s face. “All I’m saying is that if it was my boyfriend who was half way across the country, I’d be writing him love letters and everything.”  
  
Callum scoffs. “You? Writing love letters? Come off it.”  
  
“Okay, maybe not, but I’d definitely be sending out long rambling DM’s telling him how much I missed him and complaining that I hadn’t heard his voice in weeks.”  
  
He’s never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve but he can only imagine the way he’d be feeling if he was separated from Callum. Callum had disappeared to his flat for less than twelve hours and Ben had gone to pieces. And maybe it’s because he’s got used to having Callum around so much, maybe it’s because he’s used to living with him now, something that Callum and Whitney hadn't yet been doing officially before the lockdown began, but even so, Ben can’t imagine being anywhere other than right next to Callum anymore.  
  
“Don’t make this Whitney’s fault,” Callum warns. “She deserves better than having her boyfriend cheat on her.”  
  
Ben sighs, moving towards him. “Hey, it’s shit, but you’re going through your own stuff right now and letting the guilt eat away at you over this as well is only going to make you feel worse.”  
  
“Maybe that’s what _I_ deserve.”  
  
“You don’t,” Ben says, putting a hand on Callum’s chest softly. “You deserve all the goodness in the world.”  
  
Callum huffs out a laugh, sad smile appearing on his face. “Are you just saying that to try and get me back into bed?”  
  
“No! I’m saying it because it’s true! But I’m open to the idea of going back to bed” Ben grins.  
  
Callum swats him with the tea towel and Ben leaps out of the way to avoid being hit a second time.  
  
“Thank you for saying that,” Callum says. “I really don’t want to hurt her Ben.”  
  
“She’s going to be hurt. I’m not trying to upset you Callum, I just think you need to be prepared. No matter how gentle you are about it, and how much you won’t want to, this will hurt her. But that’s what breaking up is. It hurts. And isn’t it better that she gets hurt and has a chance to move on and be happy with someone else rather than stay in a relationship with someone who can’t fully love her back?”  
  
“I know. I know you’re right.”  
  
Callum looks sadly down at the tea towel and Ben sighs and moves back towards him. He manages to prize it off of him, flinging it onto the kitchen unit and takes hold of Callum’s hands.  
  
“Hey, come on, it’s a brand new day remember? We gonna do this painting or what?”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben really doesn’t see how it takes two to paint a door. There’s not enough room for the two of them and every time he finds an area to paint, Callum’s elbows knock into him as he moves or their hips bump together and it’s simply not working.  
  
“Remind me again why you needed my help for this?” Ben asks, standing to the side a little as Callum swipes his paint brush over a section of the door.  
  
“Team work,” Callum supplies in response. “Besides, it’s only right you have some input. It is your door after all.”  
  
“Really? Here I was thinking it must be yours.”  
  
Callum tuts and mutters something under his breath at Ben’s sarcasm. Ben leans up against the wall of the house and crosses his arms. He watches Callum beside him. Callum is focused, painting the door with careful precision and his low mood from earlier thankfully seems to have ebbed away.  
  
“You know, whilst you're standing there not doing anything you might as well start thinking about ways to sort this garden out.”  
  
Ben looks out across the garden, the lone flower pot in the corner. “There’s nothing wrong with it is there?”  
  
“Don’t you think it’s bare?”  
  
He shrugs. It is bare but it’s not like he ever really spends any time out here. If he’s honest with himself, he’s probably spent more time out here during lockdown than he has at any other time in the years before. Once lockdown is over and he’s on his own again he’ll most likely go back to rarely coming out here.  
  
Callum turns and motions forward with his free hand. “It could look nice with a table and a couple of chairs over there.” He points towards the flower pot and adds, “And maybe a few more plants…..What do you think?”  
  
Ben can picture it and it does look nice. Like a proper home. But what is a home without anyone to share it with?  
  
“You’ve only been _a guest_ here for a few weeks and you’re already acting like you own the place,” Ben jokes, making sure to emphasise the ‘guest’ part.  
  
“More like six weeks Ben.”  
  
Ben ignores him, instead pointing at his fingers as he counts. “So let’s get this right. You raided the cupboard underneath my stairs, you went through my drawers looking for lube and condoms – though admittedly that was a highly important matter so I'll let that slide – you moved everything about in my kitchen cupboards, you’re painting the doors and now you want me to redesign the garden?”  
  
“You love what I’ve done to the cupboards,” Callum comments, smirk on his face.  
  
“Details,” he waves off, fighting back a smile of his own. He’s pretending and they both know it.  
  
Callum looks at him and says, “I just think there’s a lot you could do with this house that’s all. I’m giving you advice as your best friend – I’m allowed.”  
  
“Is that all we are?” Ben asks quietly, still fighting at the smile that tugs at his lips. “Best friends?”  
  
“What else do you want us to be?”  
  
Ben can’t help it any longer, breaking out into a smile as Callum smiles bashfully back at him. Before Ben can think of a response to that question, his phone rings from where he’s left it on the window ledge. He draws his eyes away from Callum to look at it.  
  
“I should…..”  
  
“Yeah,” Callum says.  
  
Ben moves over to the phone, Lola’s name showing on the screen. He picks it up and answers the call.  
  
“Alright Lo?"  
  
He glances back at Callum and their eyes meet. Ben smiles a little as he steps through the door to go inside, careful not to touch the wet paint as he does.  
  
“Yeah, I’m good,” he speaks into the phone. “I’m really good.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s clear from the phone call that Lola has no idea about Ben and Callum. She had asked questions about how they’d been getting on in lockdown, but no more than usual. And Ben knows that if Callum had let on about even the smallest of things, Lola would have done anything to get Ben to reveal all. Instead, she had mostly spent time talking about how she and Jay seemed to be long past the loved up honeymoon stage of lockdown and now into the bickering old married couple stage and that was only when he wasn’t glued to his games console.  
  
It had lead Ben to thinking about his and Callum’s relationship and what it was exactly. After ending the call, he thought about what had been said in the garden just before they had been interrupted.  
  
_“What else do you want us to be,”_ Callum had asked and the truth was that Ben wanted it all. Of course he did. He wanted them to be everything. He could easily imagine a life spent with Callum, though it was something he rarely let himself think about because it seemed so unattainable. But even so, he knows what he wants them to be but it’s not like they can begin to put labels on anything until Callum is ready. And that can’t happen until he’s talked to Whitney.  
  
Returning back to the kitchen, he sees Callum standing back slightly from the door, eyes inspecting it carefully.  
  
“Looking good,” Ben says, allowing his eyes to slowly travel down the length of Callum's body and back up again. He winks at Callum and then turns to look at the newly painted door as he steps outside. "Door's looking pretty good too!"  
  
“Thank you! I did it all by myself as well!”  
  
“Yeah, alright. I would’ve helped but Lola – "  
  
“Don’t give me that Ben,” Callum chuckles. “You’d given up before we even opened the paint!”  
  
Ben laughs. There may be some truth in that he supposes.  
  
“So, admit it then,” Callum says. Ben looks at him in question. “That I was right about the painting.”  
  
Rolling his eyes, Ben says, “You were right about the painting.”  
  
Callum grins and dips his paintbrush back into the pot. Ben watches as he moves it over the corner of the door.  
  
“It looks good,” Ben says again.  
  
“Missed a bit,” Callum explains, standing back again and searching for anywhere else that he might have missed.  
  
Shaking his head, Ben reaches out to take the paintbrush from Callum.  
  
“It’s fine Callum.” Callum tightens his grasp causing Ben to sigh and say, “You’re being a perfectionist. I promise you, you’ve done a good job.”  
  
Callum tugs harder on the paintbrush in an attempt to get Ben to let go. As he does, specks of paint fly from the brush, coming to land on Ben’s t-shirt.  
  
“Hey! You didn’t need to get me with it!” he gasps, letting go of the brush and looking down at his t-shirt.  
  
Callum chuckles. “That was your fault.”  
  
“How was it _my_ fault?”  
  
“You shouldn’t have tried to take the brush off me.”  
  
“Well I didn’t exactly splatter myself with it did I?” Ben says.  
  
Callum leans down to put the paintbrush into the paint pot before motioning towards Ben’s t-shirt. “There’s barely any paint there. And it’s an old t-shirt so stop being so dramatic!”  
  
And that’s a challenge if ever Ben needed one.  
  
“Dramatic? I’ll give you dramatic.”  
  
He reaches down to pick up the paintbrush from the pot.  
  
“Ben, don’t be childish,” Callum tells him.  
  
“Oh so I’m childish now am I? Childish _and_ dramatic! Well then….” He flicks the paintbrush in Callum’s direction causing large blobs of paint to splatter against the other man.  
  
Callum’s eyes widen in shock. “Right, that’s it!”  
  
Ben is surprised when Callum picks up the paint pot. He’s not sure Callum would really pour the contents over him but he’s not about to call his bluff on that.  
  
Taking off around the garden, Ben runs in an attempt to get away. Callum races after him, half empty paint pot in hand and Ben can’t help the squeal that erupts from somewhere inside him.  
  
“No! No! Don’t you dare pour that on me!” Ben shouts, running around the small garden.  
  
With hindsight, Callum would never have done it really. His legs are longer than Ben’s so he could easily have caught him on the first lap, or he could have blocked Ben’s path and thrown the contents over him from a distance. Yet, in that moment, Callum seems happy to run around the garden in pursuit of Ben whilst Ben screams and shouts and protests at every turn.  
  
They must do at least five or six laps by the time Ben decides to turn around. Callum collides into him, almost knocking Ben off his feet, but Ben steadies himself and reaches for the pot to try and get it from Callum. They grapple with it for a moment, Ben trying to prize it out of his hand. With his other hand, he grabs hold of Callum’s arm and they wobble a little as they pull the pot back and forth between them.  
  
“Give it to me!” Ben shouts.  
  
Callum laughs. “No chance! You’re not winning this one Ben.”  
  
“Give it to me!”  
  
“How many times do I have to tell you?”  
  
Callum reaches for him with his free hand and nips his side. Ben laughs loudly and Callum’s eyes widen.  
  
“You’re ticklish!”  
  
“No, I’m not,” he denies but Callum has found his weak spot and delights in it, once again nipping at him. He grips the pot and Callum’s arm tightly whilst trying to escape tickling fingers at the same time.  
  
“Callum, no!” he screams.  
  
Callum is laughing, pure look of glee evident in his eyes as he continues his onslaught and then Ben is falling, world turning, until he crashes to the ground, pulling Callum down with him as he does.  
  
Callum lands on top of him with a thump, paint pot hitting the ground somewhere nearby.  
  
“Ow!” he laughs, breathing heavily, feeling the weight of Callum on top of him.  
  
Callum is still laughing, head face down in the grass beside and Ben can feel his breath on the side of his neck. Ben looks up at the sky above and tries to stop the world from spinning.  
  
At the opposite side of his head, he feels something wet and moves an arm out from where it’s trapped underneath Callum to feel. When he brings his hand away he sees navy.  
  
“I’ve got paint in my hair,” he groans.  
  
Callum lifts his head to look at him, laughter simmering a little. “You’re lucky. Most of it’s all over the grass.”  
  
Ben huffs out a laugh and lifts his hips, signalling for Callum to move off of him.  
  
“Get off me you big heavy lump,” he chuckles when Callum still doesn’t move.  
  
“Don’t think I want to,” Callum grins back.  
  
“No?”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
Then Callum is leaning down, pressing his lips softly against Ben’s. Ben reaches up, wrapping an arm around Callum’s neck and pulling him closer if that’s at all possible.  
  
Ben feels Callum’s hand in his hair, fingers carding through the strands and tugging intermittently. He loves having his hair played with and takes pleasure in the way Callum brushes through it lightly. He’s enjoying it so much that he almost can’t stop the groan from being produced when Callum pauses.  
  
Callum smiles into the kiss and breaks away a little. “Yeah, you’ve got paint in your hair,” he whispers.  
  
A laugh ripples through him and he pecks at Callum’s lips once more.  
  
“You gonna help me wash it out?” he asks cheekily.  
  
“Shut up and let me kiss you more first.”  
  
Ben closes his eyes and kisses Callum again and decides that yes, he’ll quite happily do this for a while longer.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They don’t make it to the shower. Well, that’s not true. Ben does but Callum doesn’t. As soon as they had reached the bathroom Callum was breaking away and telling him that he really should try and sort all of the paint that was now staining the grass in the garden. Ben had told him not to worry but Callum had been insistent that if he didn’t at least try to sort it out then it would risk ruining the grass in the long term and he’d never forgive himself.  
  
Ben had let him go, knowing full well that it was an excuse on Callum’s part and feeling confused about what he’d done wrong.  
  
After he’s showered and changed into fresh clothes, he goes downstairs to find Callum sitting on the sofa in the living room. He’s biting at his finger nails but the moment he spots Ben he smiles.  
  
“All clean?” he asks.  
  
Ben has known him long enough now to recognise that Callum’s smile isn’t a genuine one. It’s the one he gives when he’s pretending like everything is alright when it’s not.  
  
“Yeah,” he answers, closing the living room door and leaning back against the wall. “What happened up there?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Before we got to the bathroom,” Ben prompts.  
  
Callum shakes his head. “Nothing, I just wanted to sort your garden out. It’s a mess but I’ve tried to soak what I can.”  
  
“I don’t care about the garden Callum. Or the paint. I don’t even care that you didn’t get in the shower with me. I would never have pressured you into that if you didn’t want to. What I care about is you and I care about you telling me the truth.”  
  
Sitting forward on the sofa, Callum sighs and closes his eyes and Ben almost feels his heart fall out of his chest. He readies himself for what’s to come, tries to think of what could have happened to make Callum change his mind about all of this.  
  
“I think we need to cool things off a bit,” Callum says, opening his eyes and turning to him.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Is it?”  
  
And no, it’s not okay. His heart is shattering into millions of pieces but what can he do? Beg for Callum to change his mind? Tell him not to do this?  
  
“If that’s what you need,” he finds himself saying instead. “Can’t stop you from changing your mind about us can I?”  
  
“What? Changing my mind?” Callum stands from the sofa, moving across the room until he is standing in front of him. “Ben, I’m not changing my mind. That’s not….”  
  
Ben looks up at him, can’t even find the willpower to mask the fear when he asks, “You’re not?”  
  
“No. I just…..I can’t keep doing this to her. I need to talk to her.”  
  
“And you think we can stay away from each other?” Ben asks. “Tip-toeing around each other and acting like there’s nothing between us? I’m not having a go or anything, I honestly just want to know how it’ll work.”  
  
Callum moves away, returning to the sofa and sitting back down. Ben stays leaning against the wall, the door next to him offering some kind of comfort.  
  
“I’m not saying it needs to go back to how it was before.”  
  
He huffs out a laugh. “So not going cold turkey then,” he jokes. It falls flat.  
  
“No,” Callum responds.  
  
Ben waits for more but it doesn’t come. “Callum, I really need you to tell me what you want. Am I allowed to hold your hand? Flirt with you? What?” He doesn’t think there is some kind of happy medium in all of this.  
  
“Will you please come and sit down?” Callum asks desperately. Ben hesitates and Callum stretches out a hand, fingers splayed.  
  
Ben steps forward, takes hold of Callum’s hand and sits down bedside him.  
  
“I know I’m asking a lot,” Callum starts.  
  
Ben shakes his head. “You’re not. I just don’t know what it is you're even asking.”  
  
After a moment Callum says, “I still want our cuddles. I like our cuddles. I still want you there at night. I still want all of this.”  
  
“You know there’s an easier way, right?”  
  
“I _have_ to tell her in person,” Callum says firmly.  
  
“Okay. Cuddles and hand holding and sleeping in the same bed it is then. I guess I can cope with that.” Callum looks at him as if he’s surprised and Ben laughs a little. “Hey, I thought you were leaving me before we’d even begun so this is…..This is fine. We can do this.”  
  
Callum smiles at him. “Thank you.”  
  
“So what’s the plan for Whitney?” he asks, squeezing Callum’s hand a little.  
  
“I don’t want to keep pretending everything’s fine. I don’t know. I guess I’ll try and prepare her a bit. Somehow. I don’t know.”  
  
Ben nods. It’s clear to him that Callum still doesn’t have any answers and he’s not sure how he intends to go about preparing Whitney for something like this. But still, he nods and moves to put his head on Callum’s shoulder. He feels Callum lean into him and lets himself relax. But even then the same question plagues his mind:  
  
Can we get through this?


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and leaving kudos/comments on the last chapter :)
> 
> When I first had the idea for this fic, I had a plan in mind for where I wanted it to go and this particular chapter is one that I've been working towards right from the start. These scenes have stuck with me throughout and have stopped the story from veering off in any other direction. As such I've become quite fond of them and I hope you like them as much as I've liked picturing/writing them.
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe!

**Chapter Eighteen  
  
  
  
  
**

A warm glow falls softly over the bathroom, the sunlight of a new day just peeping in through the window. The cool tiles underneath his bare feet come as a relief and Ben turns on the tap, running his hands underneath it before splashing the water into his face. It’s going to be another hot day.

Splashing more water onto his face, he takes pleasure in the instant satisfaction he feels as it hits his skin before reaching out for his towel, pressing his face into it to dry himself again. He allows himself a few seconds, continuing to press the towel into his face before throwing it over the side of the bath beside him.

Turning back to the sink, he looks in the mirror hanging on the wall above it, and almost jumps at the sight of Callum in the reflection. Callum smiles from where he’s standing at the open bathroom door and then moves forward, slinging his arms over Ben’s shoulders and holding him there. Ben leans back into him, resting his head on Callum’s chest. He brings his hands up to hold Callum’s arms tight around him, loving the way he feels so completely enveloped in his embrace.

“You’re up early,” Callum says softly.

“Too warm. Did I wake you?”

“I turned over and you weren’t there. Thought I’d come to find you.”

Ben smiles at that. With Callum usually being the first to wake, he’s getting used to waking up without him there, though he’ll admit that the times Callum has been there have been his favourite.

“Early breakfast?” Callum asks. “Or are you wanting to go back to bed?”

“Breakfast sounds good,” Ben responds, feeling the way his stomach agrees. “Just stay here for a minute though.”

He holds Callum tighter around him and they rock together a little, absentmindedly swaying from side to side. Ben takes a moment to look at the two of them in the mirror. Behind him, Callum smiles softly, breathing in deeply and tightening his hold. He presses his head to the top of Ben's and when their eyes meet in the mirror his smile widens.

“We look pretty good together don’t we?”

“Yeah, we look alright,” Ben responds casually, maintaining his gaze. His smile says otherwise though. They look better than alright. They look amazing together. It’s a sight Ben never thought he’d see – the two of them standing here like this. It’s like a vision. It’s like a dream.

He turns his head and reaches up a little to capture Callum’s lips against his. Callum presses back sure and certain before Ben is breaking away, sighing and shaking his head.

“I’m sorry. I forgot we’re not supposed to do that.”

Callum exhales loudly and closes his eyes. “No, I’m sorry. This isn’t going to work is it?”

“It’s okay,” Ben starts.

“No it’s not. I think things make sense and then all of a sudden they don’t anymore and I’ve got no idea what I’m doing.”

Ben grips at Callum’s arms around him and says, “You’re doing what you can. There’s no guidebook for something like this. You’re doing your best.”

Callum sighs, pressing his head back into Ben’s and looking at them once more in the mirror. Ben looks at their reflection too only Callum is no longer soft smiles and bright eyes. Now the dark clouds have crept over him again and he’s back to being lost.

For the first time in days, the first time since Callum told him he liked him, Ben feels doubt set in. He’s continually been unsure as to how things could work between them whilst they were still in lockdown but has always felt that once it was over they’d be able to be together properly. Officially.

Only now, for the first time, he’s not so sure.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben spends the morning thinking about what post-lockdown life could mean for he and Callum. He’s spent days being certain of where they could end up but he hasn’t given any thought to how they’re going to get there and the prospect that this might not last beyond these four walls, fizzling away like a holiday romance would, settles heavy in his chest.  
  
It’s afternoon by the time Callum calls him out on his mood. Callum is moving around the kitchen, checking their groceries and writing down what they need on a slip of paper. Ben hasn’t been paying any attention, lost in his own thoughts, so it startles him when Callum speaks.  
  
“So, you gonna tell me what’s up?”  
  
Ben looks up from where he’s sitting at the table to see Callum watching him from across the room, pen and paper still in hand but attention firmly on him.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“You’ve been quiet all day and you didn’t say a word through lunch. Talk to me.”  
  
Ben sighs and almost comes up with an excuse before remembering that this is about communication. They’ve been getting good at that lately, it’s been working for them, and he doesn’t want to be the one to ruin it.  
  
“Okay, this is going to sound stupid but have you given any thought to what’s going to happen when lockdown ends?”  
  
“Yeah, course,” Callum responds. “I know I’m making a mess of this but I want to be with you Ben.”  
  
Ben nods a little, thinking about that. He looks down at the table, scratching his thumb nail into the wood, focussing on the same area he moves over.  
  
“I guess I’m just worried that once this is over you’ll go back to Whitney and back into denial again and you’ll pretend like none of this ever happened.”  
  
“Is that really what you think?” Callum asks, concern in his voice.  
  
Ben refuses to look up at him, suddenly feeling vulnerable. He shrugs, pressing his thumb nail harder into the table. The chair next to him scrapes across the floor and he can see Callum sit down in his peripheral vision.  
  
“Look at me.”  
  
It takes a moment but eventually he does.  
  
“I might not be ready to say the word yet, to put a label on what I am, but the way I feel won’t change when this is over. I know I need to sort this out, talk to Whit, tell her about this, and I get why you wouldn’t believe me, but I do want this.”  
  
Ben sees truth in his eyes and he knows Callum means what he’s saying. He’s still struggling to connect that world and this one though.  
  
“Remember the other week when we were talking about what we wanted to do when lockdown was over?” Callum asks. “I said I wanted us to go to the seaside and you said we should get fish and chips with loads of salt and vinegar.”  
  
Nodding, Ben smiles and says, “Yeah, I remember.”  
  
“I still want us to do that. I mean, life’s probably not going to go back to normal for a long time after this but as soon as we can I want to be able to just get in the car and go to the beach somewhere.”  
  
“Whose car will that be then?” he asks, considering neither of them have one.  
  
“You own a Car Lot. Shouldn’t be too difficult to get our hands on one.”  
  
Ben chuckles, feeling lighter now. “Oh right! I see how it is – you’re just using me for the free car journey’s I can provide!”  
  
“Yeah, that’s it, exactly!” Callum grins before turning serious again. “I mean it Ben.”  
  
And yes, Ben can picture it. The perfect little images in his mind of the two of them hurtling down the motorway, singing at the top of their voices, wind in their hair, sunshine beating down. He craves for that and if he were to think about it hard enough, he might even be able to smell the sea salt air and hear the sound of seagull’s squawking, Callum laughing beside him as they sit on the wall overlooking the beach, stealing chips from one another.  
  
“Besides, if anyone should be worried it should be me shouldn’t it?”  
  
Ben opens his eyes – when had he closed them? – and looks at Callum who suddenly looks very unsure of himself.  
  
“Why’s that?” he asks.  
  
“Well, because once you’ve got access to the rest of the male population you’ll forget all about me won’t you? You’ll get out there and you’ll be able to have your pick of any of them.”  
  
Ben shakes his head. “That’s not true. I couldn’t ever forget about you.”  
  
Callum stands, going back over to the cupboards and opening one as he picks up his shopping list from where he’d left it.  
  
“This isn’t really what you do though is it? We’re two different people when it comes to relationships.”  
  
Watching Callum carefully, Ben tries to work out where this is going. He’s jittery, can’t seem to stand still, and he looks wholly uncomfortable.  
  
“Is that what you want? For us to be in a relationship?”  
  
“Reckon I should get out of my current one first,” Callum says, huffing out a laugh but it sounds forced to Ben’s ears. Ben continues to watch him, sees the way the slip of paper shakes in his hands and he’s looking at it with great concentration but Ben doesn’t think he’s actually paying any attention to it. “What if it’s not what you want?” he asks, suddenly anxious now. “What if after this you decide you just want casual? You don’t do relationships, you’ve always said that.”  
  
Oh. Ben sees it now. Callum is just as scared as he is about their future. They’re both scared the other will change their minds. It never occurred to Ben that in all the things Callum is scared of – accepting he is gay, coming to terms with who he is, ending his relationship with Whitney – he’s also scared of this all being for nothing, of Ben wanting something other than him. He’s scared this will all come to an end. Just as Ben is.  
  
Callum turns away, scrunching the list in his hands, apparently done looking at it.  
  
“I won’t want casual,” Ben tells him. “I’ll want you.”  
  
“How can be so sure?”  
  
“Because I…..” He pauses, habit of holding himself back from saying those words. He doesn’t want to hold back anymore. “Because I love you Callum.”  
  
He looks at Callum, waiting for a reaction. His heart is almost beating out of his chest and he prays to a God he doesn’t believe in that this isn’t going to send Callum running for the hills.  
  
Callum turns back to him, their eyes connecting. He opens his mouth and then closes it again, the shock of it written all over his face.  
  
“I wasn’t planning on telling you like this,” Ben adds, attempting to fill the silence that has fallen. “Didn’t think I’d ever get to tell you if I’m honest. But you need to know how serious I am about this.”  
  
Callum looks at him in bewilderment. “I……I don’t……You love me?”  
  
“I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”  
  
Letting go of the paper in his hand, Callum moves unsteadily back over to the table and sits down again.  
  
“I’m sorry, I……I just wasn’t expecting that.”  
  
“If I shouldn’t have – "  
  
“No,” Callum jumps in. “No, I’m…..I’m happy you did, I’m just trying to get my head around it.”  
  
Ben chuckles. “Believe me, I know the feeling.”  
  
Callum is quiet, eyebrows knitted together. “You said you’d, you know......for a long time.” Ben nods. “Like, before lockdown then?”  
  
“God yeah, long before lockdown.” He laughs as he thinks about the years that have gone by where he has loved the man in front of him.  
  
“But when? H-how?”  
  
He smiles at the memory that forms in his mind. “Remember our first night out together?”  
  
“How can I not? You’d been pestering me for weeks!”  
  
“Yeah and then you only agreed to come because Lola and Jay ganged up on you! Anyway, that night, they disappeared off somewhere and it was just you and me and we were dancing and having a good night and…….Do you remember it?”  
  
Callum nods, transfixed by Ben’s story and Ben can tell he's thinking back on it too.  
  
“I came close to asking you out that night,” Ben admits, remembering the way the lights had shone over Callum’s body, the way they had laughed as they’d danced to the music, the way he had felt a happiness he hadn’t felt in a long, long time.  
  
“Why didn’t you?” Callum asks, swallowing hard.  
  
Shrugging, Ben says, “Some girl came along and asked you to dance just as I was about to. You went off with her and that’s when I realised I was barking up the wrong tree.”  
  
Callum looks pensive and he rubs at his forehead. It’s a lot to hear all at once, Ben knows that. It’s a lot for himself to say. But in doing so, he feels like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders, years of truths kept hidden which are now out in the open.  
  
“We’d only known each other for…..what? A month or so by that point?” Callum says.  
  
“I know.”  
  
“You can’t have been in love with me all these years?” Ben hears the doubt in Callum’s voice though. The realisation setting him for him.  
  
Ben cocks his head to the side. “I mean, I wasn’t on _that_ night. I still didn’t properly know you did I? But I was interested in you right from the start, that’s why I kept coming back to the pub all those times, and on that night I realised that I didn’t just want you to be a hook up. I wanted to really get to know you. And after that night, over time……yeah, I fell for you.”  
  
Callum still looks shocked and Ben can tell he’s trying hard to piece it all together – his version of reality compared to Ben’s.  
  
“How did I not know? I’d have known wouldn’t I?”  
  
“I can keep a secret when I want to,” he smiles.  
  
Callum reaches out and takes hold of Ben’s hand. There’s a sadness in his eyes now and Ben isn’t sure what it means.  
  
“All this time,” Callum whispers to himself. “Ben, I’m so sorry I never knew. I can’t even imagine……..All that time.”  
  
It’s so typical of Callum to be apologetic and it makes Ben smile to know that even in this Callum is so pure at heart.  
  
“All those times we spent together and you felt you had to hide it. All those times I went on dates and…….All those years Ben! I can’t imagine what it must have been like. You must have – "  
  
“Hey,” Ben interrupts. “You weren’t to know.”  
  
“I know but – "  
  
“Would it have made a difference if you had?” he asks.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Say that girl hadn’t come along when she did. Say I’d asked you out. Would things have been different?”  
  
Callum is slow in his response but Ben feels like he knows the answer anyway. Callum simply wouldn’t have been ready back then. At best he would have told Ben he was straight, and at worst he would have left the club and avoided Ben from that moment on. It wouldn’t have made a difference.  
  
As if confirming this Callum says, “I guess not.”  
  
“Well then,” replies, smiling despite the tears that are now welling in his eyes.  
  
He’s happy now, shouldn’t really be getting emotional like this, but he’s sad for himself too and for all those years of heartache he went through. In this moment though he’s happy and he thinks that maybe, if this thing between he and Callum is a certainty, then maybe all that heartache will have been worth it.  
  
Ben rubs a thumb over the back of Callum’s fingers. “I love you,” he says again, the words no longer a secret. “And I’m all in if you are.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Callum sends Ben out of the house shortly after that. He’d pushed him out of the door telling him to go for a walk, have a nice time, stay out for as long as possible. Ben had of course had questions, wondering what was going on and why he was being thrown out of his own house. Callum had laughed, told him it was a surprise, and to stop being so nosy.  
  
So that’s how Ben finds himself walking around the streets, gazing at people’s windows as he passes by. There’s a multitude of rainbow pictures, huge signs hanging from fences with messages of hope and optimism, coloured ribbons attached to trees and flying in the breeze.  
  
It strikes him that this is the first time he’s been out of the house on his own since lockdown began. He’s been out with Callum, the two of them going for walks sometimes, but he’s not been getting out as much as he perhaps should have been and not on his own at all. Now that he’s realised this, he feels strange, almost like he wants to rush back to the house to a sense of security. It’s strange to think how quickly some people can adapt in a crisis and maybe he’s become too used to the protection of being within the same four walls.  
  
When he’s been out with Callum he’s barely paid any attention to where they were going or what was going on around him, focussing instead on enjoying the company he was in. Now seeing the world beyond his street feels somewhat fascinating. This is how others have been spending their time, this is how their lives have had to continue moving forwards despite the world being at a standstill.  
  
He sees two children up ahead in one of the gardens. They’re both running around a large cardboard box and laughing together.  
  
“The dragon’s coming!” the little girl shouts, prompting the smaller boy from beside her to clamber into the box.  
  
“Come on Millie!” he cries out as the little girl giggles and climbs in beside him.  
  
“I’m the queen of the castle!” the girl, Millie, sings out.  
  
Ben smiles as he passes the garden. In a world so focussed on all the bad things right now, out here there’s hope. Two children in a back street garden, laughing happily without a care. He knows that there must be thousands, if not millions of houses out there that are the same, full of love and laughter, and it gives Ben hope for the future. A happier tomorrow.  
  
He thinks of Callum, thinks about how he’s just uttered the words he thought he’d keep locked inside of him forever. He never thought there would come a day when he’d be able to tell Callum he loved him. And yet here he is, just hours on from having done so despite all the odds. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen for the two of them, but the doubt from this morning has gone and at this moment he feels that anything is possible. He just has to have a little bit of hope.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He returns home just as Callum rushes out of the kitchen, hastily closing the door behind him so Ben can’t see beyond.  
  
“You’re back! That’s great!” Callum smiles excessively. “Now you should…….go upstairs and have a shower. Maybe change!”  
  
“Are you alright?” he asks, perplexed by Callum’s odd mood.  
  
“Me? Yeah, sure! Tip-top! You know, fine and dandy. Terrific!”  
  
Ben nods slowly. He doesn’t think he’s heard the words ‘tip-top’ and ‘terrific’ from anyone under a certain age before and it would make him laugh if he wasn’t so confused by the man standing in front of him.  
  
“……Okay?”  
  
“So, shower – sounds good right?” Callum says, pushing Ben in the direction of the stairs.  
  
“Let me guess, I’m not allowed to ask questions am I?”  
  
“Nope! Just, you take your time and I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?”  
  
Ben walks up the stairs, stopping midway and looking back at Callum who has a stupid grin on his face from where he’s standing at the bottom. Ben pauses before continuing on his way and wonders what Callum could possibly be up to.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Can I come in now?” Ben calls from where he’s stood in the hallway.  
  
Callum had called for him, letting him know he could come downstairs but as soon as he’d got to the living room and was about to walk through the door, Callum had shouted at him from inside telling him to wait.  
  
Ben can smell that Callum has obviously been cooking and whatever it is smells fantastic but the kitchen door is closed as well, giving nothing away, and he doesn’t understand why it’s his living room Callum has called him to.  
  
“Uh, yeah, yeah. You can come in,” Callum replies.  
  
Ben opens the door, stepping into the room and has to stop to take in the sight before him. The curtains are closed, most of the furniture pushed back to the sides of the room. There’s soft music playing from the CD player, strings of little white fairy lights hanging haphazardly around him which he recognises as being from a box of his Christmas decorations, and tealights dotted around on every available surface.  
  
He brings his eyes to the table in the middle of the room, Callum having brought it in from the kitchen. There's chairs at either side, two plates of food sitting on top. There’s a bottle of wine, and more candles and standing beside the table, nervous smile on his face is Callum. Wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous Callum.  
  
“Say something,” Callum breathes, barely loud enough for Ben to hear him.  
  
Ben feels tears prickle in his eyes, suddenly overwhelmed. “Wow,” he whispers. “What’s…..what’s this for?”  
  
“A few reasons. Firstly because I wanted to say thank you for how much you’ve been here for me over the last couple of weeks and especially in the last few days. I know everything’s a mess and I’m being confusing and I’m dragging you into it all with me, but I couldn’t do all this without you. Just knowing that you’re there makes me feel like maybe things will be okay one day.”  
  
Ben smiles and nods, blinking back the tears. “You don’t have to thank me.”  
  
“I do, but it’s not just about that. After we talked earlier and you were saying that stuff about how you were worried I was going to change my mind after all of this, well I got to thinking. And I know it’s not much, I mean, I had to bring it all in here just because it was still too bright in the kitchen even with the blinds closed and you couldn’t really see the fairy lights or anything and I wanted it to be a bit romantic, you know?” he rambles. “And I could’ve waited until it got dark but we’d have been eating really late and you’d have wanted to do the cooking and this was the only way I could make it work.”  
  
Ben laughs, “Well, I like it. And romantic, eh?”  
  
“Yeah, well that’s what I was going for. I’ve kinda used all your candles and I went over to the shop to see if they had any to replace them but they didn’t so I ended up coming away with the wine instead. Only then when I got back here, I realised you didn’t have any wine glasses because I mean, you don’t have anything in that kitchen of yours, so we’ll have to drink it from just regular glasses, unless you want beer? I can get you a bottle from the fridge if you’d prefer that?”  
  
“Okay, firstly, I’m happy with the wine and I don’t care how we drink it to be honest,” Ben grins, moving closer to Callum. “Secondly, stop complaining about my kitchen! As soon as this is over you and me can go on a shopping trip and I’ll let you find me some wine glasses, chopping knives, _and_ baking stuff, how about that?”  
  
He moves closer still, reaching out and thumbing at the material of the shirt that covers Callum's chest. “And thirdly,” he says, voice quieter now. “Why are you so nervous?”  
  
Callum huffs out a laugh, realising he’s been rumbled. “You have you effect on me.”  
  
“Oh, do I?”  
  
“And also because this is a big deal to me. Remember how you tried to bring The Vic here? Give me a bit of normal life?” Ben nods as he remembers. “Well, I decided to try and bring a date to you.”  
  
Callum motions towards the table and it’s so obvious now. It _is_ romantic but it’s also one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for Ben. He looks back at Callum who’s smiling down at him.  
  
“You said something earlier and I don’t know if you were looking for an answer but……” Callum pauses, eyes firm and serious now. “I’m all in.”  
  
Ben feels his heart leap and can’t stop a tear from escaping. He wipes at his eyes and looks at the table again.  
  
“Well," he breathes out heavily. "This smells amazing and it’s going cold so I think we should eat because if you say any more then I’m going to be a blubbering wreck and believe me, it’s not a pretty sight. And I’ll deny it to anyone you tell.”  
  
Callum laughs, pulling out Ben’s chair for him and allowing Ben to slip in. “Ben Mitchell crying? Never! Your secret’s safe with me.”  
  
Callum attempts to wink at him, making Ben chuckle because he’s still not over how adorable Callum looks when he does it. He watches as Callum comes to sit down opposite to him and thinks that soon this will be his life.  
  
Now that he’s got it, he’s not willing to let it go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And for those who are interested, the story of Ben and Callum's first night out together will be told from Callum's perspective in one of the oneshots following on from this fic :)


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much to everyone who read, left kudos, or commented on the last chapter. It was one of my favourite chapters to write and those scenes had been with me from the start. So thank you. 
> 
> So we're getting into the last few chapters now. There'll be three more, including this one, until we reach the end, but there's still lots to come before we get to that point so......onward to the next chapter!
> 
> So, I know that in this universe, Ben and Callum met three years ago, but there's a mention of a Callum and Phil scene that happened in canon that I've brought up in this chapter and I’ve messed with the timeline to make it fit. It’s a tiny detail and doesn’t make a difference to the story but I thought I’d better mention it anyway to avoid confusion. As such the scene Callum talks about happened years earlier than it did in canon. 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Nineteen  
  
  
  
  
**

It’s a couple of days later when the news comes in. Ben goes in search of Callum to tell him what he’s heard but stops when he finds him in the bedroom, pile of crumpled sheets at his feet as he places a new one on the bed.

“What are you doing?”

“What’s it look like?” Callum chuckles, back to Ben as he folds the corners of the sheet neatly under the mattress. “I’m changing the bedding.”

Ben raises an eyebrow and leans against the doorway, crossing his arms across his chest. “Oh yeah? What kind of action have _I_ been missing out on?”

“Don’t you worry. You haven’t been missing out on anything.”

True to their word, they have successfully managed to hold themselves back from one another over the last few days and it’s been hard. In every sense of the word. Ben bites at his lip as he watches Callum work his way around the bed, appreciating the way his t-shirt accentuates the muscles in his back and arms as he bends over the mattress to tuck the sheets in at the other side. He’s so strong and lean and _fit_ and if Ben had his way he’d be wrestling Callum to the bed, tearing at his clothes and making a mess of those clean sheets already. But he doesn’t because this is the way Callum wants to do things and Ben knows there’ll be plenty of time for sex once this is over, even if his cock feels otherwise.

In a way, there’s something quite alluring about having to hold back from Callum. He’s spent years doing just that so he should be tired of it but there’s something different about this. Knowing that Callum wants him as much as he wants Callum, knowing that it’s not allowed, that he’s been forbidden, it only serves to turn Ben on even more. He feels like he’s waiting for the day they both give in to temptation. He doesn’t know when but it’s only a matter of time. And he’ll revel in it. He’ll make sure to relish every second.

Until then, he’ll wait and watch with a hunger he’s never known before.

But there’s something else about having to hold himself back from Callum too. Something warm and sweet and innocent. What has become more and more apparent to him is just how wonderful the simple moments are between them. There’s always been a certain level of affection between them, right from the early days of their friendship, but when things had changed between them a few weeks ago and they had sex for the first time, the focus changed to the strong sexual attraction they had between each other. That new added side to their relationship was one that Ben had never expected to have with Callum and keeping their hands away from each other became so difficult that almost every moment they spent together became palpable, filled with a tension unlike anything else. 

Stripping that away again now, Ben has been able to see that the gentle affection they’ve always had is still there, it hasn’t disappeared just because the nature of their relationship has changed, and it assures Ben that this really could work between them. The difference between fantasy and reality is that most often, reality doesn’t quite measure up, but Ben feels certain that the perfect little images he’s had in his head for years really could.

It feels a lot like they have done things the wrong way round. They embarked on a sexual relationship to begin with and now here they are practically courting and taking their time. Having to hold himself back has given the little things more meaning. Just the slightest brush of fingertips sends shivers down his spine, the way Callum looks at him with adoration has him feeling like he could melt, and the times they spend in bed at night, huddled close and whispering to each other in the darkness are moments that Ben treasures. It’s all further proof to him that this isn’t just about sex for Callum or for them, that they’re more than that. They’re more than just lust and sexual attraction – they have the makings of something beautiful here.

“Most people change their sheets regularly regardless of whether they’ve seen any action,” Callum says, turning to face Ben now. “Besides, there’s nothing better than fresh bedding when you climb into bed at night.”

“Oh I could think of a few things,” he responds suggestively, because if there’s one thing he’s never been able to reign in it’s his flirtatious nature even when he knows it won’t lead him anywhere. It’s part of who he is.

Callum rolls his eyes and smiles as he puts the pillows back onto the bed. Ben moves further into the room and runs his fingers along the top of the mattress.  


“You do have a way of making something as boring as changing a bed look so fucking good though,” he says, letting himself fall backwards onto the cool and crisp cotton of the sheets and sprawling out on the bed.

“Ben!” Callum scolds. “I’ve literally just put that on.”

“So?”

Callum shakes his head and Ben looks up at him with a small smile on his face resulting in a huff from the man above.

“Just be thankful I hadn’t put the duvet on!”

Ben’s smile widens and he loves this. Loves how they can argue like an old married couple over the most mundane things sometimes but how there’s always an element of flirtation just underneath the surface ready to put in an appearance.

“And what would you have done eh?” Ben teases, voice lowering. “Would I have been in trouble?”

Callum flushes, looking at Ben with a playful gaze. “Stop it,” he warns, but it doesn’t have the effect he perhaps intended it to.

“What?” Ben laughs.

“You know exactly what you’re doing.”

“Okay, okay!” he responds, letting Callum off the hook. He’s had his fun. “There was a point to me coming up here actually.”

“Not to ruin my bed then?”

“Uh, _my_ bed, thank you. Temporarily yours. And no, I came to tell you the news,” he says, shifting slightly to allow Callum to sit down.  
  
Callum looks at him. “What news?”  
  
Ben pushes himself up so that he’s sitting next to Callum. “Bozza has just announced the easing of lockdown.”  
  
“Bozza?”  
  
“Yeah, Boris Johnson,” he clarifies.  
  
“Yeah, I got that, but _Bozza_? Really?”  
  
Ben shrugs. “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”  
  
“You can’t call the Prime Minister Bozza!”  
  
“Why not? You call that squirrel Oliver.”  
  
It seems like a fair comparison but Callum looks utterly perplexed by it. “Bit different Ben.”  
  
“Well, whatever,” he says, letting the subject slide in favour of actually telling Callum about the news update. “Lockdown’s being eased and we’re having to go back to work. Well, those of us who can.”  
  
“Really?” Callum asks in surprise.  
  
Ben nods. He had been equally surprised by the news. “Obviously you won’t be going back because pubs aren’t opening yet, but I’ll have to speak to Jay about how it’s all going to work with the Car Lot. I don’t know how we’ll get it up and running but we’re going to have to come up with a plan between us for how we can make it work and then there’s the marketing side of things and……well all of that.”  
  
Thinking about it now, there’s a lot he and Jay will need to sort out, especially if they’re going to be able to reopen soon. And they’ll have to come up with ways to make back the money they’ve lost. It’s a lot to think about and that’s without considering customers and test drives and everything else.  
  
“Are you worried about going back?” Callum asks.  
  
“It’ll be fine,” Ben brushes off. “Basically, the reason I came to tell you all of this is because if I end up going back to work then you’ll be here on your own and, well, I’ll understand if you want to go back to your flat that's all.”  
  
It had been his first thought when the Prime Minister had made his statement. If he was going back to work then that was the start of life going back to some sense of normality for him which meant coming closer to the bubble that they have been in since the start of lockdown bursting around them.  
  
“Oh. Is that what you want?”  
  
Ben shakes his head. “No, I want you to stay here. But the whole point of you coming here was for us to keep each other company and with me being out of the house, I don’t know, I don’t want you to feel weird being here by yourself.”  
  
“I’d like to stay,” Callum says, smiling a little.  
  
“Okay,” he replies, nodding his head and feeling a wave of relief wash over him.  
  
That was easy. Ben will prepare to go back to work and Callum will stay here. So that's settled.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s a short while later when Ben goes downstairs to start preparing their evening meal. He feels fresh from his shower and a little better about the idea of returning to work after speaking to Jay on the phone. Now, he just wants to eat and settle down for an evening on the sofa curled up with Callum at his side.  
  
As he reaches the bottom of the stairs and turns to walk down the hallway, he sees Callum is already in the kitchen, moving back and forth between the cupboards and the oven, as steam rises from a pan that is balanced on one of the hobs. He looks soft in the hoodie he’s wearing and Ben wants to wrap his arms around him and hold him tight.  
  
Callum sets out two plates on the unit and smiles at him as Ben approaches.  
  
“Someone’s breaking the rules,” Ben teases. “Dinner’s my job.”  
  
“Thought I’d shake things up a bit tonight,” Callum chuckles.  
  
“You cooked the other night as well though.”  
  
Callum stirs the contents of the pan. “That was different. We had a date.”  
  
Ben smiles at the memory of that evening. It had been so wonderful and unlike anything he could ever have imagined. It was like something out of a fairytale, something perfect just for them.  
  
“And this?” he asks, motioning towards the pan.  
  
“This is because if you’re going back to work then I can’t expect you to come home and start cooking for both of us when I’ve been sitting around doing nothing all day. Figured I may as well start now.”  
  
Ben grins. “Turning into a proper little house wife aren’t you?”  
  
Callum smiles, focusing on stirring the contents of the pan and adding in some more chopped peppers. He’s a natural in the kitchen, looks like he belongs there, and Ben can’t help himself. He steps forward, moving behind Callum and wrapping his arms around him. Callum is warm and soft and Ben presses his nose in his shoulder for a moment before stretching to place a kiss in the crook of Callum’s neck. He shouldn’t, he knows, but one kiss won’t hurt.  
  
“What you cooking?” he mumbles into Callum’s neck.  
  
“Stir fry. That okay?”  
  
“Yeah. Smells amazing. Want any help?” Ben asks as he moves away, standing to the side and leaning on the unit to give Callum space.  
  
“No,” Callum smiles, shaking his head and motioning towards the table. “You just sit down there and carry on being your sexy self.”  
  
Ben’s eyes widen at the comment, a pleasant feeling rushing through him at the compliment. “Wow, what has gotten into you tonight? All these aromas going to your head are they?”  
  
“Something’s going to my head and it’s not the aromas.”  
  
Callum winks at him causing Ben to laugh. This is so unlike any version of Callum he has seen before and he doesn’t know what to make of it. There’s something thrilling about it and Ben laughs at the happiness vibrating through him.  
  
“That was a bit cringe wasn’t it?” Callum winces, suddenly questioning himself. “Don’t think I’ve quite mastered this yet.”  
  
“Don’t ever change babe,” Ben says, freezing when he realises what he’s said. Callum is staring at him and Ben has never really been one to blush but he feels heat rising on his cheeks and he’s certain it’s not from the steam of the pan. “Sorry. I-it just slipped out. I, I didn’t – "  
  
“Don’t apologise,” Callum interrupts, looking shy himself and lowering his eyes to the pan as a small smile tugs at his lips. “I liked it.”  
  
Ben feels the way his heart flips in his chest and nods even though Callum isn’t looking his way. God, he never thought he could fall any deeper in love with this man. This man who he sees blooming right before his eyes. Every day Callum does something or says something and Ben falls that little bit more. He’s so lucky. So incredibly lucky.  
  
He leaps up onto the kitchen unit, favouring sitting there rather than at the table. He tells himself it’s just to oversee the cooking and be on hand if Callum decides he does need help, but really he knows it’s just because he can stay just that little bit closer to Callum here.  
  
He watches Callum as he cooks and thinks, not for the first time, about how domesticated this all is. Callum isn’t just a natural in the kitchen but he’s a natural in Ben’s kitchen especially. He belongs here and sometimes Ben forgets that it hasn’t always been this way, that Callum has only been here for just short of two months.  
  
It feels natural to have Callum beside him as they watch movies together, as they play board games or sit in the garden or scroll through their social media feeds looking at memes or videos. It feels natural to see him making breakfast in the morning or hear the shower running upstairs or hear him humming as he does his Sudoku’s. It feels natural to see Callum’s toothbrush next to his in the bathroom, to see his clothes in the wash basket, and to see his hair products littered around the house for reasons unknown. There’s traces of Callum everywhere and it all feels so, so natural.  
  
“I could sit here and watch you for the rest of my life and not get bored.”  
  
It comes out without him even thinking about it and he doesn’t realise he’s said it out loud until Callum looks at him, a mystified gaze in his eyes.  
  
Ben forces a laugh and adds, “And you thought you were cringe eh?”  
  
Callum chuckles a little, still staring intensely at him. “Sometimes you say things and…..”  
  
“What?” he asks when he doesn’t say any more. Callum’s eyes flick down Ben’s face for a second before he shakes his head as if to clear himself of whatever he’s thinking and turns back to the oven.  
  
“Come here,” Ben says, pulling on Callum’s hoodie.  
  
Callum let’s go of the wooden spoon he’s been using to stir and moves towards him, putting his hands at either side of Ben’s thighs and resting them on the unit. Ben winds his legs around Callum’s hips, drawing him closer and reaches up to place a hand on the back of his neck. Callum moves with him and their foreheads come to rest together, eyes closed as they breathe each other in.  
  
“Ben,” Callum whispers.  
  
“Shh, I know.”  
  
And Ben doesn’t know what it is he’s telling him – that he knows they can’t or that he knows what Callum feels because he feels it too – but he knows Callum will understand anyway.  
  
They stay like that for a moment, pressed together and quietly breathing, falling into a world that’s theirs and theirs alone. This thing between them is overpowering sometimes, all-encompassing, and a force greater than he’s ever known.  
  
“I really want to kiss you right now,” he breathes, eyes still closed.  
  
“Yeah,” Callum responds.  
  
He should feel sad that they can’t but he’s not. He’s happy knowing that they both want this, that they’re both on the same page and that one day it will be theirs. With each new day that passes, they come closer and closer to reaching it and Ben doesn’t care how long it takes, certain in the knowledge that it will come.  
  
He moves his arms down Callum’s back and pulls him closer until Callum is wrapping his own arms around Ben and bringing them into a hug.  
  
“You make me so happy,” he says quietly, not sure whether Callum can hear him over the sizzle and spitting of the pan but feeling exposed anyway.  
  
Callum tightens his hold. “You make me happy too Ben.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The stir fry is just as good as Ben had known it would be and they eat together, laughing over memories of some of the most cringe worthy and embarrassing things they’ve ever done.  
  
“You didn’t!” Ben gasps, bursting into laughter as Callum tells him about an encounter he’d had with Ben’s father once whilst he’d been serving him in The Vic.  
  
“I did! Suggested he do it on the karaoke but he just looked at me like I was stupid!”  
  
Ben laughs loudly, conjuring up the image in his mind. “I can’t believe you sang ‘500 Miles’ to my Dad!”  
  
“Yeah well, he didn’t see the funny side. Felt like a right idiot.”  
  
“How come you’ve never told me this?”  
  
Callum laughs along with Ben and shrugs. “It was before we met. And you never really talk about him so I never brought it up.”  
  
It’s true that up until lockdown, Ben had very rarely mentioned that side of his family. He has little contact with his Dad these days, only living at his house after he’d returned from travelling for a brief time while he found a place of his own to live. Since then his Dad has moved to Portugal and as a result Ben hasn’t felt the need to talk about him that often. Out of sight, out of mind.  
  
But even so, the thought that Callum had once upon a time actively encouraged him to get up and sing karaoke and then gone as far as to sing The Proclaimers to him amuses Ben to no end.  
  
“Okay, yeah, you win. I don’t think I’ve done anything _that_ embarrassing,” Ben says, wiping at his eyes, drying his tears after laughing so hard.  
  
“He didn’t even raise a smile or nothing!”  
  
“Don’t! You’ll set me off again!” he chuckles, feeling the way his ribs ache and trying to calm himself.  
  
Callum grins, scooping up some of his stir fry and continuing to eat.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“I’ll wash up,” Ben says after they’ve eaten. “You did the cooking.”  
  
“Okay, I won’t argue with that.”  
  
Ben stands, picking up both their plates and taking them over to the sink. As he puts them down onto the unit he hears a ping and turns to look in the direction it came from, noticing Callum’s phone on charge in the corner.  
  
“I didn’t know you’d switched your phone back on,” he comments, looking across to Callum who stands from his chair and walks over to check on the notification that has just come through.  
  
“Yeah, the other day.”  
  
Callum pulls the charging cable out and picks up the phone as Ben reaches for the washing up liquid, squirting some into the washing up bowl. He glances towards Callum as he puts the bottle back down and notices how he’s standing stock-still, vacant stare in his eyes.  
  
“What?” he asks, worrying a little at Callum’s expression.  
  
Callum doesn’t respond but slowly looks up from his phone to meet Ben’s gaze.  
  
“What is it?” he asks again.  
  
“Whitney’s coming home.”


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for kudos and comments left on the last chapter! It means so much to know this is being enjoyed. 
> 
> I apologise for any spelling errors in this chapter. I always proof read before posting but sometimes miss my own mistakes and I'm sweltering in this heat today so it's likely I've missed more than usual. 
> 
> I've played around with the lockdown measures in the next couple of chapters. I don't condone moving between houses during lockdown and in the current timeline strict measures were still in place. This is simply for the purpose of telling the story. 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Twenty**

  
  
  
  
“Whitney’s coming home.”

Ben feels his whole world turn upside down with those three words. His heart feels like it’s falling out of his chest and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Callum is still staring at him, standing in front of him and looking like he perhaps feels the same way.

“W-when?” Ben asks, finding his voice. The words are rough, his throat having become dry all of a sudden.

“Tuesday.”

Tuesday.

Tuesday.

It’s Sunday now. That’s only two days away.

He feels dizzy and places his hands beside the sink to try to ground himself, gripping tightly to the ledge.

“Right,” he answers, feeling at a loss for words. What else can he say? Whitney is coming home on Tuesday and nothing he says will make a difference.

That cosy, warm, beautiful bubble that they’ve made for themselves has been getting closer and closer to bursting the more the days have gone and even though Ben knew it eventually would, he has ignored it, blocking out the consequences of what would happen when it did.

That moment is now. This is the moment the bubble bursts. It’s too soon.  
  
“I need to reply,” Callum says, breaking the silence they have fallen into.  
  
Ben nods, focussing on the gloop of the washing up liquid at the bottom of the washing up bowl. He hadn’t even got round to turning the tap on to fill it with water. He stares at it, feeling disconnected. Just minutes ago they had been laughing as they finished eating. Ben had got up to take their plates to the sink and then his whole world had changed. How can something change that quickly? How is it that mere minutes ago he was the happiest he has ever been and now he feels like his heart is lying on the floor and being stamped on.  
  
He’s aware of Callum tapping at his phone from beside him, writing a message back to Whitney, and he thinks about how this was always going to happen one way or another. It shouldn’t come as a surprise and yet it’s happened all too quickly.  
  
He’s never given any thought to this. He’s thought about Whitney being back and about Callum potentially leaving, he’s thought about what could happen after she returned knowing that one day she would. But he’s never given any thought to _this_ part – the finding out. The knowing she’s coming back. The moments before the return. The waiting.   
  
He feels sick.  
  
Callum puts his phone down on the kitchen unit and Ben feels his eyes on him.  
  
“What did you say?” he asks, hating how badly he wants to know.  
  
Callum slides the phone across the unit towards him, tapping onto the messages and opening the conversation for Ben to read. Ben releases his grip on the unit, takes a moment to steady himself, before looking down to read the screen.  
  
 _‘Back on tuesday. I know you want to talk about stuff. Meet up in the afternoon?’_  
  
He reads Callum’s response then.  
  
 _‘Please. Let me know when your train’s due to get in. We’ve got lots to talk about.’_  
  
Ben scoffs and pushes the phone away. “That’s an understatement.”   
  
He berates himself for his tone, knowing Callum has picked up on it straight way, but he can feel his walls coming up despite the certainties he’s had over the last few days. Hell, even five minutes ago he was so, so sure of everything. But reading the messages between Whitney and Callum makes it all very real somehow.  
  
Callum picks the phone back up, taking it back to home screen and locking it.  
  
“I didn’t know you’d been in touch with her,” Ben says, his mind whirring now as his brain catches up from the initial shock. “I know you said you had to talk to her, prepare her or whatever, but I didn’t know you actually had.”  
  
“I couldn’t keep pretending to her.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
Ben focuses on anything but Callum. He’s avoided his gaze ever since Callum told him Whitney was coming back and he knows if he looks his way now, if he looks into Callum’s eyes, he might break there and then.  
  
He thinks back to the day they painted the back door, the conversation they’d had after Callum had decided not to join him in the shower. He remembers Callum saying those words, that he didn’t want to keep pretending with her, that he needed to talk to her. Had he done it that night? The day after? When? Ben supposes it doesn’t matter, it wouldn’t have changed anything if he’d known, but it still unsettles his stomach in a way he can’t understand.  
  
“We’ve not spoken or anything,” Callum tells him. “Just a few messages here and there. She’s been busy. But I told her, I said we needed to talk when we next saw each other. Told her there’s a lot I need to say. A lot she needs to know.”  
  
“I thought you would’ve told me that’s all.”  
  
“I didn’t want you to worry.”  
  
And Ben supposes that makes sense but he so badly wanted it to be the two of them in this together. He so badly wanted to support Callum, not have him go off and deal with it himself.  
  
The phone starts buzzing in Callum’s hand and Ben feels himself freeze. Whitney’s name appears on the screen and he chances a glance Callum’s way but Callum’s eyes are already fixated on it. Ben looks down at the phone, the buzzing sound filling the room around them. His heart thunders and he feels like he can’t breathe and the longer they stand here the worse it becomes.  
  
Ben keeps his eyes on the phone. “Answer it.”  
  
“Ben – “ Callum starts, voice hollow.  
  
“Just answer it Callum.”  
  
Ben turns and heads for the door. He has to get out of this room. He leaves, walking down the hallway and feeling Callum’s eyes on his back. And as he turns to walk up the stairs, he hears the sound of Callum’s voice once more, only it’s not directed at him.  
  
“Hi Whit.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Upstairs, Ben lies on his bed, face pressed down into his pillows until the blood rushes to his head and he’s able to focus on something other than Callum and Whitney and everything that’s just happened. The churning in his stomach continues on and he doesn’t think it’s got anything to do with the lack of oxygen reaching his lungs.  
  
When he can’t take it anymore, he rolls over onto his back, breathing in deeply in an attempt to catch up on the air he’s been restricted to. His head swims and it’s all he can do but centre his attention on the pulsating throb behind his eyes. He closes them until he feels himself settle and when he opens them again that’s when he knows he has to face this. He can’t pretend it hasn’t happened. He can’t push it away and deal with it later. Right now, Callum is downstairs talking to Whitney on the phone and Ben has to figure out what that will end up meaning for himself.  
  
Once more he thinks about the night Callum had said he needed to talk to her. Had he done it that night? He doesn’t know why he’s so hung up on the question of when, again reminding himself that it wouldn’t have made a difference but feeling unsettled by it anyway.  
  
Ben thinks about the following day. Had there been any indication that Callum had spoken to her then? That had been the day Ben had told him he loved him and he thinks back to that conversation and remembers now that Callum had once again said he needed to talk to her.  
  
He fast forwards through that day in his mind. Callum had sent him out so that he could set up a date for the two of them. Later, he had told Ben that he was all in and Ben had felt his heart soar as a result.  
  
Putting the pieces together, Ben assumes that must have been the day Callum got in touch with her. In between Ben telling him he loved him and Callum offering his own commitment later. It doesn’t do anything to unsettle the tidal waves in his stomach but he does feel like he’s managed to make sense of something at least.  
  
He wonders what Callum had said to her. Wonders what Whitney had said back. He wonders what they’re saying to each other _right_ _now_. He can hear Callum’s voice from downstairs but can’t make out what is being said or the tone of the conversation. God, he hates this.  
  
He can’t help the doubt that creeps in again. Callum had said he hadn’t told him because he hadn’t wanted to worry Ben but what if there’s more to it? What if Callum hasn’t said anything to her? What if they’ve been speaking more than Callum has lead him to believe? Have they happily been talking to each other this whole time, Callum keeping up the pretence? Or has Callum been stringing him along? No intention of breaking up with Whitney but having his fun with Ben just because he can?  
  
 _No_.  
  
No. That’s not who Callum is. Callum wouldn’t do that. Ben tries to drag his thoughts away from the direction they’re going in, knowing that his mind has always been his own worst enemy and heading off down the path it’s trying to take him will do him no favours. Callum is good and kind and warm. He is the sunshine bringing light to the darkness of Ben’s life and this has meant something to him. To both of them.  
  
He thinks about the nights he has seen Callum falling apart under the strain of discovering a part of him he’s kept hidden for so many years. If all of this was fun to Callum, a game to pass the time until Whitney returned, then those nights wouldn’t have happened. He wouldn’t have gone through the pain of it if it all meant nothing to him.  
  
So no. If Callum has said he’s barely spoken to Whitney then he’s barely spoken to Whitney. And if he’s said that he’s told her they need to talk when she returns then that’s true as well. Ben had at least seen the evidence of that when he’d read the message that had come through from Whitney earlier.  
  
Ben thinks about Whitney. Thinks about how much she knows, if anything. Wonders if she’s asked questions, wonders if she’s started to put the fragments together. And he thinks about Callum. Thinks about how scary it must be for him to have Whitney coming back and knowing that the time has come to tell her everything. As much as Ben is feeling, it’s nothing compared to what Callum must be.  
  
But even so, the unsettled feeling in the pit of his stomach is still there and even though he’s trying to fight them down, remind himself of the things he knows to be true, he can still sense his walls coming up, ready to guard his heart and protect him against any hurt due to come his way.  
  
The world had given him everything only to cruelly snatch it away again the moment he had it in his grasp. And all of this is too soon.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben hears the footsteps first. He hears the way the stairs creak under Callum’s weight and can’t stop the feeling of dread rising within him. This could be the moment everything changes. He thinks he’d rather not know, hide away from this and come out when it’s over. But he’s a glutton for punishment and already knows he’d going to try and get as much information out of Callum as he can.  
  
There’s a knock on the bedroom door but Ben doesn’t move, instead staying where he’d laid, eyes staring ahead at the wall. He sees the door open from the corner of his eye and glances in that direction just as Callum appears.  
  
“Hi,” he says quietly, hovering by the door.  
  
Ben watches him for a moment before shifting his eyes back to the wall. He feels his throat constricting, knows his defence mechanisms are setting in, but it’s too late to stop them now.  
  
Callum moves across the room, his shadow appearing on the wall as a result of the setting sun outside, and Ben feels the dip in the bed when he comes to sit on the edge behind him.  
  
There’s silence then. Deafening silence that Ben wants to tear apart but it feels too heavy and he doesn’t know how. He stays where he is, staring at the wall and feeling tingles up and down his spine from having Callum so near. Because even though he feels sick to the stomach and he wants to protect his heart from whatever damage it’s about to come to, Callum’s effect on him is still the same.  
  
“Whitney alright?” he asks when the silence becomes too uncomfortable. He doesn’t really care how she is if he’s honest, he just wants to know what was said on the phone.  
  
Ben likes Whitney, he always has. In his rational mind he knows that none of this is fair on her and that she’s done nothing wrong but god, he hates her right now for her timing. Things were just getting good, they were getting _so_ good, and now she’s coming back and he feels like she’s wrecking the beautiful world he and Callum have created together.  
  
Only she’s not is she? It’s the other way around and it hits him hard when he realises it; when he looks at the reality of their situation. Ben is the outsider here, not Whitney. He’s the one who has gate-crashed. He and Callum may be creating a world for themselves now but Callum was part of another world before all of this. He was part of a world with Whitney, whatever that had entailed, and now that she’s coming back Ben feels like he’s the one looking in from the outside, just praying for Callum to remember he’s there.  
  
Ben feels paralysed by the thought, drowning so much in the notion of it that it takes a moment to realise that Callum is talking.  
  
“So it makes sense that she comes back,” Callum is saying now, Ben trying his best to catch up on what he’s missed. “The family are going back to work, her brother’s around to keep an eye on things but they’re all old enough to look after themselves. Between you and me I think she’s seeing this as a good excuse to get out of the mad house.”  
  
Ben nods a little, still looking at the wall ahead, trying his best to look past Callum’s shadow. He’s unsure what to say. It is what it is, isn’t it? It’s not like Whitney can go back to work, not until The Vic reopens but her return would have happened sooner rather than later. He knows that.  
  
Callum is quiet from behind him and perhaps that is Ben’s cue to talk but it’s like a double edged sword – he can’t bear to hear another word but he can’t bear the not knowing either.  
  
“I’m going to tell her,” Callum says firmly, as if he can sense the war going on in Ben’s mind.  
  
Ben wants it to be true but now that they’re here he can’t imagine how that will even work. The world isn’t like he thought it might be when Whitney returned. As the days have gone on it’s become clearer that life out there won’t be going back to normal for a long time. Even if Callum knows what he’s going to say, how is it going to be possible?  
  
“How though Callum?” he asks, keeping his eyes fixed ahead. “It’s not like you can invite her to the flat for a coffee. She gonna stand two metres away from you outside is she?” They’re all genuine questions and he hates the way he can hear the hurt in his own words. He wonders if Callum can hear them too.  
  
“I don’t know. I’ve not had chance to think about how. Been too busy thinking about what I’m going to say if I’m honest. But I mean, she’d practically moved into the flat before all of this and a lot of her stuff’s there so she’ll have to go over at some point.”  
  
Ben can’t help the stab of jealousy he feels about that. Whitney and Callum had almost been living together. Her clothes and her make up and her hair products are littered around the flat, sitting there alongside Callum’s things like they belong there. And once again he’s reminded that he’s the one on the outside. He’s the one wanting to belong.  
  
“Right, yeah, I forgot – the only reason you two didn’t isolate together was because she went to stay with family. If she hadn’t, you and her would’ve been holed up together all cosy for weeks on end now.”  
  
“Ben,” Callum sighs from behind him.  
  
He hates how he must sound, hates how defensive he feels. He knows he should be supporting Callum right now, giving him strength to go and face Whitney and reveal something he’s been battling with for so long. Be he can’t risk lowering his walls again, not just yet, not when it might all be for nothing. He’s readying himself for a fall.  
  
Callum is quiet again so Ben adds, “You’d have still been blissfully enjoying life in Narnia and I’d have been here on my own. It’s crazy how things turn out isn’t it?”  
  
He thinks about how different it would have been if Whitney hadn’t gone away in the first place. Callum would be over at the flat with her, happy and carefree. Ben would have been here, alone, loving a man he could never have. He and Callum wouldn’t be together. It’s only really because of the pandemic that they’re here now. They would never have got together otherwise.  
  
Ben feels bile in the back of his throat and tears prickle in his eyes and he’s glad that Callum can’t see his face. He’s been living the last few days in some kind of dream land, living out a fantasy and hoping it could be true. But it’s not. He could never have something as good as this. He and Callum aren’t written in the stars, destined to be together, a love against all odds. What he and Callum have is just the result of a pandemic and without that it never would have happened.  
  
“I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else Ben,” Callum responds. “You have to believe that.”  
  
Ben squeezes his eyes shut, trying to stop more tears from coming. He can’t hear things like that. Not right now. Not when his heart so badly wants to believe it and his head is screaming at him not to.  
  
“How you gonna distance yourself from her?” he asks, hoping that focusing on the logistics will help to block out the emotions. “What if she comes running at you with open arms?”  
  
“She won’t.”  
  
“But what if she does?” Ben pushes, opening his eyes again and fixing them on a small bump in the paintwork of the wall. A reminder that nothing is perfect.  
  
Callum sighs. “I don’t know Ben,” he says, sounding frustrated now. “I don’t know, alright? Social distancing’s gonna go on for a long time probably and couples can’t be expected to stay apart all that time just because they haven’t been isolating together. At some point they’re gonna defy the rules.”  
  
Ben feels his blood run cold and he turns then, looking pointedly at Callum. It’s the first time he’s looked his way since Callum came into the room.  
  
“Right. Yeah, of course,” Ben says, voice rough. “You can’t be expected to distance yourself from your girlfriend can you Callum?”  
  
Callum seems to realise his mistake then, shaking his head. “I didn’t mean it like that.”  
  
It’s too late though. Head wins out over heart and Ben just wants to block everything out. Wants to block Callum out.  
  
“No, it’s fine, I understand. Look, I’m tired so I’m gonna go to bed now.”  
  
“It’s still light out – "  
  
“I’m going to sleep Callum,” he says, firm tone now, turning his back on Callum again.  
  
The room falls quiet again and Ben waits, hoping Callum will get the message and leave him alone.  
  
“You’re staying here?” Callum asks after a moment, voice shaking.  
  
Ben wants to turn back again, pull Callum towards him and make it better for both of them but he doesn’t know how and even if he did, holding them both up could destroy him.  
  
His throat feels tight when he says, “I think that’s probably for the best.”  
  
The seconds tick by slowly, time dragging out between them, but eventually Ben feels the bed shift and soft footsteps padding across the floor. He closes his eyes, not wanting to see Callum leave, and waits until he’s sure he’s gone.  
  
And when he’s alone, certain that Callum is no longer in earshot, he lets the tension in his bones break, tears coming fast, shaking with the sobs that rattle through his body.  
  
And it's in that moment that he feels the soft, beautiful world he’s come to know split in two.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben wakes to a dark room, the daylight now gone. He feels numb and headachy from tears he knows he should have tried harder to keep at bay and he turns over in the bed, feeling for his phone to check on the time. The screen is bright and he closes his eyes again, blinded by the light, before looking back at it. It’s just gone past four o’clock in the morning and he wonders how long he’s slept for.  
  
He thinks of Callum, because of course he does. Callum is never far from his mind. He still feels hurt after the events of the evening, still feels a stabbing pain in his chest that seems impossible to get rid of, and he still feels a need to protect himself from any more damage to his heart.  
  
Now that he’s slept though he wonders if he had overreacted earlier, if he perhaps should have been more patient. He had pushed Callum away out of fear that he was going to lose him anyway and now all he wants is Callum by his side again because even though it may hurt, even though it may tear him to shreds in the end, he can’t bear the thought of being without him. He wants Callum by his side forever but this could be it couldn’t it? One day this could be another hazy memory, almost like it never happened, like it never meant anything.  
  
Only it does mean something. It means everything. The thought that he might lose what has become his everything terrifies him.  
  
It’s a warm night but Ben feels cold without Callum and even though he’s hurting and daren’t think about what the future holds for them now, he still itches to be near him. He needs Callum like he needs air. He needs Callum to breathe.  
  
Getting out of the bed, he stands on shaky legs and heads out of the room. He makes the all too familiar journey towards Callum’s bedroom and wonders if this might be for the last time.  
  
Reaching the door, he opens it, quietly stepping into the room.  
  
“Ben?” Callum says, voice raw like he’s been crying. The darkness gives nothing away though.  
  
Ben hadn’t expected him to be awake and feels guilty suddenly at the thought of him staying up all night in tears and not feeling like he could reach out because Ben had pushed him away.  
  
“I uh, I just wanted to be here.”  
  
Callum sits up in the bed and Ben steps closer. He can see Callum’s eyes glistening and tells himself it’s just the way the light of the moon is catching them. But he knows he’s lying to himself really.  
  
“Earlier, I wasn’t thinking about my words and stuff,” Callum sniffs. “I don’t want you to think – "  
  
“Please stop,” Ben interrupts. He can’t have this conversation now, not when they’re both emotional and tired from a restless night. “Can we leave it until the morning?”  
  
“But you need to know – "  
  
“Please Callum. Please don’t say anything more.”  
  
Callum sniffs again and nods then, lying down again and moving the duvet back to allow Ben to climb in. Ben goes to him immediately, shuffling in beside him and curling himself close to Callum’s body, resting his head on his chest. The feeling of safety is instant when Callum puts his arms around him and Ben tugs at his t-shirt in an attempt to bring them closer, pressing his nose into the material and sighing.  
  
“Can we just lie here?” he asks, knowing how vulnerable he sounds but not having the energy to care.  
  
Fingers press into him as Callum continues to hold him close. “Yeah. Yeah, we can just lie here.”  
  
Ben closes his eyes and wriggles closer. He allows himself this moment to commit everything to memory knowing that one day it may be all he has left. He focuses on the feel of Callum’s body beneath him, strong and safe and secure. He listens intently to the sound of Callum’s steady heart beating, so close to his own, working in tandem. He can feel the way Callum is gently running his fingers through his hair, almost like he’s is trying to soothe not only Ben but himself as well. He tries to memorise the way Callum smells, the fruity smell of his shower gel and something so completely unique to Callum.  
  
He takes all of this in, storing it away safely in his mind and hopes he’ll never forget. These next few days with Callum could be his last. He’ll hold on until there’s nothing left.


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we go with the last chapter! I know I say this with every update but I really can’t begin to express how much it means to have had so much support on this fic. Whether you’ve read, left kudos, commented, done all three, I honestly can’t thank you enough. 
> 
> I have never written a multi-chaptered fanfic before. Anything I’ve written in the past has always been oneshots or long story original works and no one has ever read them, so I had no idea how this would be perceived or whether people would like it and I never thought it would see the light of day. I really didn't expect this kind of reaction and just the thought that even one person took time out of their day to read this means so, so very much. 
> 
> To those of you who have commented on this, I apologise for any lengthy responses you’ve had in return. But it’s because of your comments that I’ve come to enjoy this story too and I never thought I’d say that about my own writing. But you’ve all done so much good for me personally in ways I’d can’t explain.
> 
> Again, thank you so, so, so much for reading and…..
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe :)

**Chapter Twenty-One  
  
  
  
  
**

Ben spends the rest of the night in and out of sleep. He’s certain the same can be said for Callum too. Every time Callum shifts from beside him, Ben finds himself awake, and every time he himself moves, he wakes Callum up.

Eventually he gives up on trying to find sleep and stares at the ceiling instead, eyes stinging from crying and tiredness. The sun is shining in through the curtains, a sign of another beautiful day, but Ben wishes for dark clouds and thunder storms, a better fit for his mood. The sun is positive and hopeful, all the things Ben isn’t anymore. It’s like it’s mocking him, laughing down at him from above.

It’s Monday. Whitney is coming home tomorrow. He’s going to lose Callum. With the hours that have passed, it’s something Ben has resigned himself to now. He still feels his defences raised, he’s still hurting, but he’s sad now more than anything. Sad that it’s over. Sad that he’s going to have to let go of Callum sooner rather than later, whenever that may be.

He wants to believe that Callum will be honest with Whitney, tell her everything and then start a new life with him, but there was something about the way Callum was talking last night that makes him doubt it. He can’t force Callum to tell Whitney anything; can’t force him to come out if he’s not ready. Callum had sounded certain of his words but the fear in his eyes told Ben something different and Ben is worried that in the end it will be fear that wins out.

It’s as he’s thinking about all of this that he feels Callum’s eyes on him. He keeps his own on the ceiling, waiting to see if Callum will say anything and when he doesn’t Ben turns his head to look his way.

They look at each other for a long time, neither knowing quite what to say but knowing the first words spoken will dictate the tone of their day. Callum reaches a hand out after a while and gently traces his finger along the side of Ben’s face. Ben let’s his eyes flutter closed, soothed by the soft caresses Callum leaves. Callum moves to his mouth, tracing his finger lightly along Ben’s lips. It’s like he’s mapping Ben out, making a memory for himself to keep and Ben wonders if that’s what he really is doing – preparing to leave.

Ben let’s his eyes open again and Callum pauses in his movements, bringing his hand back down to rest between them.

“I don’t want us to be like this,” Callum says quietly. “Not today.”

Ben wonders briefly what _‘this’_ means but finds himself more concerned with the latter part. Today. What is today for them?

“Why? Because it’s the last day?” he asks. It’s a test and he knows it. He doesn’t mean to but he has to know what Callum is thinking. He’s desperate for Callum to tell him it’s not their last day, tell him that they have a lifetime of days left and restore some hope in Ben that he has lost overnight.

Callum stares at him for a moment, their eyes connected. Ben tries to get a read on him but there’s a blank look on his face which gives nothing away.

Lowering his gaze, Callum is still quiet when he says, “Yeah, I suppose so.”

It confirms what Ben had already thought but hadn’t wanted to know. But still, he needs Callum to be clear.

“You’re going back to your flat?” he asks. He knows, has known ever since last night if he’s being honest with himself, but he hadn’t been expecting all of this to happen so quickly.

Callum thumbs at the bed sheets. “It was always the plan wasn’t it? I would have been going back there eventually.”

Ben nods and tries not to cry. It _was_ always the plan but now they’re here, having been through what they’ve been through, and Ben doesn’t want him to go. He can’t imagine this house without Callum in it anymore.  
  
They lie in silence once more, minutes ticking by. Ben keeps his eyes on Callum, whilst Callum continues to pick at the sheets, occasionally looking up but looking away just as quickly when their eyes meet.  
  
Outside the birds are tweeting and Ben wonders how life can go on when his entire world is falling apart.  
  
“I meant what I said last night,” Callum says after a long while. “I am going to tell her.”  
  
Ben feels something stab at his chest. Callum says this now but that doesn’t mean he’s going to do it.  
  
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep Callum.”  
  
Callum looks up at him then, sadness in his eyes. “Why don’t you believe me?” he asks tiredly. He sounds like he has no fight left and honestly? Ben knows the feeling. He’s already accepting the inevitable. Maybe they’re both giving up a little.  
  
“It’s not that I don’t believe you. I believe that you mean it right now. But everything could change the moment you step foot outside of this door. You’ll walk back into your old life and remember how it was and Whitney will be there and you won’t be able to tell her. You’ll put it off for later on and then it’ll turn into the next day and the day after that and then you just won’t.”  
  
Callum shifts, propping himself up onto an elbow and looking down at Ben. “I’ve already told her there’s things we need to talk about.”  
  
“Oh, and she didn’t want to know what about, no?” Ben questions.  
  
“She was worried. I told her it didn’t matter right there and then and that we’d talk when she got back.”  
  
Ben huffs, feeling his defences rising even more and looking away. “Doesn’t matter…..Right.”  
  
“I told her it was too serious for over the phone. I told her it was a conversation we needed to have in person. She knows something’s not right. She hasn’t asked but she knows.” He pauses before saying, “Look at me.”  
  
Ben keeps his eyes trained on a corner of the room, avoiding Callum’s gaze. He swallows thickly, trying to keep his emotions in check. When he doesn’t comply with the request, Callum continues.  
  
“I know I’ve messed you around a lot over the last few weeks and I’m sorry for that. I never meant for you to get hurt Ben. Or her. But she knows something isn’t right. She knows we need to talk. Do you really have so little faith in me that you think I’d go back on all of this?”  
  
Blinking back tears, Ben looks at him then. Callum is looking at him earnestly and it makes Ben feel small and vulnerable, like he could bare his whole soul to this man, like those defences that have been thrown up since last night don’t need to be there, like Callum will keep him safe.  
  
“Things like this don’t happen to me in real life Callum,” he whispers, glances down at the sheets to avoid Callum’s stare again.  
  
“Is that because they don’t come along or is it because you sabotage them without giving them a chance?”  
  
Ben feels something strum at his heart with those words and god, why does Callum have to know him like this? Why does he have to point out the things that even Ben tries to deny to himself? He knows Ben better than anyone else does. He know the Ben that has been hidden for so long, lost even to Ben himself.  
  
Callum puts a hand on his chin and tilts his head so Ben is forced to look at him again.  
  
“I want this with you,” he says with conviction. “That’s not going to change when I leave here.”  
  
Ben feels hot tears burn at his eyes and he closes them, trying to fight them back, but it doesn’t help that Callum’s hand is still pressed against his face, a reminder that Ben isn’t alone and Callum is here, tearing the walls down brick by brick.  
  
But it’s his next words that leave Ben feeling so open.  
  
“I’m falling for you Ben,” Callum says softly, causing Ben to look at him again. “I’m scared of this, so scared, and I know you are too and I get it, but we’ve got to be worth a chance haven’t we?”  
  
Ben feels like the breath has been knocked out of him. He’s surrounded now by pieces of broken brick and mortar, no longer able to put the pieces back together to keep Callum out. Callum has bulldozed in and he’s not going away and it’s suddenly just the two of them staring at each other amongst the ruins of years of self-preservation.  
  
Callum does look scared, but he looks determined too, and his words play over and over in Ben’s mind.  
  
“Please Ben. Please. You and me. Please can we just try?”  
  
He’s desperate, Ben can see that. He’s yearning for Ben just to say yes but Ben is still stunned by his first words.  
  
“Say it again,” Ben says, finding his voice and ignoring the tears in his eyes.  
  
“What?” Callum asks, confused expression on his face.  
  
“What you just said. Say it again.”  
  
“About us being worth a chance? Because I really think we are Ben and I know – "  
  
“No,” Ben says, cutting him off. “The bit before.”  
  
Callum pauses and then he seems to realise what Ben is referring to because he smiles a little, shifting his weight further onto his elbow to keep himself propped up, and reaching out to take Ben’s hand.  
  
“I’m completely besotted with you,” he nods. “And I’m falling in love with you Ben.”  
  
Ben feels his heart soar and he propels himself towards Callum, crashing into him from where they’re laid. Callum tumbles back with the force of it as Ben wraps his arms around him, but he pulls Ben into him just as tightly, keeping him firmly on top.  
  
They cling onto each other and Ben has never been this needy in his entire life but he’s waited years for this. He presses his nose into Callum’s neck, breathing him in, relishing in the feel of his skin against Callum’s.  
  
“You mean it?” he asks because he can’t help himself.  
  
Callum’s fingers dig into his sides, reassuring and certain. “Yeah, of course I mean it,” he chuckles and Ben smiles at the sound of it.  
  
“I love you,” he breathes into Callum’s neck. “I love you so much.” And he does. Feels like crying from the wonder of it. Kissing at Callum’s skin, he says it over and over like a prayer. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”  
  
And maybe things like this can happen for him in real life after all.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They spend most of their morning curled up together in bed, quiet whispers shared back and forth. Ben shares years of memories he has of loving Callum and Callum tells him about how he got to the point of falling for Ben. Ben feels like a teenager, a new, shiny, brilliant love within his reach. He has butterflies in his stomach and everything has a glow that wasn’t there before.  
  
Their afternoon is spent finishing boxsets, curled up on the sofa instead, attached to one another at all times. They laugh. A lot. Things are good.  
  
Come evening they make dinner. They cook together and it feels so nice as they move around the kitchen, singing to songs from an old ‘ _Now That’s What I Call Music_ ’ album. They dance stupidly, holding on to one another’s hands and twirling each other around until they're dizzy, forgetting entirely about the pasta on the hob until the water starts boiling over and they have to rush to take the pan off the heat. And then they laugh some more.  
  
After dinner, they sit on the doorstep together, looking out at the garden as the warm sun hangs low in the sky. They talk about tomorrow then because they can’t keep putting it off and because the less Ben knows, the more anxious he feels. So Callum tells him what he wants to tell Whitney, how he’s going to do it, and what he plans to do afterwards.  
  
They work it out together, Callum making sure Ben feels comfortable and Ben reminding him that this is Callum’s coming out, not his own, and that Callum needs to do what is best for himself.  
  
“We’re a team,” Callum says. “I want your input on this.”  
  
And Ben smiles and makes suggestions until they’re both sure and feeling as secure as possible. And afterwards, Ben leans his head on Callum’s shoulder, Callum’s arm coming to wrap around him, and they sit in silence as the sun goes down behind the houses in the distance.  
  
That night when they go to bed, there’s apprehension in the pit of Ben’s stomach and he thinks maybe Callum feels the same way. This is the last night Callum will be here until who knows when. It’s the last night he will have Callum at his side as he falls asleep. Ben wants him to stay but Callum is going. And even though they may have a future together, even though Callum will break up with Whitney tomorrow, he has made the decision to go back to his flat because as he had said that morning, it had always been the plan.  
  
So that night, Ben grips on to him just that little bit tighter than usual and tries to stay awake for as long as he can, hoping that if he does then today won’t turn into tomorrow.  
  
He falls asleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Okay, remind me again what’s going to happen,” Ben says as they stand in the hallway the next morning.  
  
They are stood facing each other, Ben in the t-shirt and shorts he had slept in, Callum in his jacket and jeans, trainers on and rucksack waiting by the front door.  
  
“Okay, so I’m going to go home, drop my stuff off and wait until it’s time to go and meet Whit. And then I’ll tell her everything. No dilly-dallying, no delaying it any more, I’ll just tell her as best I can. I just need to get it out there.”  
  
“And then?” Ben asks even though they’ve been over this plan so many times now that he knows it inside out.  
  
“And then I’ll call you. But remember what I said?”  
  
Ben nods. “Don’t wrongly assume anything if I don’t hear from you.”  
  
“Exactly,” Callum confirms. “I care about Whit and this is going to hurt her and it’s going to be a lot for her. She might want to leave straight away but she might have questions and she deserves the truth. And if I don’t call you then I’ll message. Either way, I’ll be in touch by the end of the night, okay?”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Ben feels guilty that they’ve had to plan this so meticulously. It’s mostly in place to prevent Ben’s barriers from going back up, Callum having a good read on him and expecting that they might. He feels bad that Callum is about to break up with his girlfriend, that he’s going to come out to someone for the first time, and yet all of his focus is on making sure Ben is comfortable.  
  
“I’m proud of you, you know,” Ben tells him in an effort to show he cares just as much.  
  
Callum huffs out a laugh. “I don’t know why. I still can’t even say the word yet.”  
  
“That doesn’t matter. You’ve already come so far and even if you can never say the word, that’s okay too. You’re not on a timer. Little steps, alright? Just look how far you’ve come already.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you,” Callum says, reaching for Ben’s hand and pressing their fingers together lightly.  
  
“Yeah you would. And you know why? Because you’re strong and brave and this is who you are and you should be proud of yourself too.”  
  
Ben doesn’t know if Callum remembers telling him not so long ago about how strong and brave he thought Ben was, but he hopes the words resonate with him anyway.  
  
Callum smiles and leans forward, kissing Ben gently. It’s the first time they’ve kissed in days and it surprises Ben but he wraps his arms around Callum’s shoulders, pulling him in closer and holding him there, lips moving slowly against lips. He makes the moment drag out for as long as he can, not wanting to let go.  
  
When they draw apart, Callum rests his forehead against Ben’s and then kisses him once more before moving away towards the door. He picks up his rucksack, a reminder to Ben that this is it, not that he needed one.  
  
“You sure you’ve got enough there?” Ben asks, following Callum.  
  
“Yeah, I’ve got everything I need and I’ll pick up the rest of my stuff at the weekend if that’s any good?”  
  
“Yeah, that’s fine. The weekend is fine.”  
  
The weekend is not fine. The weekend is days away. Days of not seeing Callum.  
  
“Okay,” Callum says, nodding to himself.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They stand looking at each other knowing this is it, nothing more to say. Callum kisses him again and Ben tries to ignore the voice in his head that fears this will be the last time but he can’t help but notice that all of this feels like it’s a goodbye.  
  
Callum breaks away quickly and opens the door. Ben watches on as he steps out and thinks:  
  
_Don’t go._  
  
_Come back._  
  
_Please stay._  
  
He forces his mouth shut and watches as the door closes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben tries to get on with the rest of the day as best as he can but he feels so completely lost without Callum. The house is quiet, eerily so, in a way that is different to all the times Callum has just popped out to the shops or for a run. It’s even different to that day Callum had gone back to the flat and Ben had thought he had gone for good. There’s a strange atmosphere now though. Something flat. Something hollow.  
  
He makes himself an early lunch for want of something to do but as he bites into his sandwich he realises he doesn’t have much of an appetite and pushes it to the side.  
  
The clock on the wall tells him it’s just gone noon. Callum hasn’t even been gone an hour yet and Whitney isn’t due back in London for another couple of hours. He pulls his phone from his pocket and looks at his home screen. The picture Callum had taken of them on the night they had first kissed stares back at him. In it, Ben is pulling a funny face, cross-eyed with his tongue poking out at the corner of his mouth. Next to him is Callum, bright grin on his face, eyes crinkled, cheeks flushed from dancing.  
  
After that night, Ben hadn’t been able to look at the photo without feeling sad. There had been so much confusion between he and Callum, so many times Callum had tried to deny what was happening between them, so many times Ben had worried that they may never get their friendship back to the way it was. But after the night Callum had told him he liked him and they spent the following day in their own little happy bubble, Ben had set the photo on his home screen, a reminder of the night that had been the start of them.  
  
Now, looking at it, he thinks about Callum and wonders what he’s doing right now. Is he busy unpacking the contents of his rucksack? Is he sat nervously going over what he wants to tell Whitney? Or is he feeling just as lost as Ben is?  
  
Ben craves calling him, missing Callum’s voice already. He refrains though. If he caves during the first hour then how is he ever going to manage the next few days? He longs for the weekend and for Callum’s return. But then he’ll go again and Ben doesn’t know how he’s going to cope with normal life again.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s not long before Ben finds himself aimlessly wondering around the rooms of the house. There’s reminders of Callum everywhere he looks. His book of Sudoku puzzles is sitting on the side of the arm chair in the living room and Ben remembers laughing when Callum had produced it during the second week he had been there. It’s not something he’d ever done prior to being in lockdown but he always said that it passed the time and kept his brain active. Ben had always preferred his magazines and they would sit in comfortable silence, each of them passing the time with their own interests.  
  
In the kitchen he finds the baking bowl Callum had brought over from his flat and remembers the day they had made cupcakes that had almost resulted in a flour fight between them. Callum had been the responsible one though and had put a stop to it but only hours later they had been fighting over a bag of marshmallows anyway and that had ended in messy hand jobs and breathless kisses.  
  
He looks out into the garden and sees the patch of grass painted in navy blue. The stains still haven’t come out and just looking at it sends Ben back to the day Callum had painted the door, the way they had flirted and laughed together, the way they had ended up sprawled out on the ground covered in paint. Ben had been so happy. _They_ had been happy.  
  
Even in the bathroom upstairs there are traces of Callum still there. His bottle of shampoo stands on the shelf and Ben knows the way it smells just by looking at the bottle. There’s a pot of hair gel next to it and Ben smiles when he thinks about the way Callum looks without it, hair falling in strands over his forehead, untamed, beautiful and soft.  
  
Stepping out of the bathroom he looks along the hallway to Callum’s room, the door closed. He knows even without going in there that half of Callum’s clothes are still folded in the drawers beside the unmade bed that they had woken up in and left this morning. He purposely doesn’t go in there.  
  
Instead, he makes his way back downstairs and finds himself once again in the living room. They played Twister here, Callum growing red cheeked at one of Ben’s silly innuendos. They had their first kiss here, so soft and gentle and he remembers the way Callum’s eyes had widened before kissing him again. _God_ , he remembers so much.  
  
“Fuck,” he breathes out as tears well in his eyes.  
  
He presses his palms to his eyelids to try and stop himself but it’s no good because even with closed eyes he can still see Callum everywhere around him. Only Callum isn’t there and no matter how things turn out for them, even if they officially start dating should Ben be so lucky, this house will never be the same without Callum in it. He might never get that back again. There’s a feeling of loss that grips him, and even though he may not have lost Callum or what they have, he knows he’s lost _something_.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ben goes out for a walk after that, partly to stop himself from completely falling apart and partly to pass the vast amount of time he seems to now have on his hands. He knows Callum’s flat is in walking distance and although he feels his heart tugging him in the direction he deliberately turns the opposite way, walking down streets of terraced houses, ignoring the pull in his chest. Callum won’t be at the flat anyway, he’ll be with Whitney, and Ben wants to seek them out, knowing where they’re meeting, but he ignores that too. He needs to be patient. He needs to wait.  
  
He regrets going out the moment he gets back to the house, the silence hitting him straight away and the loneliness feeling greater than before. He feels sick from hunger, having not eaten since breakfast, but the moment he contemplates food he feels even sicker and once again disregards eating in favour of going upstairs to Callum’s room. He takes a deep breath before he goes in, knowing that what lies beyond is just part of what has been lost now.  
  
When he steps inside he pauses, moving his eyes around the room and taking it all in. The bed is exactly how they left it this morning, just as he knew it would be. He can see the curve in Callum’s pillow from where he had been laid, and looks at the way the duvet is crumpled, thrown back as they had got out of bed.  
  
There’s a part of him that wants to leave the room like this, untouched, just in case Callum decides it’s Whitney he wants after all. At least then Ben will always have this – a bedroom frozen in time, proof that these past couple of months haven’t been a figment of his imagination. But he knows he can’t live like that, it wouldn’t be healthy. He remembers Callum’s words from yesterday.  
  
_‘Do you really have so little faith in me that you think I’d go back on all of this?’_  
  
And despite his fears, he chooses to push them aside and put his faith in Callum, trust that he’ll keep his word.  
  
Making a quick decision before he can think better of it, he walks towards the bed and climbs in. He can smell Callum all around him and it’s enough to provide him with some comfort and that’s all he needs for the moment.  
  
His phone pings in his pocket and he reaches for it so quickly it’s almost embarrassing. Seeing Callum’s name on the screen, he feels his heartrate quicken and taps the message to open it.  
  
_‘Talked to Whit. Everything ok but that was a lot. Think I need a minute. Can I call you later?’_  
  
Ben stares at the words and tries to work out what they mean. Is there something hidden? Something Callum isn’t telling him? He feels fear creep in again but tries to stamp it down. Callum has just broken up with someone he cares about greatly and he’s come out to her at the same time. Or, at least, that had been the plan. Plans are always different in practice though. But if Callum needs a while to himself then Ben decides now isn’t the time to be insecure and pushy. He sends a message back to Callum, assuring him he’ll be there whenever he’s ready, and then he presses his face into the pillow, brings his phone close to his chest, and let’s himself fall asleep.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


When he wakes up several hours later it’s to the sound of his ringtone. In his half-sleep state, he feels blindly around the bed in an attempt to find his phone. By the time he spots the glow from the floor it’s too late, the call ringing out and the room plunging back into darkness again.  
  
Ben curses under his breath as he reaches down, picking up the phone and seeing Callum’s missed call on screen. It’s late, 23:36 according to the phone’s clock and he’s just about to call Callum back when a message comes through.  
  
_‘Can I come over?’_  
  
Ben smiles a little as he reads the message. As if he would ever say no to Callum wanting to be here.  
  
_‘Always’_ , he responds, before getting out of the bed and running a hand through his hair to try and make himself a bit more presentable.  
  
When Callum gets there fifteen minutes later he knocks on the door.  
  
“You could’ve used your key, you know,” Ben laughs, feeling something akin to elation as if it hadn’t only been this morning that he’d last seen him.  
  
Callum chuckles, stepping into the hallway. “Yeah that was a bit weird wasn’t it?”  
  
Ben grins at him, glancing down Callum’s body and taking note of the jog pants he’s wearing and the jacket thrown over his bed shirt.  
  
“Uh, yeah, hope you don’t mind,” Callum explains. “I was just ready for bed and didn’t want to get changed again.”  
  
Ben refrains from admitting that the only time he got dressed today was when he went on his walk and as soon as he got back into the house he’d put his sleepwear back on.  
  
“Course not,” he smiles. “Hot chocolate?”  
  
“Yes please.”  
  
Callum follows him into the kitchen. He busies himself with the mugs but can feel Callum’s eyes on him from where he stands in the doorway. There’s a strange kind of quietness between them, a conversation they both know is coming but can’t start until they’re settled, and so it doesn’t come as a surprise when neither of them speak another word until they’re sitting on the sofa, mugs in hand, looking across as one another.  
  
“I’m sorry it’s so late,” Callum starts. “Today’s been full on and I needed to get my head around stuff.”  
  
“That’s okay, I understand.” He pauses, deciding what he should say next. “How did it go?”  
  
“It was horrible. She was heartbroken Ben. I mean, she kind of had the idea that it was a break up even from the start, so I think she’d prepared herself for that but it was still horrible. And you know what the worst thing was? How understanding she was trying to be about it all. Like, when she knew the reason I was breaking up with her, she was trying so hard to be supportive even though I could see it was breaking her heart.”  
  
Callum rubs at his eyes with his free hand, the emotions of the day catching up with him. Ben wants to reach out but stops himself. This is Callum’s story to tell and he needs to let him.  
  
“She said, uh……she said she wants me to be happy. She was so nice about it all Ben. And I don’t know, it just made me feel worse because she was the one being broken up with and I know how hurt she was but she was still trying to be there for me.”  
  
“She cares about you Callum,” Ben says.  
  
Callum sniffs, putting his mug down onto the floor and wiping at his eyes again. “I know. She said she wants us to be friends one day. It’s more than I deserve. I think it’s too soon right now though and I get that.”  
  
“You’re being too hard on yourself. It’s just gonna take some time.” When Callum doesn’t respond Ben asks, “Does she know about……you and me? About what’s happened?”  
  
Callum nods. “A bit. She knows we’ve got closer, she knows about that first night, but she didn’t want details. I think that would’ve been too much, you know? She asked if I’d got feelings for you though.”  
  
“What did you tell her?”  
  
“I said that I did.”  
  
It’s Ben’s turn to nod now. At any other time he would have broken out into a wide smile at Callum’s confirmation of feelings, but the mood is sombre and he doesn’t think now would be the right time for expressing his own glee.  
  
“I’m proud of you,” he says, because Callum needs to hear it. “I know how hard it must have been.”  
  
“It was.” After a moment he adds, “I told her.” Ben nods again, feeling so much pride for the man next to him. Callum is shaking his head though. “No, I _told_ her. She asked if……if I was gay.”  
  
Ben stills, stares at Callum and then puts his own mug down.  
  
“And what did you say?”  
  
“I, well,” Callum stutters. “I didn’t _tell_ her exactly, I just sort of nodded but – "  
  
“That’s amazing though Callum! So amazing!”  
  
Ben is fighting back a grin but he’s so fucking proud of how far Callum has come and knows how big today must have been for him. He’s taken such a big step forward. But there’s something in the way Callum is looking at him that makes Ben pause in his amazement.  
  
“Ben,” Callum says, tone more serious than Ben has ever heard from him before.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Can I tell you something?”  
  
_Oh_. Ben understands now.  
  
“Yeah,” he breathes, letting Callum have his moment.  
  
Callum’s chest is rising rapidly but he continues fixing Ben with a stare, tears filling his eyes. “I’m gay,” he says, nervous but sure of himself.  
  
Ben feels tears in his own eyes and he smiles, reaching out and placing a hand on Callum’s knee as he tells him, “I know. And I am so proud of you and I love you so much.”  
  
Callum covers Ben’s hand with his own, looking down at it for a moment before meeting Ben’s eyes again. “I love you too.”  
  
A small hiccup escapes Ben as a tear travels down his cheek but he can’t find it within himself to feel embarrassed by the sound. He smiles at Callum, Callum smiling back down with his own tears in his eyes, and this right here, this is everything.  
  
“So, I’ve been thinking,” Callum says after a moment. “I was getting ready for bed tonight and I was about to call you and I just got to thinking how strange it felt being in the flat, you know? I was home but it just didn’t feel like home. And I kept trying to ignore it but then I realised why I felt so strange. And this is going to sound so cheesy but, well, _you’re_ my home, and I’m not trying to invite myself back or anything but technically we’re still in lockdown so – "  
  
“Yes,” Ben cuts him off, nodding profusely.  
  
“You don’t even know what I’m going to ask yet.”  
  
“I don’t care. The answer is always yes. Yes you can stay, yes you can come back, yes you can move in, yes to anything and all of it!”  
  
He’s grinning like an idiot and he knows it but having Callum here, having Callum love him, it’s all he’s ever wanted. Every muscle in his body feels like it’s buzzing and he’s struggling to sit still, desperate to throw his arms around Callum and hold him tightly for the rest of his life.  
  
“Are you sure?” Callum is asking him, apparently not yet on the same page as Ben is. “Because I know yesterday morning we said about that not being the plan.”  
  
Ben rolls his eyes. “I know but I only agreed with that because you said you were going back to your flat as if that was it, the end. I thought that’s what you wanted but of course I wanted you to stay!”  
  
“Well I only said _that_ because you said it was our last day so I assumed you wanted me to go.”  
  
Ben laughs, wiping at his eyes. “We’re so stupid, you know that? I said that about it being our last day in case you wanted an out.”  
  
“Well I didn’t. And I don’t,” Callum smiles, eyes shining now with tears and happiness. “I told you, I’m all in. I want this and I want you and I want us.”  
  
“Me too. That’s all I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. You and me, here, forever.”  
  
He feels like his heart could burst, can’t believe that this is happening, that after three years he finally has the one thing he thought he never would. He should pinch himself really, make sure it’s not a dream, but the feel of Callum’s warm hand on his is all the proof he needs.  
  
“Forever eh?” Callum starts teasing. “We can properly sort that garden out then can’t we? And you need some proper equipment in that kitchen, and I haven’t even made a start on this room yet.”  
  
“On second thoughts – " Ben jokes.  
  
“Nope, not going back now. You’re stuck with me.”  
  
Callum leans closer and Ben meets him halfway, letting his eyes flutter closed as their lips meet. He raises his free hand to Callum’s cheek, thumb gently swiping across it as they kiss lazily. There’s no rush now, not when they have a lifetime.  
  
“Well I suppose,” Ben whispers, breaking away a little, “when you put it like that, forever doesn’t sound too bad.”  
  
Callum smiles, kissing him again because they can do that now. Always.  
  
If Ben were being honest with himself, he had believed it had been a bad idea from the start having Callum stay with him over the lockdown period. He had been wrong. It has turned out to be the best decision he has ever made. And who would have thought he would ever find love, here in isolation? Despite it all, all of the struggles, all of the pain, all of the losses, some good has come this too – communities coming together to support one another, families growing closer, friendships being formed, two boys falling hopelessly and unequivocally in love with each other.  
  
And Ben will hold this, he’ll keep it, he’ll treasure it for as long as Callum will let him and for longer after that.  
  
Drawing back from Callum, he looks at him and thinks, _this is it; this is us_. And he can’t wait for the rest of his life to start. But first, it’s late, and Callum has had a big day and Ben is exhausted from the emotion he too has felt over the last couple of months.  
  
“Come on,” he says, moving from the sofa and pulling Callum up with him. “Let’s go to bed. It’s been a really long day and I’ve got to meet Jay first thing tomorrow to figure out reopening the Car Lot.”  
  
“Life getting back to normal eh?” Callum replies, holding firmly on his hand as they leave the room.  
  
“Nah, who wants that? Normal’s boring. And life with you could never be boring.”  
  
Callum lets out a chuckle and Ben leads the way upstairs to Callum’s room, smile on his face with his best friend by his side. Though he supposes it’s their room now. They’ll figure it out. They have forever after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note about what’s to come after this. I’ve got four one shots planned which are from Callum's perspective. As we’re at the end of this story as a stand alone, I want to give it some sense finality. Because of that, I’ll be posting the first oneshot a week from now (next Sunday), and after that normal Wednesday/Sunday updates will resume.
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with this fic. I really hope you have enjoyed it!


End file.
